Life is like a TV show

Monday, September 29

Some juicy news! @ 00:45

wooo!!! it all started yesterday.

i was talking to QX at the Expo control station and i missed lots of trains! but i just felt a need to catch up with her. then he walked past. he asked me whether i'm still at the train station but by that time i called ZW to pick me up coz we are totally CRAPPILY LATE!!!! poor DY!!!! so sorry la..

but i skipped his question and asked him if he is still at Expo MRT and whether i can borrow his Safra card. then he said he was at Tanah Merah so i said its ok. i'll find a way. knowing that i was watching a movie "Painted Skin", he assume that i was going on a date and he said the guy that is meeting you dun have Safra card meh? i pretend not to know that he is jealous and that he is assuming that i was on a date coz i no need to explain things. i never replied him for that sms.

so i called YW to ask where was he and THANK GOD he was still at the bus stop so i borrowed from him. along the way to meet him, i was still talking to QX since her JIE MEIs is not ready to go cheong! and he sent another sms to ask if i want to drop by his house coz he is going home to get the car and he can drop me at the meeting place and pass me his Safra card.

BUT YW is lending me his Safra card, ZW is coming to give me a ride and his house is so OUT OF THE WAY. so i told him "its ok. nvm. my friend will be giving me a ride" *obviously my friend is a guy*

then at 1.25am, he sent me an SMS:

"Hey Joanne, I'd want to tell over the phone. But i guess you're still in the movies. Well i've been thinking about it. So wat i want to say is about the 3months thing, lets just forget about it. I thnk its better for us both. I feel so terrible trying to act normal, having to think whether i will be crossing the line. I prefer how we were before, as one of my inner circle of friends whom i can relate to, you're the 3rd person i feel that i can just be open about what i say. And this way we can enjoy our friendship more. Best friends? :)"

i deciphered everything as "lets just forget about trying to be more than friends."

today i met up with PY and LW at 10pm and we went to Starbucks to drink Java Chip Frup, LW's mocha latte, a low fat mango cake and a choc muffin. we talked about him and i realise that i have been mis-interpretating what he was telling me all this while.

the 3 months thing is for him to chase me and to get to know me more vice versa so that at the end of 3 months i can give him an answer whether i can accept him (the height difference). then PY scolded him because he gave me a time frame to make a decision and couldn't wait for the answer coz he kept pushing. so PY asked him to take his time and let nature take its course.

BUT what i understood about the 3 months thing is simple: he needs time to recover from all the things that has happened as suggested by JO and after 3 months we'll see how. meanwhile within this 3 months, its for me to know whether is it a crush or love.

MAN.. so all this while i have been taking things in a different way from him.

then for last night's SMS, it was for him to say that after the 3 months thing, the supposed answer that i must give him is called off. and everything is back to when he wanted to know me gradually.

then LW mentioned that people figured out that it was me even though he didnt tell them who but just mentioned that he has someone in mind. and he is not admitting that he told a lot of people when its so obvious that people are not stupid and can figure things out.

after this whole thing, like what he has admitted, PY said that he is too emotional that it affected him. to me, he just dunno what he wants. say 3months is him. say dun wan 3 months is him. he say it and thats it. he also assume things that i agree with his arrangement since he has told me but yet to take the initiative to ask how i feel about it. indecisiveness really cause me to leak trust towards him that he can be my pillar of support.

things are simple, why make it so complicated eh? also, like what i have mentioned i'm a person who will not step into a relationship until i'm sure about it myself. so if he is going to take things so fast, i will never step into it because i'm not sure myself. i'm not sure whether is it a crush or love?? after so long, feelings died down and i know that i cant accept the height issue so i'm really certain that its not love.

PY asked him, do you know wad is like and wad is love? whats the difference? what made Joanne so different from other gals?

and he said "feelings lor"

my goodnesss!!! feelings can die down and if rush things so fast, how do you know that the feelings will not die down after 1 year 2 years 3 years??? besides, he can also say this for Jocelyn. and not even 3 months, he changed target.

right now, i'm very certain. its crush and not love. and its over. i'm just going to treat him as friends and not more.

actually i'm not really upset or angry about it because somehow i have sort things out and i have made a decision that to me, its clear that its only a crush and i wont take things further. i'm just rather frustrated that he dunno what he wants and kept giving me intentions that i interpreted wrongly coz of the way he phrased things. i rather he be more direct.

then PY also said that he harboured hopes for me to accept the height issue, thats why kept wanting to push for an answer. HAHA. MAN.. i didnt even felt he was pushing for an answer. seriously, if he will to ask me anytime i can give him an answer.

the most funny thing is that PY and LW at different time through different medium said the same thing!! that any guy that qualifies better - handsome TALL has a career, can easily get a standing above and higher than him. HAHA. *he stunned* HAHA.. thats very true actually.

i'm just going to clear things up with him as soon as possible. dun like the wrong intention and view kind of thing. AIYO.

before i alighted the bus, i told PY saying "since he can be so much more emotional than me because i'm more rational. i gotta clear the mess because when he screwed things up, he can become emotional. i hate doing it because guys are suppose to be the pillar. and the fact that so many people know because it leaked out, he didnt even bother to face it and clear it and i had to clear it myself."

thanks to him and his insecurity because that day i told him that i cannot accept the height issue, he tried to win me over immediately by finding me in school all the time for 2 days. even my uni friends knew or guessed his intention. and stupid ger, a very cannot understand, irritating person have to kay po and ask "eh! that guy that always find you is chasing you ah".. HAI.. thats why i say, you dunno wad you want!! you cant stick to the things that you say you will do because of your impatience.. IRRITATING..

BUT AGAIN. i'm ok! HAHA..

Friday, September 26

Proud to be. @ 17:45

20.09.08 (Saturday)

HAHA. really really proud of my CG. when i said something, they will go and make it happen. hopefully its an attitude that they create in them. HAHA. we had a phototaking before Yaowena and Lionel went for their posting.

we prayed for Yaowen and Lionel and celebrated Bra's birthday. then we took lots of photo. HAHA. CG photo!

wow! its really a great CGM, something really different. HAHA.

who was around? Me, Yaowen, Liying, Ivan, Edmund, Brandan, Kitty, Henry, Lionel

we had a prayer meeting at 7.35pm while waiting for Kitty, Henry and Brandan to come. but instead it turned out to be a ministry that encouraged the rest. i spoke during the ministry saying that "the Devil put lies and manipulate our mindset by saying that even if we spend time praying to God, God may not necessary show up, or even when we spend time to pray to Him, He may not necessary bring you to where you used to go. so what is the point of praying?" but whats the promises of God that is given to us?

1. when 2 or 3 are gathered, He will be in our midst.

2. He'll never leave us nor forsake us.

3. Ask and it shall be given, seek and you will find, knock and it shall be open unto us.

4. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to us.

5. Seek first the kingdom of God and ALL shall be added to you that your joy may be complete.

i sang a song and could really feel the peace and joy of God.

then we stopped and had a sharing session. brandan, edmund, ivan, liying all said they were not really doing very well but is slowly picking up. kitty shared about her feelings about her parents comparing her to her younger sister thinking that it is due to the religion difference.

we had 10mins of personal prayer where we splitted to our own personal place and prayed.

then we had a time of prayer and worship again where i asked them to get a word from God.

we ended and i shared about building a House of God. we dun wan to build on the charity of others BUT really on members and disciples of God. the vision of God must be carried on the shoulders of His children! and i told them that along the way, we will feel like giving up. but lets not think of the things for now, but think about the things that we will experience when we finish the race and kept the faith!

when pastor Kong, declare the building open and dedicate the whole building into God's hands, when everyone clapped! we know that we are proud of it because we are part of it and we do have a share in this building and have sacrificed together with the others for this building to be built to support the mandate given by God.

then i had a vision sharing with them about helping out and supporting the vision of the church. if no one care, who will care? if no one help, who will help? if no one support, who will support? and i told them that we need to rise up to fill in the gap in our church, in our spiritual family.

Monday, September 15

Guys. @ 02:34

today i took 151 to go to school. as usual this bus will pick up all the secondary, JC, NP, SIM, NUS students. but as you can expect, there are only SIM and NUS students as its was 11.15am and NP is having their holidays. saw some nice looking guys. then was walking to school from the bus-stop when Yvonne and i realised that today is SIM OPEN HOUSE. saw MANY good looking guys who can dress, has the build and the physique. MAN!! immediately, i thought what on Earth are the guys in the church doing ah?

firstly, NO BUILD.

secondly, NO STLYE. they dun dress up as compared to the people outside. simply wear t-shirt and jeans.

thirdly, NO DRESS SENSE. they dun have a fashion sense. look at the shoe, bag and accessories they carry. no wonder, Gideon and Wayne can be so commercial. i really believe that there are many others guys who are also as good looking BUT THEY DUN DRESS UP!

fourthly, NO MANHOODNESS. they seriously fail being a man. mind you. they are church, obviously more will be expected right?

lastly, NO HEIGHT. i know that i cannot blame this on them.

BUT seriously, church guys are really taking it for granted that we have to choose them no matter what because there are no other options kind of thing??? i believe in having God's best for us. another thing, they should know that outward to me is also important. then please, if they dun even care about their outward, they can simply just forget about coming for me. what kind of an attitude?? then whats the point of we gals having to make up and dress up when the guys are not even doing so?? what logic??

seriously, i think even pastor also know that this is the issue and hence trying to match make. but i hate this kind of things and really wonder whats the point?? i'll be utterly irritated and disgusted if people dun have dress sense and no EQ. man.. at least these things that i have mentioned are to me la. others might think otherwise. this is my point, my stand.

How true are all these quiz? HAHA. anyway, i took them for fun. these quiz are all from Facebook FYI. btw, mark me, these are just quiz, may not be 100% accurate la.

MORE ACCURATE QUIZ:

What Bible character am i?

Moses

You tend to be shy, but you’ll lead if you have to. You’re extremely loyal. You know how to pick your battles wisely and often let others fight on your behalf.

The one word that best describes my personality:

Cheereful!

your light and easy nature and the smile that's always there on your face makes your company delightful and fun!

What chocolate am i?

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds. You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life. Also nostalgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment. even those from long ago.

What is my colour?

Yellow

You match well with friendship. You have many friends and you will have them forever. You are very friendly and is always there to cheer your friends up.

What is the career you will suit most in?

The bustling bee!

You are fit and full of energy. Do something which involves a lot of social work and running up and down. You have what is called commitment to your job, and with that you can be the the best person to call up to. Your active career might be a wish for a lot of people around you!

What Disney character are you?

Mickey Mouse

Your a fun-loving person with a great amount of care for friends and family. everyone likes you and you easily make friends and cheer people up quickly.

Which F.R.I.E.N.D.S. character are you?

Ross

you are always there for your friends, you are the most intelligent amongst them and you are proud to know it. you are a true lover and will always love the person no matter whatever views he/she will have for you.

Which car suits you?

Lamborghini

You are really smart. you will attract the people easier & you look sexy/smart too.

What fashion style am i?

Trendy

You are always uptodate on all the latest trends, never out of the fashion loop.

The best romantic place for me:

Sea Beach

Sea Beach, the most romantic place in the world for you.

NOT SO / NOT ACCURATE QUIZ:

What kind of person should be with?

Loving
Your dream partner has to be a loving one. He or she will bring you gifts all the time, for no reason at all. You are their main priority! They are definately a keeper!

What makes me different from others?

Your personality
you are really unique. very few people are like you in this world. you are really special and you value everyone & everything. thats what makes you special & unique. you are a very good person & stands out for yourself. you are always right & really unique. your friends love you. stay same. you rockzzz.

What is the darker side of you?

Rage
You get sudden outbursts of anger and get out of control, you become another person and nothing can stand in your way.

Which Fairytale are you?

Snow White
You are snow white! You began your fairy tale as the stepdaughter of an evil queen, she wanted to get rid of you so she could be the fairest of them all, she tried to get your heart but the woodsman set you free. You seeked help with the seven dwarves you helped you awake after eating a poisoned apple from the queen in disguise, you ran off with a handsome prince. You are sociable and very loud, you energy is right up into the roof but you can be a softie. Your kind,caring and a good friend as well as a good cook! Mmm food is your thought all the time.

Which Simsons character are you?

Bart
You are just like Bart! You are mischievous and love a good prank and a good laugh! You couldn't care less about school and love cartoons! You have a loyal best friend just like Bart has Milhouse. Aye Carumba!

Sunday, September 14

Life revelation. @ 18:42

Liwei prayed "no eye has seen, no ear has heard" on tuesday then we sang this song:

"No eye has seen,

No ear has heard,

No mind can know,

What God has in store.

So open up Heaven,

Open it wide,

Over Your church,

And over our lives."

was rather encouraged by this song because it really build faith. like what the bible says "if you believe, let it be so!" and Ian shared something about trusting in the Lord and lean not on my understanding. many times, even for L's case, i will always analyse and really think what does all these things mean and why it happened using a rather narrow-minded view. but i realise that God's ways are higher than my ways, God's thoughts are higher than my thoughts. sometimes i dun understand dosen't mean that there is no reason. sometimes i think its like that, dosen't mean that thats God meant. and all i have to do, like what i told Ivan is to fall into God's hands and let Him lead me, being my Lord.

Then ChengJun shared something about a new wave of the Holy Spirit is coming a

nd we are like the boats that will ride the waves and rise up for the occassion. then the Lord showed me a boat with a tattered and torn sail, after going through time after time of a rough journey, that is riding the wave and travelling to a certain direction. and the Lord said, I will mend your sail so that you can continue riding the waves, travelling and sailing across the ocean.

all these happened during leaders' meeting on tues.

on saturday when pastor kong talked about the number of years that he has been saved (33years) and serving in the ministry (22years) just reminded me that its time to really consecrate my life and stop cruising around and wasting my youth away. because i realise that pastor kong was saved 11years later to start his ministry as a young preacher and missionary. this was exactly the same as me. up to now, i have been saved for 11 years and its really time to take on the vision and calling that God has given. like what the bible said, many are called but truly a few are chosen. many has a vision and calling from God but the actual people who are willing to lay down their lives for the vision are only a few and i want to the few. ITS TIME TO RISE UP.

about having sons that carries the value of the House are supporting him, when he talked about pastor aries telling him that where-ever pastor kong is going to go, the family is going to pack up and follow pastor. because to pastor aries, ministry is not as important as supporting the mentor of his life.and all this just lead me to reflect and know that its really time for me to support my leaders. this can only be done when my members rise up to the occassion to take care of the CG so that i can have more time and availability to help pastor or Ian and build relationship with them. the CGCs gotta take a step to stand in the gap for me and stop being so pampered and small in faith. this goes the same for me at my level.

during service worship, the Lord actually showed me that even without committed to praying and reading the bible consistently i am able to do all these things. imagine when i totally depend on God and depend on His strength, there is even more that i can do and perform and achieve. above and beyond what i can think or even imagine because God is a God of abundance. so i really need to start equipping, stick my stakes deep in and increasing myself to be stronger for the tougher battles ahead.

Phew!!! its been a long week. finally i have the time to blog about thing. let me talk about the bad thing that happened this week before proceeding to the good things because there are so many good things to say.

firstly, i was kinda frustrated when he told me that EY and CS asked him about the update of his love life. i feel like EY and CS wanted to know whats the update about me and him. before i felt how i felt when i realise that JY told him about how i truly felt, i thought everything was OK and the 2 guys just wanted to be nice and be kay poh a bit.

later then i realise that he did tell EY about me.

i feel like whats up with him? how come he didnt have the discernment and the wisdom to know who to tell and who not to tell. FYI, EY is a close friend to my helper. i mean how wise can it be to say such a thing to my helper's good friend who can simply hint his way through to tell him about us?

thinking about it, it really matters to me who knows about it. like what Cind & mom said, this whole thing is between me and him, i don't need to have a third party to help stir things up. besides this is not confirm, why need to go about telling people?

but thinking again, i really have no time and no interest to bother about this anymore. i just felt that i gotta grow now and studies and stuff are all piling up. i don't want to think about this case anymore. besides on tuesday i told him the truth that i still cannot accept the height issue.

this whole week, i have been realising that there are many couples whose BFs are shorter than the GFs. there might be an increasing trend but somehow i knew that i still cant accept it. i knew that i cannot be influenced by the trend and choose to compromise. there are some things that i don't mind doing without but not all.

anyway, coming back. after telling him how i truly felt i thought that he knew where he stand in my heart but i was kinda wrong. he tried even harder and this really led me to push him aside even more. know that he wanna do sweet stuff for me but i already said that i cant accept the height difference, why still want to push your way in and try to make things even more difficult? he came to look for me on thursday and friday. excluded wednesday i think because he didnt have lesson. but when he came to look for me for that 2 days, i felt that he came even closer. even my Uni friends noticed it and guessed that he was after me. but i simply just cant accept it. and its can really make things ugly as i dunno how to reject him though i did hint him. *dilemma*

as for the happy days this week.

on friday, when me walter henry and yvonne was trying to fix meeting time for SM meeting after pia-ing for GM, henry realised that yvonne was packed almost everyday for the tuition. and when he asked when is Elza's (lilian's daughter) exams, yvonne pointed 1 months later. HAHA. henry LL coz one month later still must tuition so much. HAHA.

i went out with Henry ZW DY last night to changi air

port coz henry needed to send his sister off to Europe and DY wanted to eat Popeye. HAHA. *funny* so we met up at changi airport to eat Popeye. everyone stared at our seats coz we took up 2 tables with 6 chairs while ZW and henry wasnt there. talked to DY a lot about relationship and leslie and taking up

responsibilities for the choice she made.

idiotic henry said something and DY ignored him as usual so henry said "DY dun want to 'chai'(care) me liao" HAHA. so i said

"of course she dun wan to 'chai'(step) you la. coz you are so fat and stiff." HAHAHA. i really LOL man. anyway, it was really a great day out and relaxing. didnt really have to worry about anything and just relax, putting everything aside.

then henry also said something like other countries emphasizes a lot on child care services while singapore emphasizes a lot on tuition services. then he said something

like especially now

the tuition teacher are like child care teachers where they take care of their welfare and really tuition them - refering to yvonne. HAHA.

i'm spending lots of time with henry walter ZW yvonne DY coz of all the project meetings ahead. almost

everyd

ay i'm packed with meetings starting from next week onwards. but i feel that its kinda fun though its really tedious. HAHA.

Wednesday, September 10

How i really felt. @ 02:49

on monday, i really told my mom how i really felt about the zone, myself in the zone, about JY M and company. i told her, and only her, the truth that i really felt lonely after the whole thing, knowing that partly is because i didnt dare to go close to them fearing to be hurt even further and feel insecured again. i was really affected by the fact that i couldn't click with them after the tuesday meeting at YMCA. i felt totally out of place. i also told her that i really felt insecured because afterall, they were all from the local universities of Singapore while i'm in a private university?! i couldnt even get into a local university. i felt like i do not have friends. i felt like i was not good enough.

but again, God said "For you did not choose Me but I chose you and called you by your name."

God knew that i am qualified to be His child despite my weakness.

that night, i really really broke down when i told God the truth and wanted to release everything to Him. i released the feelings that i felt that i was a failure and not good enough. i also released the lonely thinking i had about myself that i did not have friends. like wad mom say, its all about how you look at things.

"My chains are gone,
I've been set free,
My God my Saviour,
Has ransomed me,
And like a flood,
His mercy reigns,
Unending love, Amazing grace."

then God gave me another revelation. if i've given all to Him and put it unto the altar of sacrifice, why do i still have my own personal agendas? this life belongs to Him and it should be used to fulfil wad He want me to do.

"For there i find you waiting,
And there i find release,
So with all my heart i worship,
And unto You i sing.

For You alone deserve all glory,
For You alone deserve all grace,
Father we worship and adore You,
Father we long to see Your face."

i went out with mom on mon this week before going to school to

attend Strategic Marketing afternoon lesson. she was so sweeeet. was shopping in Esprit and she bought this green top that cost $49.90 with the second reason that is to buy the red dino for me. everytime i go out with her, it always brightens my day because she will do little things that really comforts and show that i am important to her and she didnt mind sacrificing. things like buying 500g of Famous Amos Cookie, stuff toys that she knew will brighten my day, cooking lunch and dinner and eating with me knowing that i dont like to eat alone.

no one can be compared to her here on Earth. really no one. my mom is my best friend too.

Monday, September 8

Personality test. @ 01:22

i wanted to do the DISC test but i think there is nothing free on earth for those things that are valuable so i ended up doing a personality test. this is the results:

A team player, Tan readily relinquishes personal interests and goals to accommodate those close to her. She is loyal to a fault; but others may sometimes question her unwavering dedication to current relationships and methods. Tan values security, and usually does her best to avoid sudden changes in her environment or situation.
Tan is an optimistic individual. She is the type of person who loves exploring new places or things and a wide variety of experiences. She tends to display a natural charisma that draws others to her charm. Tan is a very encouraging person; others are drawn to her because they find her inspirational.
Tan will usually test ideas against proven standards in an effort to be inventive; and can be very creative as she identifies new solutions to problems. She is an original and creative thinker, but acts in a rational way to make sure desired results are achieved in an orderly manner; although she is not afraid to "break the mold" if that appears to be the key to a solution.
Tan would prefer things stay the same, rather than to risk a new venture (unless it is proven and true). She is typically peaceful and low key, and is usually seen by those around her as a good friend and listener. She tends to adopt a "wait and see" attitude about things, rather than taking charge of a situation, usually preferring to let others take the lead.

Sunday, September 7

My love language. @ 22:52

HAHA.. did a love language quiz that Lester sent me today. a bit crappy but i was kinda bored so i still did it. it wasn't a good quiz because there are some questions where none of the options is what i will pick and i'm not in love now. writing in response to? HAI.. so how accurate it is, i dunno but definitely is not 100% true. anyway, these are the results:

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		10
Physical Touch:		7
Words of Affirmation:		5
Acts of Service:		4
Receiving Gifts:		4

Friday, September 5

FUNNY dog. @ 20:28

WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. interesting thing that happened today.
stupid skye has been stealing my

stationaries the whole time. he never seem to get out of the age of teething but wanted to remain young and ACT CUTE forever. HAHAHA. when i came out of the kitchen after putting my utensils into the basin, i saw cute skye bitting something which seems like my pencil lead. "HELLO HELLO" i chased him and tried to catch him from the back of the sofas but the cunning him squeezed thr

ough my hand to hide under the table. *both stupid dogs are barking* not out of defense but out of anxiety and excitment thinking that i was playing with him. obviously, petty patsie was JEALOUS. i sat down at the opening of the table to catch him and he ran out excitedly towards me, wanting to rub himself on me. *still barking* this whole incident was HILARIOUS. HAHAHAHAHAHA. excited but "gan jiong" skye was wagging his tiny winny tail continuosly. stupid as always, he wanted to play. HAHAHAHAHA. everything happened just for me to realise that he didnt steal anything but was only panting and the sly look that he always have has gave him away to give me the wrong impression. WHAT a funny thing for the day!! HAHAHAHAHA.

wrote this on the Friendster Comment on 27 Aug '08:

feeling sick & tired at where i am coz i felt like i'm stucked in this present situation and finds it difficult to get out of it. frustrated though but somehow i dun really feel like doing anything. i feel like i have lost the energy to fight and get myself out of this. being discouraged is something that i cant avoid. but i cant afford to lose my vision, strength and purpose just because of those people. back to square one in stage 1 level 10. this time. i felt like closing up and walk with God as He becomes my companion. i can be alone but never lonely. thats the revelation given to me when i was 11. i need time, answers, direction, grace, favor, strength, encouragement. ."wad is my stand". ."wad do i say?".
i'm still confused. not knowing wad to take. procrastinating on every move that i'm taking or that i need to take. just wondering and taking some time to think, why do i feel so defeated this time? they are just small matters, things are distracting and profits nothing. yet it beat me so hard. i remember saying to my members, God will never give me something that i cannot bear & narrow is the way that leads to life and peace. i have made this decision long time ago and i'm still standing. but somehow, i dun feel like picking myself up now. on the other hand, my people are waiting for me. studies and projects are piling. "tired" all these are draining me. breaking down is always the last thing i want to do because i'm a leader yet a human and it does nothing except to release.

Thursday, September 4

The past. @ 22:05

i wrote this on the Facebook Wall on Aug 25 '08:

back to the reality of this world. i must be very honest that for the past few days, i was disappointed with a couple of people whom i thought to be close to me and should know wad i was looking for. but i was wrong. i learnt my lesson. i admit that i was affected by them. but not anymore. i'm finding my first love back again.

somehow when these things happen, i knew that my members were still behind me. putting up victory banners and cheers to cheer me on. some is enough to give me the strength and the motivation to go on in this fight.

dear fellow E399ians, lets go and make an impact in the place of your influence!! await for the adventurous and great fight that we will be in together. love you guys.

at the end of the day, after everything has happened, i still know where and who to seek refuge. there are still people who love me and undertsand and are still willing to be listening ear. HEHEHE. so now, i'm gonna confidently and by faith say "I AM HAPPY!!!" HEHEHEHEHEHE..

i wrote this on the Facebook Wall on Aug 25 '08:

Commander Tan reporting!

I got to stop talking and start taking action. Battle Strategist cum General Holy Spirit has always been at my right hand awaiting for instructions. Failure is only the beginning because You will never waste anything that I went through. Instead You will take the stumbling block to be my starting stone.

I know that I'm not a scholar neither talented nor short BUT I know I have what it takes to grow and equip my PLATOON OF 50! Rising up mighty men of valour for the next generation of leaders. This is because I have seen it happening so I know that it can & will & shall be done. What I see sustains my hope & gives me the strength to press on though the road may be long and the valley can be deep & the enemy is pressing in. This fight is not going to be easy. BUT together with my Battle Strategist & General Holy Spirit, generals & soldiers, we shall run this race & win the prize.

Also, I'm going to believe for 2HDs, 1D & 1Cr for this semester. I know it has not been achieved before but gonna believe it & start acting on it. Again, it can be done because I have what it takes to be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath, no weapon formed against me shall prosper for I'm a child of God and Your most precious, priced and valued creation.

Besides, I believe he will come because I deserve Your best to fight this battle victoriously, its not gonna be a lonely battle. Please send him that i know there is such a person so that I may be encouraged.

Therefore, I shall undertake the mission to save and grow 50 privates that none of them will be lost in the battle, rise up another Commander to take my place, stepping up in my academic vision & looking forward to the one that You will send. I'm running this race with the hope to see the light at the end & to proclaim "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race & I have kept the faith!"

Yours sincerely,

Commander Tan J W.

what piang!!! cant stand it. was talking about who has a thumbdrive and my dear friend just kept quiet and continue with his stuff. only to realise that W really has no other gadgets to receive the stupid Sales Strategy file. he took it out and fling it at me. *faint* but its ok. i shall have patience, anyway, i sometimes will also float to somewhere else.

i was kinda frustrated yesterday when CS asked me about the special someone that i like. i mean how on earth he know? i mean i must admit that i was rather sensitive to the whole issue. seriously, i have no idea why but to feel a sense of insecurity and betrayal when he asked me that. It is as if someone spilled the beans and now people know about my secrets. not to mention, actually yesterday i felt angry with him when he told CS that he likes someone and it is someone that he also know.

i'm really irritated by the whole incident. i really felt betrayed and now i wont be opening up to tell people about my personal things easily. people learn from experience. after this whole thing, somehow i told myself that i will not trust people easily.

Wednesday, September 3

Talking about him because i cant talk about him anywhere else @ 17:23

i really dunno what to say about him. i know that he has always tried to come closer and tried to know me better. and initially, i did agree that i am attracted to him. but, not anymore. because somehow i cannot accept the height difference.

after pastor Casey Treat's preaching on sunday at jurong west, i just knew that i still deserve God's best and there was no need to compromise what my heart really desired after.

IF i will to tell him today that the crush is over, will he be CRUSHED?

The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders. It's in the width of his arms that encircle you.

The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice. It's in the gentle words he whispers.

The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has. It's how good a buddy he is with his children.

The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work. It's in how respected he is at home.

The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits. It's in how tender he touches.

The strength of a man isn't in the hair on his chest. It's in his heart, that lies within his chest.

The strength of a man isn't how many women he's loved. It's in being true to one woman.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift. It's in the burdens he can carry.

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