Life is like a TV show

Thursday, February 25

How much longer? @ 00:11

It is constantly on my mind. "How much longer can I endure?"

I wish I could give up but there is no instructions given or permission given. I wish I could just simply put it down with no regrets but I have come too far to do that. I wish I could leave easily but there are many strings attached to what I am doing.

I just hope I knew how.

Is this a new challenge or a new direction?

Is this meant to be or self-inflicted?

Is this the focus or just a sideline event?

So what now? Is there an answer that You could give me? My strength is failing and I would not wish to make a mistake in the paths that I choose because I seek the wrong refuge and rest in life.

I knew that I ought to walk with Him, for Him and in Him. I always knew. But the more important question to ask myself is, am I even walking where I ought to go? Am I in the will of God?

Some has asked me to talk to my leader. But I knew I was not ready as I could not reach a decision as to where I ought to go, how and when. I only had a painted picture of where I should be in future. At the end of the day, he would point me to the conclusion question "So what do you want to do now?". Because I am a leader.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

That's extremely true.

So, how much longer is this going to drag until it ends? I'm tired. Really tired. Please tell me how.

Sunday, February 14

Dare you to move by Switchfoot @ 01:34

Dare you to move by Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existance
Everyone's here
Everyone's here

Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself off up the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened, before...

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Yeah, I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself off up the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Mabye redemption has stories to tell
Mabye forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself, to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Keep holding on by Avril Lavigne

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
and it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I wont give in
No I wont give in

Keep holding on
coz you know I make it through
I make it through
Just stay strong
coz you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say(nothing you can say)
nothing you can do(nothing you can do)
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So Keep holding on
coz you know I make it through
I make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late this could have disappeared
Before the door's closed
And it comes to an end
with you by my side
I will fight and death end
I will fight and death end

Hear me what I say,what I say
I can leave
Nothing's gonna change
Nothing's gonna change estimate
whatever's meant to be
well without pythonic

Thursday, February 11

Sort things out. @ 16:45

I am really annoyed and frustrated inside.

But on second thoughts, I wondered. Why am I so frustrated and annoyed over small things? People never know how I feel because I have never expressed it. I have never told them that I need a little assurance. I have never told them that it hurts. I have never told them that I don't like it. So I can't blame them or get frustrated over things that arised out of assumptions.

I used to be taken aback by a friend who assumes that I will understand how to handle matters with her according to the situation. And I used to think that it is ridiculous because she didn't convey how she felt and expect me to know.

In a way, I am like her.

I guess I have to get this sorted out. Like what my colleague reminded me. If I cannot change people, I got to rise up to the occassion and change myself. I have to be responsible for the decisions that have been made much earlier. It's time to grow up and stop whinning like a little kid.

Although I have said the above, it dosen't mean that I will open up my emotional world to anybody. People whom have broken that trust would still have to earn it back though. But to me, again, it dosen't really matter. I must lift my spirits up again. Let go of what upsets me and be freeeeeee....

One day, I was thinking if I have changed ever since I started working. I guess I do.

Before I entered the next stage of life to earn a living on my own, the shopping days with friends and Mom took up most of my leisure time. Retail therapy, some call it. Oh well.. It was just window shopping. Like what Pastor mentioned last weekend. Youth have time but no money while adults have money but no time.

Now that I'm working, I started to learn how to shop on my own along the streets of Orchard. I battled the mindset of loneliness and awkward feeling of having no one to talk to and comment while shopping and I start to get used to it.

Before I started the working adult lifestyle, I remember relying on Dad and Mom to pay the bills and shopping. Even though I tried all ways and means to pay for it myself, however there are some BIG bills which I have to fall back onto Dad and Mom. Bills like study loans, HP bills, braces commitment, allowance, shopping expenses and meals!

Now that I am financially abled, I took over the commitments and paid the bills. Of course, good things don't come easy. Sacrifice time and effort to work to get that amount of money. Time to grow up. Responsibilities are getting more and more heavy as I grow up. Yet I feel like a little kid who always want to shirk that responsibility off my shoulder.

I thought about growing up. I didn't like it. But I think it is time to grow up and be a matured lady. A lady who is big in the inside, cool headed and slow to wrath. It is time to put aside childish things.

Wednesday, February 10

@ 13:43

I hate myself to be this emotional kid which seem to put a blame on everything and live in a self-pity world.

I hate myself to appear to be so strong that people forget that I am still a woman that also needs these emotional assurance.

I hate myself to appear like everything dosen't matter that people take it for granted that I will be fine until they realise a few tell-tale signs. When they realise that things are different, they wonder why am I like that.

I hate myself to procrastinate all the time that caused others their blessings.

I hate myself to lose the ability to endure and persevere on.

Freaking annoyed!

Why does everyone have the first impression that I am still dwelling on past things that has happened? The next thing you hear from them is "let go of the past".

I can let go of the past, this is not an issue. In fact, it is precisely that I have learnt to let go that it is still possible for us o be friends.

But why aren't you seeing the fact that there are consequences from the actions, behaviours and decisions that we have made? I am not concerned about what has past but it is the NOW and the FUTURE that I am concerned.

Why aren't you realising that the hurts which has imprinted a deep meaning on certain experience has become fears? Fears of getting another hurt and fears of getting the same hurt again. Is it a something wrong with me that I cannot be sure whether I will be safe or not? Is it wrong to just want to be certain or sure that it is really alright this time?

I remembered what my BIG boss said. Don't try to force fit a solution to a problem because it solves no problem at all.

Why are you talking me out to trust people again when I just cannot? And when I say I cannot, you say I must discern. Tell me about discernment. You are just not getting the point. Trying to explain what I meant frustrates you while you trying to explain your point frustrates me.

What the hell is it? Am I wrong just wanting to protect myself? Am I wrong to be afraid to open up to you? Was I wrong to pick up certain protective instincts when growing up? Is it wrong to keep quiet? Is it wrong to keep everything inside until I find someone really trustworthy? Tell me, am I wrong?

Do you even know how much of an emotional pressure I go through because of 5 cases which happened recently within these 3 years? Can you measure the amount of tears that was shed in my own room? Do you even know that as I appeared to be fine, I would run to my own secured place and burst out in tears as I battle the emotional walls that seem to cave in at the end of the day? Do you even know that I could not take everything anymore and screamed at the top of my voice and released all the profanity that I could find in my knowledge?

It dosen't matter anymore whether you know it or not, or whether you understands me or not, or whether you are meeting the very need that I am trying so hard to communicate to you. Because you can never know. It is sealed.

Tuesday, February 9

@ 21:15

HATI HAMBA (CHINESE)

我永远不会忘记
主你那丰富恩典
如今我在天父怀中
因为你舍下自己

你不看我的过去
只是完全接纳我
主你的爱何等伟大
我的心完全融化

我亲爱救主
我心何等感谢
你单单在意
我这爱你的心
我愿一生
追求跟随我主
谦卑为你
服事这世界

我亲爱救主
我要一生敬拜
在我生命中
你是唯一的爱
毫无保留
我愿献上所有
何等渴慕
能为你而活
耶稣我主

I was listening to this song when I thought about the times when I always cried out to have a true friend to understand me and grow up together. And that was when I met God and made Him my greatest friend. He was there when I was taking my PSLE exams. He was also there when I took my O Levels. He was still there when I took my A Levels and all the exams I took in my tertiary days at SIM RMIT.

As I listened to the song, I also thought of another group of friends who was with me during the few toughest moments last year. Even though they might not be aware of certain things that were happening, they were there to bring that little joy to my life. Little things they do to tell me that I am remembered and thought of. Little words they say that brings a little light in the midst of all the darkness and burdens. Little companionship that they give to bring a little warmth to the group of people that gathered together. Little special pet names that was given to each of us to make us unique and special in the group. Not much expectations and obligations gave me the freedom to be who I really am and just be crazy and wild without a need to pretend upright. Well, you know who you are. Thanks for all the joy and little thoughts that made me feel loved and accepted.

What is the difference between justification and excuse?

I was discussing this matter with my colleague as we thought about a case at work. When is it a right justification and when is it using excuses to manipulate a certain truth/ justification?

Recently, my brother also shared certain claims about an entity which I wouldn't want to mention names. Part of me was really taken aback by what he has shared while the other part of me doubted if it could be a manipulated truth?

Who is lying and who is telling the truth? I never want to know.

I guess when we don't have facts with us, it all voice down to our perspective and mindset.

But put that aside for the moment.

Have you ever thought? WHAT IF, the things like values, principles, perception, people that you so believe in really turns out to be a deception, what would you do?

There was once I did a survey, a few of the questions which I could only remember vividly are "Do you think that people can be bad?" My answer without doubt is "YES".

"Do you believe/ trust in people?" Oh well, I don't really trust in people especially after being exposed to a few cases where people can be really different from the time when you just knew them. Trusting in a person sets a certain expectation on them that they will behave according to what you think they should behave. Hence, after a few cases which I experienced personally, I start to lower that expectation by setting a certain boundary/ distance that I allow people to be close to me. It dosen't mean that I don't share my feelings and thoughts with people. I do it selectively.

There is a lock to my heart. Thoughts, feelings, history and many more issues which I consider to be very personal to me will always be sealed in a certain place of my heart. I used to share it, but not anymore. Not when I have experienced the ripple effect of consequences when someone spilled the beans. Never will I make the same mistakes again. NEVER. My rationale is what is the point of sharing the deep things of me only to realise that I might get hurt.

Also, don't expect me to trust someone who broke the trust just within minutes by sharing certain personal stuff without my permission or considering my feelings. Time will never heal the hurts caused from those actions. NEVER. Once bitten, twice shy. I apologise that I am like that. But I really can't bring myself to trust them at the same level that I used to have because you cannot deny the fact that there are certain things that has happened. Especially when I had to face the consequences even though it is not something that I created. I just can't. I also cannot deny the fact that I was really really hurt by what they did. I can't pretend nothing happened after 1 year has past, 2 years has past, 3 years has past and many more. I can't bring myself to lie that an unresolved issue which they never want to bring up ever again is over. I can't bring myself to pretend as if nothing has happened before. Things have happened SO things have changed since. Unless we put in the effort to build everything which was lost within a few minutes or days, if not things will never be the same again.

You can say that I should move on. But I am moving on, just that I am no longer the same towards certain issues and people. You cannot expect me to be the same person to you, without the fear of being hurt again. If you want me to step out, and bang the walls which I have built around myself as a protection, then show me that you can be trusted again. Show me that history will never repeat itself. I am also human, not God.

I am like any little kid who played with fire and will never touch fire again when I got burned. Once bitten, twice shy. Understand? Do you know what I mean? Do you know the trauma and emotional test that I went through that time? I am just afraid to be hurt again. Ok?

Pastor Paul Scanlon hit exactly on the bull's eye with almost a 100% accuracy when he preached what preached on Saturday Service at Expo.

He seem to preach a word in season for what I was questioning about in 1 of the areas in my life.

I was given a test a few years ago, when I was in JC and I failed. I faced my failures and picked myself up again step by step. I learnt how to gain back the trust from certain people that I lost when I failed that test and learnt certain principles which guides the lifestyle I am living today.

Today, it is a re-sit for the same test.

Again, I can't bring myself to make a decision. I stood on the fences like how I did a few years ago. My mind is telling the theories which I already knew all this while, yet, my heart is stirring up certain emotions to rebuke the theories in my brain.

"People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." An example of how useless theories and knowledge can be without applying into our lives, or simply using the sincere efforts to bring a message across.

Back to the topic.

So what now? What is the decision? Am I able to let go and really trust God that there is a better way out? Or should I take things into my own hands and put the bet that my cards are good enough? The theory says "let go and trust God" but the voice deep inside of me is screaming in desperation to hang onto it.

I know that I cannot fail this test again, otherwise it will come back again. Isn't it like that in school too? Until you learn how to pass a test then you can move on to your next stage.

Letting go and giving up is difficult but I knew that it is the right thing to do because I didn't have anything with me, nothing valuable. No way I could place any bets because nothing belongs to me. I was bought at a price. I knew that the only way out is for me is to surrender.

I am tired of fighting, hoping and cheering by myself. To me, many things dosen't really matter anymore. It is time for Him to take over and lead as my leader.

"Let the weak say I am strong,
Let the poor say I am rich...."

Thursday, February 4

Its alright to make mistakes @ 13:44

It is not about sustaining your ministry with your own hands such that you never fail or look bad in front of certain people.

But what is the point of this ministry in the first place? What is your focus for these people under you?

Honestly, things are starting to set in very slowly and people are starting to accept the new environment. But just like any workplace environment. As leaders, we have to make the decision and project the vision for this group of people.

I have to realise where do I want to bring these people to. Where should they be at after 1 year of guiding and teaching.

Oh welll... Is this another test that I have to go through again?

When can the real results appear without a need for any more tests?

Been through it, failed and picked myself up again to walk through it. Now it is back.

A good choice but not a God choice.

Am I going to give in and fail again this time? Or am I able to consecrate myself and stay in the principles that I have been taught since I was young?

What then? Will You tell me how? What do You want me to do?

How much longer do I need to wait? Or it has already been revealed right in front of me? Will it be this year?

HELP ME by Christian City Church

HELP ME TO STAND UP EACH DAY
TO WALK IN YOUR WAY
TO READ YOUR WORD AND PRAY
HELP ME TO FIGHT A GOOD FIGHT
TO STAY IN THE LIGHT
TO PRAISE YOU DAY AND NIGHT
HELP ME TO NOT JUST SURVIVE
TO BE SO ALIVE
SMILING ON THE INSIDE
HELP ME TO LET YOUR LOVE SHOW
TO LET YOUR LOVE FLOW
SO ALL THE PEOPLE KNOW

WOAH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH
MY HEART CRIES OUT TO YOU
WOAH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH
YOUR GRACE WILL SEE ME THROUGH
WOAH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH
YOU GIVE ME HEAVEN’S VIEW
WOAH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH
IT ALL COMES BACK TO YOU

HELP ME TO WALK IN YOUR LOVE
SENT FROM ABOVE
LIFTING ME UP
HELP ME TO SING A NEW SONG
WHEN EVERYTHING’S WRONG
YOU’RE KEEPING ME STRONG
HELP ME TO STAY BY YOUR SIDE
I DON’T HAVE TO HIDE
I’LL LIVE YOU ON THE OUTSIDE
HELP ME TO ALWAYS BE TRUE
I’M CARRIED BY YOU
I KNOW YOU’LL SEE ME THROUGH

HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME
CAUSE ALL I NEED IS YOU
HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME
CAUSE ALL I NEED IS YOU

HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME
CAUSE ALL I NEED IS YOU
HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME
CAUSE ALL I NEED IS YOU

Monday, February 1

Service with Pastor Niko @ 13:19

Wow.. Pastor Niko came to preach a relatively simple word.

He started with a verse:

Psalms 32: 8
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye"

This was a verse that was given to me when I was younger. A revelation to remind me about humility and allowing God to do what He needs to do.

Pastor preached about having intimacy with God and year 2010 is a year of restoration and abundance.

Restoration meant 3 things:

1. Many will hear about God
"Every knee shall bound, every tongue shall confess that Jesus is Lord"

2. Those who have lost hope will find hope in God again
"He is the resurrection life, those who believes in Me, shall live even though they are dead!"

3. Many in the past used to have certin things but the devil has stolen it away. But He'll restore it!
"He gives life and life more abundantly"

Those who walk intimately with God will understand the burden of the Lord and believe that it will come to past. And if you walk intimately with Him, you will be able to recognise His voice and guidance.

After ministry, I quickly pen down the things that I was reminded.

2 verses:

1. "His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts"

2. "Wisdom to God is foolishness to the world and wisdom to the world is foolishness to God"

Conclusion from this 2 verses is we cannot use the system of the world to analyse and determine the course of action to be taken because we may be in this world but we are not of this world. Being a child of God sets a different perspective and way of living. So when situations rise up, it is then right to use the system of the Kingdom of God to analyse and determine the next course of action to be done.

After service, I counselled Ivan and was reminded again that "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers of the dark side." The amazing thing when you allow God to use you is the power of words that comes out of your mouth!

I used the illustration of playing the English chess. We are just like the pieces and God is the player. He determines where we should go and what we should do. He also determines who is representing which role in the army of God's kingdom.

I brought Ivan to read a few verses about the bondservants of God. Peter, John James and many other bondservants of God didnt die a glorious death. Instead, they died a horrible death for the glory of God. Some called them martyrs for Christ.

Well, I do agree that sometimes it is really not easy to be a chess piece of God especially when your reputation and life is at stake. But when we go into the presence of God, where His love, peace, joy, grace and mercies flows, we will understand that "it is no longer I but Christ who lives in me."

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Life is like a TV show

Thursday, February 25

How much longer? @ 00:11

Sunday, February 14

Dare you to move by Switchfoot @ 01:34

Thursday, February 11

Sort things out. @ 16:45

Wednesday, February 10

@ 13:43

Tuesday, February 9

@ 21:15

Thursday, February 4

Its alright to make mistakes @ 13:44

Monday, February 1

Service with Pastor Niko @ 13:19

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