Life is like a TV show

Wednesday, June 30

God ordained renewal @ 15:25

I’m amazed all the time on how God affirms our decision when we are not really sure whether it is His will. I’m in awe of His sovereignty and indeed everything is controlled in His hands. No man can shut the door when He wills it to be open neither can anyone try to open the door when He shuts it tight.

Yesterday Dr AR Bernard preached a word in season which is what I really needed to hear exactly at this present moment. I needed answers, guidance and directions.

God ordained revival has 5 elements of renewal –
1. Personal renewal – examine our own life

2. Relational renewal – examine the people you allow to occupy your intimate boundary; they should help you to move to the next stage

3. Purpose renewal – examine what activities are you involved in; outcome vs output

4. Structural renewal – the way you are structured for 1 level doesn’t mean that it’s the structure for the next level; success vs activities; movement vs progress

5. Cultural renewal – new shift in terms of the impact on society

In life, we arrive through stages, level to level through some kind of crisis. With each level, we gain knowledge, understanding, responsibility, authority and deepening of our character. We are only as strong as our character and God measures it internally. So we got to be first renewed within so that strength comes from within and create an internal capacity.

We will be able to discover the revival that is ordained by God when we develop the capacity to discern and identify God’s action without our intervention; God’s providential activity.

We pray for discernment because God is constantly working and does things behind the scene. So sometimes when he has already started working, you may not even know it!

Isaiah 43:19
“Behold” = take a look. God has to say “take a look!” because sometimes we are not attentive to His voice and direction.
NLT: “I have already done a new thing. Can’t you see it?”

Sometimes we can’t see God doing a work in our lives and all we can put our focus on is on the fruits of our labour; fixing our eyes on the outcome.

I preached this sermon during the last cell group meeting with E399 as I felt that everyone needed to reaffirm themselves to run the race and fulfill the vision that has been set before us.

How does God work in our lives?

Phase 1: DREAM

Phase 2: DECISION

Phase 3: DELAY

Phase 4: DEAD END

Phase 5: DELIVERANCE

I’m pretty tired physically and mentally but I think I should continue blogging and not lose the momentum of writing what has drawn my attention to.

During our weekend service last Saturday, I was reminded about Abraham’s commitment to God by letting go of certain important and precious items in his life to fulfill God’s will in his life.

First, he left Ur to go to Canaan. Then, he dwelt in Haran as his father was not well and he wanted to bring him along. After his dad died, Abraham was able to make the second release and carried on in his journey. He still had someone with him; Lot, his nephew who was righteous but not holy and was materialistic and self-centered. After which, Abraham made a mistake and had Ishmael as his son and let go of his miracle son, Isaac.

Abraham had to leave the familiar and comfortable environment and family attachment. When Abraham let go of Lot, he practically let go of the veil that could cause Abraham to stray from his direction and purpose. He had to let fo of his past failures and mistakes. There will also be a test on the vision that has been given to us.

Everything happened just so as to have us put God first in our life and trust in Him no matter where we would need to head to despite of the situation before us.

I related back to my situation and I knew that the Holy Spirit is reaffirming me to let go of the things that I have been so comfortably holding on and be secured in. I have to let go of the old wine skin as being a leader, let go of the sheep that I have been tending for so long and leave them into God’s hands that they would be safe in the new leadership that God is placing them in.

I felt His love and assurance once again that everything would be alright when I let go of the old wine skin to receive the new wine skin!

I saw God holding my hands to walk a journey together.

Physically it may seem to be lonely initially as I’m starting all over in a new place but spiritually God is holding my hand walking together.

Do this that He may be glorified and all may know that we serve a real divine being.

Tuesday, June 29

Grieved in my heart. @ 17:11

Feeling down since the midnight of Saturday.

Certain issues are unsettled in my heart and I know that I had to wrestle with God on these issues. Struggling on these issues which seem to clog my mind, emotions and feelings.

I know that Pst Phil just preached about being above our emotions. However so, I feel grieved in my spirit.

Struggled with myself not to grieve or even allow myself to land into that situation where I open doors to the certain ungodly forces. It felt like it's so easy to be emotional.

I do not know how to express the exact feeling I'm having now but it is definitely not something joyful or nice.

Met up my Uni friends on Saturday to celebrate our happy fruit's birthday. Ended up drinking with friends who stayed up and sabotaging the birthday girl. Left 2 bottles and I helped to finish it also. Felt like breaking down but held back, resisting the devil. I kept y composure and made sure I did not cross the line of getting drunk though I have issues in mind.

Despite all these, I guess God will always set aside a remnant for us.

MOM brought me out yesterday for dinner and to shop around as she knew that a new arrangement with a different environment has officially set in last week. Maybe she also feel that I have certain unsettling issue which I have yet to deal with.

Shared with MOM yesterday and she had the same response and outlook on that matter.

Still I had to face it and deal with it.

Not feeling so good. Withdrawing a while to figure things out.

Friday, June 25

Saw his updates today. @ 17:49

Hahahaha!! Finally waited to this day.

Checking for updates everyday and finally it was updated today.

Simply happy just by seeing it. It brings joy to me no matter how gloomy the day have been.

*Smiling with simple and plain happiness*

Speak like them.

Behave like them.

Act like them.

Relate to all sorts of things like them.

Resolve issue like their way.

React to dangerous situation like them.

Put myself into their position, situation and lifestyle.

But I'm not them. I don't think like them because my value system is guided by a total opposite principle.

Blogged this on 23rd June but thought that it would be appropriate to announce the arrangement to my cell group before posting this up.

Tuesday, the EMs met up at Jurong church to pray together with Pastor and just get connected to him again after staying out of the stage scene for 22 days. Liwei, QXiaoWei and I went forward to see Pastor and Sun face to face to give them a hug and an encouragement of presence that the church is still standing strong together. Missed him so much.

I met up with Liwei for dinner before going for meeting at the Best Coffeeshop to eat our usual ban mian. We had a chat on various things and ended up discussing about my plan moving forward. Options are wide as we thought about the possibilities that we can undertake but which exactly is the option, the path that God wants us to take? Which option would be according to the will of God?

I recall a few weeks back when the Holy Spirit showed me that I will have many options before me and which option to take would only be revealed in the realm of the Spirit. He kept reminding me about that vision these few days and I could relate this stage to what He has already showed me a few weeks back.

Last week, while listening to Pastor Phil’s sermon on Podcast, he shared about Jeremiah. God ALREADY has a plan for Jeremiah but Jeremiah has to seek Him in prayer to know what has been installed.

I knew that I had to seek God in worship and prayer to make the wise decision so that I could avoid walking in circles or wasting my youth away making decisions that lead to regret. Pastor Phil also reminded us that we have to make decisions in faith because fear and doubt will cause you to misjudge your decisions.

Have been thinking about my path and plans for the future and what goals do I need to set to make that vision into a reality. God has ALREADY given everything we needed and the ball is in our court to create our own life story. 2 main options, 1 take a break and continue in the cell group ministry; 2 continue in the cell group ministry; 3 step down.

Option 1 & 2 were relatively similar such that I will continue with the cell group ministry eventually. However, something to consider is am I called primarily into this ministry? I shared with Liwei that I didn’t have a clear vision of being a shepherd or a leader. Recently, the Holy Spirit kept reminding me about the day when Rev Ulf Ekman was preaching in the indoor stadium and he called onto all the future leaders of each cell group to respond to the ministry time so that he could impart the anointing into them. I wanted it so badly. Not the ministry, not the position, not what they are doing but what they are receiving; the anointing and power of God. I talked to myself that I wanted what the leaders had also; primarily because I wanted to be close to Him. At the time, I still do not understand fully about serving God. Coming back, I’m not sure if this is I really want to do primarily.

Option 3 is what I’m considering. I felt somehow in my heart that I ought to start pursuing the vision that was set in my heart and sometimes in order to do that I got to give up certain things that I have in my hands. Honestly, I am still praying and asking for more confirmation because as much as I want to walk in faith, I also want to be sure in my heart that this is where the Lord would bring me to.

During worship yesterday, I lift up my hands and sang praises to God, asking Him about the path that has been laid out at the same time. I can’t help but to pray for it!

I saw in a vision of myself once again climbing onto the altar of sacrifice as I lift my hands in surrender. And as I knelt on the altar, the surrounding was dark, as If I was alone and no matter how badly I asked or cried for help, it was still dark, there was no reply. I remember kneeling there on my own in the dark praying without ceasing until I saw a person in bright light walking past me at a far distance. It was Jesus; the familiar figure, presence and company which I recognized since the age of 11. I called His name and fellowshipped with Him. I asked for His grace, mercy and anointing to be upon me and fill me with His Spirit that I may display the God flavor in my life and be able to walk through this tough time. I asked God to help me walk through this stage and He reminded me about His promise “My grace is sufficient for you”. I saw a Hand reaching toward me as He anoints me from the crown of my head to the soul of my feet.

As I saw this vision, I felt warmth on my head and his love as we sang “Sweetest Devotion” led by Alison.

Tears flowed down when I felt His love and assurance as I thought about the times which I have been through, treading and overcoming on grounds that no man has gone to. I recall going to places on my own, when I had to start everything from the beginning in a foreign place; going to KCP, going to TPJC, retaining in J1, going to RMIT etc.

There’s a voice telling me that it would take what I have experienced and learnt before to move into new ground but I had to let go of the old things to accept the new things.

I had to let go of my cell group, members, my title, position and some privileges which I had been having for 4 years; giving up my comfort zone. It would be a great sacrifice.

Still, I know that I had to pray more and really be assured that this is the way to go. With the way to go, I need to know where to head to. So at present, I would be in Ian’s cell group as I figured out my life with God.

Wednesday, June 23

It will never be late. @ 16:08

I shared with one of my friend that I really really long to have a companion to past time together and fulfill the vision given together.

Oh God! As much as I bless those who are happily attached and married, I would also like to have this blessing!

Have mercy on me! Hahaha!!

Pastor Phil said, even after praying and fasting, if there is still no miracle happening, we need to depend on the grace of God that is sufficient for us!

I need Your grace badly as I face this race on my own now as you prepare us for the journey ahead. But please don’t take too long.

I thought about my relationship and wondered if there is really someone out there who is meant for me. Can it be the one that I am seeing now? Seeing as in literally see but still do not know him personally as there was no opportunity for me to know him.

I thought about Benson and Melvin; a crush and an ex-boyfriend who was never meant to be. I remember loving them for a 'long long time' and it took me another 'long long time' to let go.

I wondered to myself to figure out what went wrong. Was I attracted to the wrong person or my expectation was simply wrong? Was my criteria a wrong set to begin with in the first place or is it an experience that I have to go through?

Would it be right this time?

Actually I feel glad and delighted whenever I see his updates on my Facebook live feeds. Seeing his updates just makes me happy. But I'm hoping for more than that honestly. Praying all the time for opportunities for it to happen. =X

I recalled a number of sermons that various pastors preached about getting our prayers answered.

1. Perseverance
2. In the will of God.

If it is not in the will of God to give it to you, no matter how hard you pray, it would never happen.

I thought about it and wondered. Is this in the will of God?

BUT God will save the day! I believe there is someone. Patience is to keep walking without ceasing faith and hope!

I will keep asking till it come to past! Heh heh heh..

Sunday, June 20

Daddy's day. @ 20:47

Today is Daddy's day and I thought maybe I should blog about him today.

Honestly, DAD's not the most perfect dad on Earth and there are times he can really be a hard nut to crack to me. However so, we all make mistakes and learn through walking in life, showing mercy and grace to one another.

As the youngest and only daughter in the family, I would stick closely to DAD and MOM. When DAD was still a captain in SAFTI, I often go to his office to play with his computer to do cards using clipart as we didn't have 1 at home, meet his friends at the camp and play with their kids. We would try those warfare games like Red Alert on computer which was actually meant for the army guys there.

SAF would have various activities in the SAFTI camp and DAD would bring MOM and I along to join in the fun and be exposed to army stuff. I was there when the Discovery Centre had their grand opening and we tried everything for free! I remember the screen-play as an army recruit in a movie shoot for fun, a game which is warfare simulated to attack the enemy and I tried carrying a real rifle to shoot targets. Man. I think it was all accurate shots. Haha!

Aside from these, DAD would bring me to Toa Payoh to cycle outside Toa Payoh Entertainment Centre and would never fail to buy a large MacDonald's fries after cycling.

DAD would also bring the whole entire family; including MOM; to Pulau Ubin to cycle and explore the nature. He would teach us certain facts about the nature and my brothers and I would be so interested to hear about it.

DAD and MOM were there when I took my PSLE results and was proud of me as I could choose to go to the Express stream. I got to admit that my family don't emphasize results and we are not smart kids compared to other cousins or people but MOM and DAD would teach us about character building and life skills and always believed that as long as we tried our best, they would be happy and be proud of us.

By the time, I was in Primary 6, DAD changed and chose to be an educator at Kuo Chuan Presbyterian Secondary School. He took chances to rope me into the school as I was posted to some random neighbourhood school, Christ Church Secondary School. You cannot imagine the condition of the school before it moved to the new premise in the North!

When I was there, I think I performed rather well not only in terms of academics as I jumped from the last class to the next best class (we only had 3 Express classes) but also in my CCA. Joined the Girl Guides and became a Patrol Leader. I was a house captain and I think we won as the overall house champion during the year I was the house captain. I was also a chairman for the peer support leader camp which was actually our Secondary One Orientation Camp. Though I didn't make it, many claimed that I should be the President for our Prefectory Board. However, the teachers didn't give it to me as they were afraid that others would say I had an upper hand as my DAD was a teacher there though he wouldn't involve himself in such matter. I remember DAD encouraging me and telling me that it didn't matter whether I was the President or not but just do well in what I had. Anyway, it didn't really bother me as I also wasn't looking forward to be the President due to what we call politics? Hahaha.

DAD and MOM were there when I got my O'Level results too.

They tried very very hard to appeal to the St Andrew Cathedral Church to see if there's any help or even to the school so that I could fulfill my dream. It was my dream to enter the St Andrew Junior College since Secondary 2. However, I didn't make it and entered into Serangoon JC but asked for a transfer to Tampines JC.

When I was there, I did extremely well as a kayaker cum dragonboater but had a whole big mess for my results. DAD was upset as he knew that I actually could make it with focus and more effort. I got my A'Level results and was left with a crossroad between repeating a private A's, enter Poly or enter into private Uni.

I chose to enter into RMIT (private Uni) and had a whole big arguement with DAD as we didn't have the means to pay for the course fees. Eventually, DAD went an extra mile to borrow from the bank to pay for my course fees. Did averagely well in University but DAD and MOM were still proud of me not because I am the first and only Degree holder in the family for now but because I succeeded to graduate, pulling through the entire tertiary life without failing any subjects. They knew I did my best this time as they saw my focus, efforts and dilligence to complete my Degree and they were proud of me as their kid. Hahahaha! DAD bought the most expensive bear, the biggest in my collection so far, my Forever Friends bear which holds 3 stalks of roses which cost more than $150! Well, he willingly bought it to celebrate my success.

Now, I'm working and he teaches me certain skills to handle difficult situation like politics and people.

Not to forget, he would not apologise to me after a heated arguement but would express it by buying my favourite Famous Amos cookie.

There was one time when DAD MOM and I went KL for a holiday and saw the Extra Large TY Valentine bear. DAD and MOM knew that I had been aiming at it for a long time but it was nowhere to be found in Singapore. But they hesitated to get it as it was too big and pricey. So we came back to Singapore without getting it, but the bear was still in the checklist of 'Must-get'. DAD and MOM chanced upon it in Large size during the Robinson's sale and immediately bought it despite the fact that it cost S$99!! They left it on my bed so that when I entered my room, I would discover a surprise from them. After many years of living together, I realised that was their way to surprise me! And MOM would pop into my room and see my reaction as I open up the shopping bag. Hahahahaha!

MOE usually organises Family Day carnivals and there was once it was held in the zoo. They set up carnival of games and food and gave out TY bears as prizes for the games. DAD and I got excited as he knew I love them. Strategy, focus, aim and winning the carnival game would never be an issue to DAD since he was with the SAF for 20 over years! But I only loved a few of them so we chose the games that had those bears instead. I think he won 5 or 6 bears for me!! I still had them with me today. Hahaha! But I never forget the great time together with DAD and MOM and saw how DAD would go all out to get the things I really wanted at that time. Something called "father's love".

Thanks DAD for walking with me since I was born. You taught me how to walk, how to live and how to be successful in life. Thanks for appreciating me, comforting me, assuring me, walking with me and protecting me since the day when I had nothing till today. I appreciate your sacrifices that you sowed into the family with simple aim in life that is to have all of us grow up and be happy in life with good characters. Thanks for giving up certain desires that you have to fulfill our dreams. Thanks for your grace, mercy and patience to walk with us in life, to see us fall down and pick up again, to accept our weaknesses and bad attitudes at times.

Thanks DAD. Love you.

Friday, June 18

My grace is sufficient! @ 18:14

It is written. “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

You already have been empowered as His grace is the undeserved power that was given to us. “Already” meant it is all ready set on the table for you.

Like what Pastor Phil shared on the Tuesday leaders meeting that day, he shared from Psalms 23. “You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies..”

He has set a table before you to nourish you and prepare you for battle. Therefore, do not worry about the provision because it has ALL-READY been provided.
He is our Jehovah Jireh, our Provider.

When we are weak, He would be strong! When we are poor, He is rich!!

Joshua 1:1-9

1 After the death of Moses the servant of the Lord, it came to pass that the Lord spoke to Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' assistant, saying: 2 "Moses My servant is dead. Now therefore, arise, go over this Jordan, you and all this people, to the land which I am giving to them--the children of Israel. 3 Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given you, as I said to Moses. 4 From the wilderness and this Lebanon as far as the great river, the River Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and to the Great Sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your territory. 5 No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life; as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you. 6 Be strong and of good courage, for to this people you shall divide as an inheritance the land which I swore to their fathers to give them. 7 Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go. 8 This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

What are you going through today? Are you going through a battle in the mind? And which camp are you in now? The camp of VICTORY or the camp of DEFEAT thinking that you are a loser?

Maybe its time to speak the results you want to see. Maybe its time you start to life your heart in the hope and trust towards God and lift your hands in surrender as you abide and depend on Him. Maybe its time you start praising His name and fill yourself and the environment around you with power!

Faith is for now and it is about using what you have in your hands. Faith is also about work as the bible promises that with faith like a mustard seed you are able to move mountains INTO THE SEA! You shall trample over every serpents! You are empowered and have been given the authority to expand your vision and pursue them.

You write your own story and no one else could help you. You make your decisions today to determine your reality tomorrow.

What do you say today? It is time. And the time is NOW.

Every opportunity has an expiry date. Learn to seize your moments TODAY. Don’t live a life of regret but victory and fruitfulness!

Reading Joshua 6.

Can you imagine the level of intensity that the children of Israel were going through when they marched around the Jericho City for 6 days without seeing anything happening?

Friends, this was a battlefield, warfare between the children of Israel and the people of Jericho and not some merry-go-round game going on.

Just imagine yourself in their shoes.

On the first day, the people obeyed the instructions given by Joshua to march around the walls of Jericho, doing nothing else but marching. The soldiers of the Jericho city were standing at the gates and the perimeter of their kingdom guarding their territory with alertness and with a certain uncertainty due to the intensity between both camps. At the same time, the people of Jericho have a certain confidence as they knew that they were a strong city and it would almost be impossible to defeat them. An attitude full of pride and confidence on the walls that they have built as it sustained many wars and emerged victorious.

First day has ended, now the second day. They did the same thing and the people of Jericho started to get nervous as they could not understand what the Israelites were doing. It was totally not the norm to be marching around their enemy’s kingdom but not attacking them with the weapons.

Second day has ended, now the third day. Still, nothing seems to change or nothing seems to be happening. There were no fire sent down from the sky, there was no swarm of insects sent to wipe out the city of Jericho. There was no special miracle happening!

By the time, it reached the fourth day. The people of Jericho start to be complacent and laughed at what they seem to be powerless, weak Israelites. They would be making fun of the Israelites and mock their strategy and methods of fighting a battle!

In spite of all that the enemies were saying, the Israelites continued to trust their leader and simply obeyed the simple task of marching around the city until the seventh day!

Imagine the thoughts that could have crossed the mind of the Israelites? Like anyone of us, thoughts like “Are you sure?”; “Why is there nothing happening when God spoke and I obeyed?”; “Did I not obey totally?”; “What I heard is it really God’s instructions and voice? Or is it my own voice?”; “If it is really God, why is there still no miracle?”; “When would God perform that miracle?”; “I can’t take those mocking, critical comments of the enemy anymore! They are laughing at me!”; “I am called the child of God but why it seems like the enemy is blessed while I’m cursed?” and many more!

The children of Israel keep on marching, keep on marching, keep on marching until the seventh day when Joshua asked them to shout the highest praise of God and blow the trumpet as loud as they could! When they started to shout the loudest praise to God and kept their faith strong with strong unity among them, they start to see cracks on the walls of Jericho! By now, the soldiers of Jericho start to get nervous as they saw the cracks and the trembling ground when their enemies started shouting praises to their God!

Eventually, the walls of Jericho came tumbling down and the enemy is crippled and trampled over with shame and defeat!!

Tuesday, June 15

Card making made possible? @ 22:52

Considering very much to pursue now is should I open a blogshop to sell handmade cards? Will I have the creativity to sustain the business? Or the expertise to be a small entreprenuer? Or the time to make the cards? Or the people to support this business idea by buying my design? Or the capability and resources to make great cards? Or the skills to make professional-looking and expensive-looking cards in perfect condition?

God help. I need grace. I need assurance. I need direction to say that this is something I should pursue in-line with what I really want to do eventually.

How many of you actually think that I can and should go ahead with it?

Thank God for great blessings in life. These blessings I felt are encouragements from God for consistently and constantly choosing the narrow path and following Him.

Within a month up to now, what have I reap? Aside from spiritual blessings, I had blessings from my parents.

Mom bought hundreds and hundreds worth of clothings worth from Topshop, River Island, Cotton On, NeuLook, Dorothy Perkins, Zara, Mango and Miss Selfridge; almost $40 worth of Diva accessories; Japanese accessories from NBC; and about $60 worth of make-up stuff from Watsons. Looks scary hur? Haha! But I did chip in part of the cost too alright? Paying out of my savings and vouchers given as my birthday present and taking a loan from Mom till I'm back from Taiwan.

What else was installed?

Dad went to the zoo with his students and my eldest brother. Maybe they saw my grumble on Facebook that everyone was going to the zoo but I was going to work. Dad bought a lion stuff toy from the Singapore Zoological Park souvenir store and secretly put it on my bed before I could reach home from work. Feel loved from the little surprise that Dad and Mom always have for me once a while since I was born.

Last week, I spoke with Mom that I would very much like to have a camera. I can be really really bad in my memory and photos are the way that I can keep my memory for as long as they exist! Having a camera was important. On Saturday, they went to the PC Fair and picked up the camera that I spoke about and a 1 terabyte external hard disk which I requested for also. As Dad has the $500 benefit that MOE has given to every teacher to buy anything that was related to work, I managed to cover the cost of the camera and external hard disk. So I only had to pay Mom and Dad an interest free loan of $200!!!

Last but the not end of blessings, Mom and Dad went to Suntec for an anniversary service by St Andrew Cathedral. After service and lunch together with their church friends, they went shopping and saw a great deal in the Precious Thoughts store. Thinking of me, they picked up a pair of wedding bears by the Forever Friends and chose the best pair. Oh well, they still remember that I love Forever Friends deep deep deep!! Other than my graduation last year, it has been a long long time since they got any Forever Friends bear for me randomly because of the price tagged onto their ears. Exclusively expensive.

Loved loved loved. Feel secured and encouraged by the warmth that Mom and Dad gave to me as I struggled at work and ministry. It is always true that we would never be left alone because there would always be a remnant there for us; a little hope left for me.

Just when I was considering to pursue a new thing with boldness, something struck me which left me handicapped as my confidence level was pulled down once again.

I had a disagreement with a friend on how work was done and that friend took it personally. To me, it was simple, I just want work to be done professionally so that no one can pick on anyone for not performing well. I just wanted things to be done excellently well especially when my reputation and impression given to others in the corporate world was at stake.

However, that friend who has not much experience didn't see it in this point of view, instead, became personal with me when I picked on details.

I called him up trying to clear up the misunderstanding and make him understand about the corporate environment and how things are done here. Instead, it ended up a heated up conversation in which I was trying to find out what was he thinking exactly.

Instead of talking about work, he accused me for being extremely defensive so I would not listen to what he was saying so he didn't bother to explain.

To me, there wasn't much of a link here though I admit that I have a tendency to be defensive especially when I don't see your point. However so, as conscious as whenever I could be, I always tried to make sure I take a step back and accept other's opinion.

Affected by the words he said about me, my confidence was crushed. It felt as if I couldn't do many things right instead always end up offending others.

I went for lunch and spoke about this matter with my colleagues who are much more experienced than me. They gave me certain advices and norms which they usually use when handling an external vendor. I calmed down and really thought through the things that happened between the 2 of us.

Honestly, there were many thoughts that were tormenting me. Thoughts like "I'm a failure", "I can never be good enough", "I am wrong" etc kept influencing my mind. This time, I felt like there was a spiritual warfare in my mind, attacking my thoughts and mindset which frame my world and boundary to which I will go. As much as I want to be humble and teachable, I would still stand on certain principles that I base myself on when handling this job with that friend. Convictions which are principles that never waver. Just like what Pastor Phil says, when things go bad, dosen't mean that leaders are bad! When such things go wrong, dosen't mean that I don't have what it takes or I am not empowered. I AM ALREADY EMPOWERED AND GIVEN THE AUTHORITY.

What I felt that I could have been better is that I could have been more level-headed and calm when I speak to him in spite of the blame that was put on me and felt sabotaged. And if willing to learn, I could teach him or share with him. If unwilling, he would have to learn it the hard way or in a longer route. On the other hand, I felt that I wasn't wrong about the expectation on the excellence of work to be done by him. If he couldn't perform it and blame it on everything else except to be humble and be willing to learn, I would say that there was no professionalism in terms of work submitted.

No hard feelings and no personal attacks. Just strictly talking on the topic of work.

I am sure about myself and would be more than willing to learn. However, if learning means harming one's confidence and self-image, it wouldn't be learning but false humility. It should be something that is positive, edifying and encouraging not demeening. And confidence is not about pushing others down so that you can feel better, but it is being sure about yourself, acknowledging your strength and weaknesses. Pastor also taught about being selective in what others say and today I realise and learn about it. Not everything that is said about us is true.

Today, while on the way to office after visiting my orthodontist to fix my excess wire that is poking my cheeks badly, I was just thinking about my potential.

A voice asked "So how much of your potential do you think you are using now?" I screened through the percentage up to 100%, I felt I have been using about 30% of my potential since the time when I was disappointed with people and myself which left an imprint so deep that caused an experience that is crippling my mind and soul.

A voice reminded me about what I could do if I would just increase the amount of potential that is within me. I compared it to what I was using now and realised that I have been cruising through life and never dare to do anything more or further.

Some may call it spiritually dry, some may call it spiritually burn out, others can categorize it as lack of passion and fire or even lost of vision.

I call it fear.

Fear of what? Fear of disappointment. Fear of failure. Fear of giving up. Fear of not being to endure through. Fear of causing others to fail. Fear of being wrong. Fear of chastening. Fear of trying again.

There are many fears.

On the other hand, He has always been reminding that I have been given the authority to trample over giants in life and over obstacles that stand in my way. He has always been assuring me that I have been empowered to pursue what I was supposed to pursue.

Cruising every day of my life is like living a life that only expresses 30% of my potential until the day I am buried 6 feet underground with 70% of potential still within my dead body. Like what Dr AR Bernard said. Our aim in life is not to die a glorious death but to die empty. You never know how much more you can achieve if you would just unleash your potential more by a 10%. You never know if you are the next billionaire or a history maker leaving a legacy behind while you are still alive!

After all was said, I knew I needed the grace of God and boldness to once again be daring to dream and pursue the things that was engraved in my heart with passion.

Sunday, June 13

Saturday speech by Pst Phil @ 15:27

Yesterday, Pastor Phil spoke a speech which was really really superb. He never fail to show his charm everytime he came. Hahahaha!!

He shared about his friend who was going through a tough time and was very discouraged by the great trial that he was going through.

The demons were tormenting his mind with all the wrong thoughts as he drown himself with discouragement, dismay and fear. Suddenly the veil was removed and he start to see his environment with his spiritual eyes. He saw a circle of angels standing around him with heads bow and swords in their hands. They were not swaying their swords to fight a great fight, instead they were holding their swords, discouraged.

That was the moment when his friend realized the impact that praise and worship brings, it unleashes God's anointing and power into his environment to fight a good fight! So he started to worship and lift up his hands and filled his words with praise to God despite the situations in his life at that time. That was when the angels started to feel the power filling the atmosphere, faith and courage were increasing, strength renewed and hearts were once again strong. The angels positioned themselves and swayed their swords to slay the demons and won a great battle!

Patience is to wait for a long time under immense pressure with a GOOD attitude. So we are taking the immense pressure today to have patience for a greater trial tomorrow.

He shared about another joke of a woman who fell off the aeroplane and landed on a ship that was just below the plane. Bam!!! She fell through the 1st deck. BAM!!!! She fell through the 2nd deck. BAMMM!!!!!!!! She fell through the 3rd deck and reached the bottom of the ship. The captain saw a woman falling through the 3 decks and ran immediately to find out about her condition.

But when he reached the bottom of the ship, he saw her sweeping the dust away from her clothing as if there was no pain or injury. Curious, the captain asked her "How on Earth did you do that? How did you survive a fall like that???" She simply laughed and replied "Oh! It's nothing. I have been through many 'hardships'!"

Laugh at your problems today!

Whenever you go through trials and arise victorious, you gain a little more authority!

And God always give you the vision ahead of the trials to prepare you because you do not have capacity for the vision today! So its the same body but a different person who fulfilled the vision, a different person after going through trials in life.

Stick with your vision today!

And do not be swayed when bad things happen because when you judge by what you see, you may not understand what is going on. So you can make a bad judgement by going an extreme when you have no understanding!

Let me pen these down; the words that Pst Phil preached this week should be written on the tablets of my heart.

On Tuesday, he came to speak to the leaders of the church to encourage us and I feel more importantly is to assure us that there's nothing to be afraid of as others are still believing in us and we should stay together to keep believing that the church stands in righteousness.

I was moved by Pst Phil and family's love and trust in us or rather our Senior Pastor, Pastor Kong. Indeed, we need such cheerleaders in life to keep us in the right path and assure us that we are not facing trials and tribulations alone. Indeed, we need such true friends to comfort us and cause us to laugh at the problems that are positioned in our life.

1. Self - Knowing who you are
2. Sonship - Knowing what stakes you hold in your hands
3. Servant
4. Shepherd - To bring peace and calmness in the storm
5. Ministry - Anybody in ministry needs to have the heart of a shepherd
6. The church - when we have everything in place, the church will be immovable!

A few things which he said reminded us that most of the things that are floating in our mind are liars from the devil and all of them are not true and will never happen.

- Just because things go bad, dosen't mean that the leaders are bad!

- A problem is a problem when it overwhelms your emotion. INSTEAD, overwhelm your emotions with faith!

- Walk with laughter and it will teach you nothing. But walk with pain and it will teach you everything you need to know.

- You will find Jesus nearer to you during times of trials.

- When the miracles wouldn't happen even after praying and fasting, then you got to learn how to live with trials; live above your trials by depending on God. "My grace is sufficient for you"

- A wise person is always known by their speech; it carries prudence and appropriatness

Friday, June 11

Nothing to fear @ 16:35

Yesterday, there was warfare in office because I was caught in the middle of a dangerous game called politics. Boss called me in for a discussion in a closed door setting. Next moment I realize that one of the managers was trying to pull me down in a situation by finding faults with what I did. However, those claims were not true and I spoke the truth which cornered him to a helpless situation. He was unhappy and couldn’t wait to pull me down again. He picked another fault which seemed to be mine forgetting that I was simply responding to the requirement that they have agreed on. This time, it caused him to be extremely defensive and sensitive towards me.

When I left the meeting, the rest stayed on to discuss on other matters and I went off for lunch. I met one of my colleagues at the lobby when going back from lunch with Liwei. He commented that the manager actually bad-mouthed me after I left the meeting saying that I had a bad attitude and that I was giving a smirk like I was looking on that manager’s team. Wow. Smart move.

Tired of all these attacks which could drain me totally, I simply just wanted to go home where it is safe and secured yesterday. I promised myself that I would do my quiet time yesterday when I reach home but I was simply too tired and had an early night instead.

I woke up feeling guilty today. So I asked God for forgiveness as I still could not discipline myself. I was praying and wondered how to tackle all the fiery darts that were coming at me. I was reminded about a verse – “I sent you out as sheep among the wolves…” I could not remember the contents and went to search the bible. It was found in Matthew 10.

Matthew 10:16-31
16 "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. 17 But beware of men, for they will deliver you up to councils and scourge you in their synagogues. 18 You will be brought before governors and kings for My sake, as a testimony to them and to the Gentiles. 19 But when they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak; 20 for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you. 21 Now brother will deliver up brother to death, and a father his child; and children will rise up against parents and cause them to be put to death. 22 And you will be hated by all for My name's sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved. 23 When they persecute you in this city, flee to another. For assuredly, I say to you, you will not have gone through the cities of Israel before the Son of Man comes. 24 A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master. 25 It is enough for a disciple that he be like his teacher, and a servant like his master. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more will they call those of his household! 26 Therefore do not fear them. For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known. 27 "Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops. 28 And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. 30 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Luke 10:19
19 Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.

I knew there’s nothing to fear with God as my Advocate. There was nothing to be afraid about because the battle belongs to the Lord.

While I was walking to my office from the bus-stop, my faith arises as I knew that there is nothing to be afraid about because all authority has been given to me. He also reminded me about the promise, the revelation which I kept in my heart to sustain my entire journey. He reminded me that He is the eyes on my butterfly wings so that I have no need to fear any evil.

It’s been 11 days since the end of Asia Conference, since the day I tried to look at things in a different point of view.

This week, I start to pick up on the most basic thing again because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sustain this walk with God without praying. I knew what I had to do, but the challenge is walking the talk. Discipline is always a challenge to me and up to now I’m still trying to perfect it.

Another reason to start praying again is the fact that I’m losing patience which is caused by the lack of love for others, to accept others as they are. I knew I will fall into the black pit and find it hard to pick up again kind of cycle if I still do not start abiding in Him.

I struggled for the first few days and on Wednesday I decided to commune with God as I journeyed my way to work in the morning like how I used to do it when I was schooling.

The first prayer I prayed was a prayer of repentance; next was a prayer of restoration. I wanted to start all over again where it is a beginning of a new journey. I looked back and watched how I have walked so far for the past few years. I realized that I have been trying to maintain the victorious times I had in the past, be it cell group growth, leadership, discipleship and everything. This maintenance mindset has caused me to fall back into many disappointments as I could not meet those expectations that I set for myself from the past victories. Disappointments led to more disappointments which led to fear, guilt and condemnation and result to a mindset of defeat.

I met Liwei yesterday for lunch and we discussed about this matter. I guess we need to renew of our mind and putting on the mind of Christ to break out of our usual mindset, full of negative thoughts which we spiral into. It would be almost impossible to change the outcome of all the situations in our life if we choose not to depend on God’s grace and mercy to renew our mind; it would become a replay of defeated outcomes for one situation and the next. It will seem like you cannot break out of the curse of failure and your whole life will become extremely miserable filled with failures.

So on Wednesday before I reach my office, I made a prayer of renewal. I knew I would not be able to renew my mind myself instead I had to be open and depend on God’s grace which is sufficient for us all despite the situations and consequences that has happened. Allow God to deal with the things in our life, allow Him to do what He needs to do.

I asked God to renew me once again so that I can freely pursue a whole new journey with a whole new mindset. It was like asking God to press the “reset back to default” button for my life. It may seem like I’m going back to square 1, however, it would be different this time because I have learnt many lessons through failures, mistakes, trial and error from the previous round. So it would be different this time as I was more prepared than the last time.

“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 3:13-14

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