Life is like a TV show

Tuesday, November 30

Dream too big. @ 01:29

Like seriously, the feeling of inadequacy to do this whole thing is kicking in. It is worst when you see so many great designs in the market and you compared it with your own.

But 'all things will work together for good for those who love the Lord'. Trust Him that He has already empowered you to get wealth and be prosperous.

I need that badly Lord, because I know that I am nothing without You. And I know myself that I am never a master of anything except through your grace and favor that I am able to do all this.

"When I am weak, You are strong."

Help me follow You. Sometimes Your dream is so great and big that I start to doubt whether You have chosen the right person or whether I can even do that. Sometimes I feel like someone else can do a much better job than me because of the experiences and skills they have gained with that kind of background as I knew that I'm cutting the queue with no background and skills in that industry.

This is crazy. It is like the past 1 year and 2 months when I endured in an IT department with no IT background or interest in it to begin with. This time it is much bigger and greater than myself. It seems to be so difficult to come to past that I knew it is beyond myself already because it's too big for me to comprehend. Just thinking about it makes me shiver in fear. It seems so ridiculous that I am not sure myself except to trust Him.

Oh God, help me follow You. I really need everything from You. I have a limp and the only way to 'survive' is to keep on leaning on You.

Failed BTT today by 1 mark. Disappointed? OF COURSE.

As I stepped out of the room, I was scolding myself for not passing when I knew that it isn’t so difficult. What gone wrong? It’s the timing.

As I thought further, I start to be convinced that everything happened for a reason and this is probably 1 thing which God felt that it’s not time yet. Somehow I felt that He wanted me to focus my finances, time and efforts on the very thing that also has a season, and it is a season to sow into it. Basically, it is time to do that thing. As I thought more and more about it, I start to feel that He has a bigger plan, a plan far better than the one I set out for myself.

A soft whisper came saying “Seriously, don’t you think that you could just pass this BTT easily given your ability to study all this while? Yet, you failed and you think ‘how could it be possible when it is so easy?’ There is a reason. God can withhold or provide and He has His reason. He has a greater plan.”

Immediately, I knew what He was trying to say.

“"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” – Isaiah 55:9

There is a reason and a season; lean not on your own understanding.

Believe it or not.

The story which Pastor Kong shared last weekend about Joshua was already revealed to me much earlier this year when I was fighting a long-suffering battle with my then cell group. I wrote it down on my blog on June 18, 6.12pm. Some of you might recall now, what I have shared during one of the cell group meeting.
But what does this mean?

Was God trying to assure me that He has already know the future for me and that I have no need to worry whether things will work out because it will work out eventually?

I sat there as a congregation amazed and in awe as I found the same story preached on the stage as the revelation given to me many months back. First thought – Did Pastor read my blog or something? Why exactly the same? Shivers went down my spine as Pastor came to an end and closed the service with the same thing which I shared with my cell group then.

Tell me, teach me, lead me.

Thursday, November 25

Dreams.. @ 10:54

Just last night, I went to have a sumptuous meal sponsored by Mom and big Bro at Ban Leong Wah Hoe Seafood at Casuarina Road. We ate a 1.5kg GIGANTIC crab, large la la, a small plate of veggie and steamed/ fried man tou. DELICIOUS..

While we were going back home, I commented that Singaporeans are really too practical. There is always an opportunity cost to the things that we do. While we are being practical, we lose our vision and passion. Many dreams have been lost and potential wasted.

Mom replied me “To Singaporeans, you cannot pursue your dreams if you do not have the means (cash) to do it. So Singaporeans have to be practical to sustain our living here.”

So true. So Singaporean thinking.

Our traditional culture which was passed down by the many generations before me has molded us to have such a mindset as a survival instinct. While being practical, Singaporeans are afraid to pursue our dreams, our passion, our vision. So we pursue something that is safer and compromise our passion in life.

To me, I believe in doing what we love to do. I cannot drag myself to work everyday just for the sake of the paycheck, that’s for me. I know myself that I would not have the endurance or perseverance to do something I don’t enjoy doing.

Singapore do not have a stable market for the arts, entertainment or sports although these markets are drawing more attention today and are coming up in this small little country. And how can we compare ourselves to those countries/places which have a long history in these markets?

It’s a risk we have to take.

But I believe in the One who can make all things possible in His will.

Friday, November 19

Lord I really need You. @ 15:15

Give me a surprise.

Surprise me and I will sprint to the end with whatever strength and breath I have left to finish this race. I can’t afford to lose myself in the midst of surviving, I can’t afford to destroy what I have sowed so diligently in the beginning, I can’t afford to do as I wish and spoil the plan and I can’t afford to give up now.

Will You give me a surprise by answering that prayer? I will be so delighted and recharged with that prayer answered because it meant the time has come to answer that prayer; it is the season.

Sorry for whining and complaining that I can’t take it anymore even though You’ve said that You will never give us something which we cannot bear. This fiery furnace is burning, a test and trial to make me stronger yet I don’t like it. Who would? But I know that I could hide under Your wings and take refuge, I knew that I could go to the river and drink of the water and be refreshed, I knew that I could fall into Your outstretched arms and trust You will bring me through and I know that You have never left me, You held me hand tightly in Yours instead.

I really need strength. I needed to see You, Your hands, even though I have been trusting Your heart all this while.

Do not keep silent.

Prayer request: I want to know Mr CC.

I seriously have no more motivation to work in this place. Everyday, I would come late and have no more passion to do anything, would leave office 15mins after the knock-off time and go home.

It feels much more draining and tiring to scrap through everyday then to actually have things to work on. I would witness all the rubbish given by different individuals and many scenes happening as the consequences of the rubbish given. I would experience injustice and insulting acts from some guys who think they are very good and I am just lousy.

I have no more strength to fight, no more determination to be excellent, no more passion to be willing to do anything for this department. All I’m left to live on is hold onto the time that I have agreed to stay.

5 more days.

I know it should not end this way, but I really can’t take it anymore. Those attitudes that were given just stinks badly and I can’t tolerate them anymore. It seems so long yet I had to endure.

God, I need Your comfort and Your strength to uphold me. Give me the hope to hold onto the dreams.

Thursday, November 18

Wishlist @ 12:47

WISHLIST:

1) Capital Land ION vouchers
2) CASH

Please make my wish come true because I would need loads of the above to tide me through for 2-3 months without work. Thanks friends.

I left my EZ-link and some other cards in my iPhone pouch but I did not pack my iPhone into my bag on Saturday. Left home and took a cab to Expo for church service. Hitched a ride from Mck to Somerset 313 and I had to take a train to ION.

Did I bring my EZ-link?

Panicked.

I searched my bag, hoping for a miracle and there really was. My pouch was inside my bag and my EZ-link was inside the pocket. THANK GOD because usually when I don’t bring my iPhone out, I would forsake my pouch too.

Scary. For a moment, I felt like God has everything planned so everything would work out well.

I had that assurance, it would be alright.

God is always good.

On Saturday, I drag myself out of bed in the early morning to back-up and update my iPhone 3GS. Everything was smooth. I was expecting an iPhone with the new OS by the time I went for service. But it hanged there thereafter. Apparently there was some error and I had to pluck out the USB connection and force the phone to restart.

Error (14) is detected says iTunes.

I called for technical support on Monday and the person says he has to escalate it to level 2 support. I called again to request for level 2 support and after some diagnosis, he concluded that I had to bring my phone down to Singtel ComCenter. I brought it down and the person said she would do a restore for me and told me to come back 15-20minutes later. So my MOM and I decided to go for lunch while we wait for it to finish restoring.

I was quite disappointed, was expecting a 1-for-1 replacement.

We came back and the person we spoke to earlier was nowhere to be seen so we approached the information counter, and the guy helped us. He came back and said another person will attend to us and I knew I would have a new replacement.

Wish come true. That was Tuesday and today, my iPhone is only 2 days old. =D

Tuesday, November 16

Sincerely need help. @ 17:26

STRESSED.

Every single day I’m counting down to my last day, which is also the day to focus on my business venture! Very stressed, extremely.

I needed to get all the technical specifications of every single page of the business website done, create the business stamp, create name card, have all the card designs out and manufacture the stock by hand making them (an extremely tedious work) and what would the concept be?

Headache headache headache!

Stressed stressed stressed!

Worst of all, I feel so tired every time I got home from work, sometimes restless, sometimes super unmotivated. Time is ticking, dateline is drawing near but I can’t seem to get everything finalized.

Oh God! I need HELP here!!

I need Your creativity, Your strength, Your refreshing rivers of water, Your joy, Your inspiration, Your wisdom, Your knowledge, Your understanding. I need Your blessings and anointing!

And I need the favor from people. Send the right people whom I really need help from, people who are helpful and willing to help; people who are sincere and knowledgeable and people, and people who can be valuable friends.

I’m beginning to feel like the winter is almost ending and here comes spring, a new beginning. Good things are starting to come, the great reward of passing the test.

Seriously, I wouldn’t say that I have been going through a really serious and bad situation. Instead, it was a vicious cycle of battling the image that I have on myself, the identity that I hold. I knew what my weaknesses were, self-doubts you can say and lack of endurance and perseverance.

There was only 1 solution which I always fall back to, falling into the hands of the Miracle Maker.

Looking back, there was a transition (a new beginning), there were tests and tribulations, and there was a harvesting and now winter.

I believe great things are on the way.

Successful business venture, fulfilling and fruitful career, a purpose filled ministry and a beautiful relationship.

Yes, only believe; even when the days seem dark, only believe and keep on believing; even when you felt like letting go, keep holding on.

Saturday, November 13

Him again. Dreaming. @ 11:43

I have been dreaming about him throughout the night yesterday. Woke up from one; went back to sleep and dreamt another.

What does it mean? Hahaha.

Well, I still need to pray for open doors if really want to know him. But you will never know what might happen along the way.

Friday, November 12

Dont be blinded. @ 17:02

Yesterday, I attended cell group although I was tired mentally due to work; had to crack some brain to think of creative ideas.

Seriously, I struggled to focus during worship and forced myself to support the atmosphere because I think it was rather dry. During the word, I struggled to focus and understand what Ian was preaching and I was stoning for some time. HAHA! Oooops. But I could understand the sacrifices of these people who come together to bring the people somewhere, closer to God so this can’t go on.

And a thought suddenly came across and I knew what He was trying to say. Ian preached about good and bad success. Good success is about having God in the equation of our success. With God, we can have what we need to be successful. In order to have Him in the equation of our success, we got to trust and believe that His promises will come to past.

Sometimes, God will purposely blind us of the solution which is just right in front of us. We can do all sort s of things, try all sorts of methods but we will surely not see the solution if God chooses to blind us.

God can shut the door that no man can open or He can open the door that no man can shut it.

What for, you may ask; for 1 reason. This is allowed just so that the prodigal son will run back to the Father.

“Abide in Me and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.” – John 15:4

Trust, lean, depend and believe in Him today. Go back to Him in prayer, worship and fellowship and you will find the answer or solution to your problems. You will definitely find a way out when you are not blinded.

I came across this word ‘upholding’ while reading the comments that some members left on Pastor Kong’s tweet.

‘Upholding’ suggests strong support and trust.

This word paints a picture with a deep meaning in my heart.

It reminded me about Moses, about leadership. As much as there is only 1 leader but he will never be doing everything on his own.

“But Moses' hands became heavy; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. And Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. So Joshua defeated Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.” – Exodus 17:12-13

I recalled about God and His character. He will sustain, protect and uphold us.

Wednesday, November 10

Wrong flock of birds. @ 12:10

(The following is not referring to friends)

Seriously, is it me or what?

I seem to attract the wrong people. I thought birds of the same feathers flock together? What happened to my flock of birds?

Goodness. Can I start to attract the right bunch of people? If not, I think the stereotype of good looking people attracts good looking people is a lie. *sigh*

My friend once said, in this way, you determine who can and who cant easily because the flaws are simply obvious. Well, there is some point to it. *SIGH*

Goodness gracious me! Habits of going to facial have to start soon.

I guess it’s true. By a certain age you will see that the blemishes start to build up on your face and by then you have to do something about it early before it is too late.

Tuesday, November 9

Vengeance is Mine, I will repay. @ 11:27

I struggled and wrestled with God. Tough, it is tough to walk with Him at times.

Yesterday, I felt extremely unjustified as I felt I was fighting to survive when some people were trying to pull me down, humiliate me, insult me and seriously take things for granted. The feeling is bad, really bad. Worst when I felt no one understands, I felt alone.

I learnt that when we use “it’s like that” to counsel or comfort someone, it causes no positive effect except to lead the person further to despair. It is like telling someone to accept the fact that your life or LIFE IS TERRIBLE. Seriously, it kills what is left in us, the little hope and faith that we are holding onto. When I heard those words being said to me, I rebutted and refused to agree with it because our journey depends on our choices. Life can be more joyful with hopes and expectations for possibilities, miracles and opportunities.

With all that went on, I asked "Where is God?"

He reminded me that I ought not to fight on my own. Instead trust Him, bless my enemies and return no evil for evil. I found it very difficult, I was extremely unwilling to let the insults and humiliation pass me by. I cant tolerate those egoistic guys or condone with their behaviours and mindsets. I cant forgive them.

Nevertheless, I knew that God is never wrong. “My flesh is weak but my Spirit is willing.”

I no need to fight this on my own because He is my Advocate. And He will render to those who persecutes His people.

“Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord”

Do not set your mind on high things but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. – Romans 12:16

This verse crossed my mind before I left house for work today. “For His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts higher than our thoughts.” It will turn out fine when choose to obey, it definitely will because He protects, sustains and upholds.

不管前面的路有多困苦，耶稣你永远是我的帮助。
只要有你在我生命中永远看顾，我必能一路永跟随我的主。

Monday, November 8

Disappointed. @ 16:15

Disappointed..

Seriously, is it me or what?

Sometimes I wonder where did all the reaping go to when I sowed into other's lives. It felt like I have never put it in in the first place but I'm sure and clear that I did. So, where did it go to?

Should I sow even more to see a return or just let it be and die? I know I know, sow without expecting anything but there would be some which you sow to expect something. Like when you show love, or rendered help to others you just hope there would be others who show love and render help to you when you needed one or even asked for one.

Forget it. Things change, people change too. I'm just not expecting much the next time. Put on a mask and smile as if nothing happened, chat as if I'm alright, share as if we are very close.

Disappointed..

Tuesday, November 2

I refuse to agree with you, devil. @ 12:40

There is this voice inside me that kept asking me to confess and say “I HATE MY LIFE”.

But I refuse to come in agreement with it because life is not as screwed up as I’m feeling right now. The feeling is negative but my thoughts refuse to succumb to those feelings.

Put on the mind of Christ, the helmet of Salvation.

I confess that “Nothing is impossible to him who believes.” I proclaim that “All things work together for good to those who trust Him.” I say “Speak to the mountains and it shall be removed into the sea!”

Right now, I say “When I’m weak, You are strong. When I’m poor, You are rich!”. I confess that “In my weaknesses, Your strength will be made known.” I humbly say "Your grace is sufficient for me and Your mercies are everlasting."

I refuse to think that the conclusion is going to be ugly. Instead, I choose to believe that He has carved out a path, prepared a way out for me. I know He will place different ones to bring me through. I know I am weak or have no knowledge in that area but I know He will provide. "For You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End."

You are my Jehovah Jireh, my Provider.

I am determined; determined to keep running and believing without losing FAITH, HOPE and LOVE.

"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown." - 1 Corinthians 9:24-25

I met up with MOM yesterday to have dinner and scout for something from Daiso that she needed. But she couldn’t find it at Plaza Singapura so we made our way to VivoCity.

While having our supper at Toast Box, I was wondering if there would ever be a perfect job meant for each and every one of us. A perfect job that at the end of the day, we would still be smiling, loving everything that we have done all the time.

I would not forfeit the fact that we ought to work diligently but what I meant is enjoying what we are doing every single day. There is no need to drag ourselves out of bed because we dread going to work, facing the pile of work and certain people. Instead, we wake up instantly and go to work with excitement, enthusiasms, joy and passion everyday as if that responsibility is so meant for you. As if you are called to do it and God has customized this career for you. As if you have lived the years by to land yourself into that particular position and responsibility.

Would there ever be such a job that exists for every individual or I’m thinking too ideally? Too ideally because you can only find that happening in cartoons and there will always be certain things that you might be unhappy with or dissatisfied about in every job.

MOM says it is about finding out what I really like to do. It probably may not be the first few jobs that I land myself into but eventually I will find a career where I did belong to.

Is that true? Or we are just hoping, hoping that things would get better.

Monday, November 1

Feelings no more... @ 17:29

Feelings feelings feelings.

It would be quite inaccurate to base your decisions and conclusions on feelings. Yesh. I shared many things about how I feel and all sorts but give me some space to throw a little girly mood. Hahaha.

Actually I know what is going on at the ‘backstage’ but just wanted to whine a little because it makes me feel human. HA!

Anyway, I can’t succumb myself to stay in this environment of thoughts because it will cause life to be meaningless and depressing. It’s always good to snap out of it quickly.

Yesh yesh, I’m learning again. Slowly but surely, taking one step at a time. Please be patient with me.

I feel so disconnected from the world. It felt like I didn’t belong here.

The awkwardness I feel seems to be present with any group I hang out with. It felt like the things I comment or talk about feels out of space, unable to engage the target audience. It felt like there isn’t a space for me where I can be totally comfortable, a niche that I feel at ease.

It didn’t used to be like that.

Seriously, these thoughts that I’ve, this feelings that I’m having are making me feel insecure. So much more when I face different ones and there isn’t much to agree with or talk about.

Why is it beginning to be like that? Why a sudden need to seek for approval?

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