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Life is like a TV show

Wednesday, December 9

Mid-week blue. @ 13:55

By the way, I packed chicken rice back to office because I am feeling this mid-week blue! Am having this emo-feeling.. Oh man.. May the emo-ness fade away as excitment and passion comes.

What's interesting? What's exciting? And how to treasure the goodness and the great time that is over?

I think it is about appreciating the little details of life. The simple things are sometimes the answer to our "blue-ness" in life be it work, family, friends, other commitments.

Conclusion: I need a simple surprise in life to get myself going on. The simple surprise to motivate me to keep doing what I am doing. That simple surprise that will set the mundane life to be interesting again. "Different" is what I need.

Simple things.
Was chatting with my colleague as we went to pack chicken rice for lunch.

I realised that she had stayed and studied in London for 6 years before coming to Singapore to work as a foreigner. She completed her A Levels and Degree there and even tried working while studying at the same time.

A PRC from Shen Zhen with no chinese slang, speaks good English, Chinese and Cantonese only at the age 25 years old really made me envy her. Imagine the amount and level of exposure from people, culture, situation and many more!

I asked her about the scary experience living in London as people are generally bias towards Asians. She said that there was an instance when a man spit onto her friend's hair in the upper deck of the double deckle bus! Another instance was her friend was robbed while travelling to school in an underground passage way! We also joked about the Blacks who insults the Asians whenever they are drunk. Rationale: Blacks are also being prejudiced against in many places other than the Asians and it is a rather funny thing to have them criticising us as Asians.

Coming back, I have always wished that I could have the opportunity to travel around the world to experience the different culture, people and the environment other than South East Asian countries. Being in a tropical country, I wanted to experience the lifestyle of having Summer, Winter, Autumn and Spring. Experience the snow falling from the sky. Experience the simple life that people live in. Experience the wild night life. Experience a whole different EXPERIENCE by travelling around.

Many will share about their bad experience or the other ugly side of such experience. I think everything has its pros and cons and it is a matter of how you blow the pros to be bigger than the cons through your perspectives. And what is your interest, desire and passion.

Well, this is just a side dream hoping to come true in the near future. But I wonder if I am destined to ever have this journey in my life. Hopefully so!

Tuesday, December 8

What do I really want? @ 00:35

Erm.. Not really destined to post this because this is the second time I am typing this as I experienced some error the first time round.

Anyway, I think sometimes I really do not know what I really want.

Rationale as I should be, I can't, as emotions and feelings can sometimes overwhelm the rationale thinking in me.

Oh man.. Shall take a step at a time then slowly realise what is before me.

Monday, December 7

My birthday celebration part 2 - The Gang @ 23:59

After fellowship with my members, Christine, Yaowen and I took a train down to Bugis to meet with the rest of The Gang for a second round of celebration.

On the train towards Tanah Merah, I met Benson who was sitting directly in front of where I was standing. Just as I was shocked to see him, he was even more shocked to see me. Not sure is it because of my make up or the changes of my outward appearance since the last time we saw each other at Dhoby Ghaut. We chatted a while and soon ran out of topic to talk about.

We alighted at Bugis and met up with Margaret and Liwei who was fuming with anger as everyone was late as usual. After which we proceed to Blu Jaz Cafe and they celebrated my birthday with a customized design cake and the recycled sunflowers from my members. Appreciated every little details that they come up with for my birthday every year. Hopefully, every year there will more and more people added into The Gang as we bring our other half.

After which, I made 2 wishes which I think I need not share as you should know what are they if you know me. My friends took out a Christmas pledged forms and wrote down all the 16 measurable qualities of a man I was looking and asked me to choose 6 different guys to give my sunflower to and take a photo with them.

Gamed to take up their challenge, I managed to distribute some sunflowers to the guys around the bar and took some photos with them.

I think it was an exciting experience as you get to step out of your comfort zone to know new people. Especially the foreigners who are more open to such requests and know strangers. It was kinda fun as it was really out of the norm of birthday celebrations that we usually have.

Don't get me wrong that I do not like the usual way of celebrating a birthday yeah? I only meant that it was more exciting and fun to do something you haven't done before.

Yep. End of birthday celebrations on Saturday.
I am really grateful for all the celebrations, preparations and efforts that you guys put in just to make me happy on my special day.

Some of you probably really wanted to surprise but I think it is rather difficult as it will mean a whole new creative idea that is totally opposite from the norm.

First celebration was by my members on Saturday, 5th December, after service. Apparently Christine, Yaowen and Michael went missing after service and I guessed that they were preparing for my surprise. They came with a basket of sunflower with my photo and BALLOONS! MANY BALLOONS!!

My cell group sang a birthday song for song together with Timothy's cell group and it was totally awkward as the people do not understand what was going on and they do not really care about being integrated together. But anyway, it was totally weird as I gave my birthday speech because I was nobody to Timothy's cell group and I guess the arrangement was not done properly to his side. So I made a short one by thanking all and proceed on to my cell group to do what we wanted to do so that everyone can feel more comfortable.

After presenting the card, present and flowers with balloon, the guys requested that I must burst all the balloons so that I can get my wish by having 23 different guys to choose from. Oh well, what rubbish. They simply just had an intention to scare me. But anyway, I think I took 20-30mins to burst all the balloons as all the guys made my life easier by bursting some of the balloons. But I still had to overcome my fears to take the first step. Everyone was staring at me as we wrecked up a big scene in Hall 8.

After all the bursting of balloons.. Cooling down.. I spoke to my people from the burden of my heart and shared that they really need to learn how to seek God for those who are younger. And really rely on Him for those who are older, not to give up their dreams.

After the end of the celebration, we went to Terminal 3 for dinner.

Thursday, December 3

Issues of the heart does matter. @ 13:12

Wrote that it doesn't matter when you know what is more important. But I think I was refering to small issues which the bible describes as things that does not profit or little concerns that will distract you from the main purpose.

Was rather upset with my parents last night when Mom told me that they invited grandma and my uncle's family for a steamboat session on Sunday for dinner. Dad suggested this because my friends were coming over for a steamboat session for lunch and thought that they could just continue the session for dinner.

In my mind, I thought that it would be rather rush and restricted for us to do anything because grandma would probably be coming over at 5pm while we are starting our lunch at probably 2.30pm? This restriction that I felt, just made me lose the excitment or enthusiasism for the gathering on Sunday because I was looking forward to a free and easy relaxed steamboat session without a need to rush or worry to get to the next activity. It frustrates me further when Mom did not thought of this yet she is always the one that dosen't like to rush for activities.

Aside from these, the thoughts behind these actions and decisions made me upset. My rationale is since you have already made the decision and arrangements then what is there to discuss because you have made up your mind. What is there to hear about my opinion since you have already took things further by making arrangements?

As all these thoughts were going through my mind, I kept quiet and finished dinner quickly but Mom knew that I was unhappy about it. I left the table by saying that I have no comments and they can go ahead with whatever arrangements since they have already decided.

Went back to my room and broke down not beacuse I was sad but more likely due to the anger which I did not want to display or vent out. I took the same approach when my brother overloaded my computer but did not resolve the root problem and said that he is too busy to settle my computer. I tried to eat down or hide the anger in me and did not want to vent nor share anything because it knew that it will not change a thing and Mom will keep saying that she cannot help. So my stand is "What's the point?"

Mom came into my room trying to talk to me but I was firm on not speaking or sharing anything as I knew that I was still angry. But she probing and I just blurt my thoughts briefly and said that they can just go ahead because even if they postpone it, my mood for that event was already gone because having grandma and uncle's family coming for dinner is not the issue.

As Mom came into my room the second time to tell me that Dad has postponed the dinner to next week, it didn't even lift up any mood or anything in me. I was in a whatever-lor kind of thinking and mindset when she tried to talk to me.

I don't understand why is she so mad and really don't wish think about it.


Does my birthday always have to be so hard going or so upsetting?

I still can recall that I was extremely affected when someone left the cell group last year during my birthday period and I blamed myself for her decision to leave until I release it to God this year.

This year, family problem just overwhelms me especially my brother whom I am extremely irritated and frustated with. But I cannot really be bothered with him since I know that I am not able to affect him or change his mindset positively since I'm the youngest and he does not regard my opinions and suggestions.

Frustrated. Yet there is nothing much to do or say except to change my mindset and perspective.

Actually, it is not that bad because there still beautiful things happening around me as these things are happening.

ARGHHHHHhh... GOD HELP ME TO BE MORE POSITIVE!

Wednesday, December 2

It dosen't really matter. @ 14:16

Yesterday, I went for leader's meeting and Pastor Philip Wagner and his wife, Holly (I think that's the spelling) spoke and shared a word with the leaders.

Was kind of inspired by his wife's enthusiasism and excitment as she preached to the crowd of leaders. She shared about creativity of God's people and the unity that we ought to have. Through unity, anything is possible for the church. Unity means that while we are different, we ought to go for the same vision and direction as a church. She shared about a science research done on human genochromes and realise that every human genes are 99% identical. The differences that we see in each other only consist of that 1%. Furthermore, she kept emphasizing that we should not confuse creativity with artistic talents or wisdom. Wisdom tells us what to do and what not to do while creativity tells us how to do it.

Pastor Philip on the other hand was more reserved and structured in his preaching. He shared about the leadership using the story of Joseph. He also shared about the story of a brown bear which I vividly remember hearing it in one of Pastor Kong's preaching. This brown bear was locked in a small cage for 10years causing him to create a certain mental boundary which he allow himself to walk. But when the brown bear was forced into a new environment which he could explore more interesting things he stayed within the old boundary that he was in for 10years, walking only 10 steps to and fro.

He shared this story to emphasize that when we are given the freedom to do many things, we should not confine ourselves mentally in an inward prison. Even when we are given the chance and the opportunity, we still fail to detect and see it due to the narrow-mindedness that we have.

After the leaders meeting, I took the train home with Margaret. We shared about certain personal things and a learning lesson that we discuss and both agree on is the fact that there are many things that really dosen't matter.

I felt that knowing God really sets you free from the bondage of the mindset that you have to fight for everything that affects you. For example, this person treat you unfairly and you will want to fight for your justice. Your parents just bought a new laptop for your brother and you will want to fight for a fair game by asking your parents to buy something else for you. Somebody make fun of you and you just feel unsettled and upset. Some people got promoted in office and you really felt that he/she didn't deserve it because he/she really have no capabilities for that position. Sometimes, others are allowed to and can do something while you cannot. Sometimes you felt that you deserve a certain treatment maybe because you fork out a great effort for someone else yet you are not rewarded according to the expectations you had. Sometimes, your friends forget about your birthday and you get offended. Your lunch kaki forgot to ask you out for lunch and you get upset. AND THERE ARE MANY MORE...

But it dosen't really matter anymore.

I realised that after you know what is your purpose and what is more important, many other things dosen't really matter at all. I feel that the saying in the Bible is soo true. Freely you receive, freely you give and naked that you have come, naked that you shall go. Understand that you cannot bring anything else to Heaven except your experience, character and skills. You can never bring your laptop, PSP, iPod, iTouch, LV bag, car, house, investments, money to Heaven!

Of course, I am not against the desire to want something for yourself. But it is about placing the value and importance on the right matters. Even if I do not get a LV Noe bag or even a trip to Australia or a high chance that some important people forget my birthday at the end of the day so?

Conclusion that Ifelt strongly yesterday is, it dosen't really matter even if it seems to be so unfair. It dosen't really matter. What matters most is many other things that is unseen.

Tuesday, December 1

A boring day. @ 17:27

Really thank God for the confirmation on my job and everyone who has the power to push for my case.

Right now, it really felt like I have just joined the company as I have nothing much to do now. But the busy days are yet to come or start as the Intranet/Internet project has yet to start as the platform and the technology to support the whole system is not ready. So I'm still waiting for the confirmation on the software to be used so that I can start planning the user interface and everything.

After I started work, there are many things which seem to be so simple end up to be complicated and heavy tasks. Ithink these tasks often mix with politics and people's emotions and feelings in the office/department which makes it complicated.

I'm sooo looking forward to start working on the tough and real business to get busy again. Doing something new is the key to motivate me to slide out of my bed and step out of my house to get on the journey to office.

Still waiting.
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I am colour blind. I am tall. I hate things that pops out suddenly, bursting of balloons and PAIN. I can be shy sometimes.

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Eleni

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