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Life is like a TV show

Saturday, March 31

睡不着 @ 01:59

正个人怎么了呢?

全身觉得很不自在,一直辗转反侧睡不着,默默地一直哭。

是不是觉得很不甘愿还是有别的原因?

好烦啊!好讨厌这个感觉哦。咳。。。

Thursday, March 29

Be an instrument @ 19:15

Pastor preached about "ABBA, ABBA, ABBA!!!"

I had no idea why but its probably the goodness and unconditional love that ABBA have towards me that made me cry like a baby on Saturday.

No matter what had happened, He loved me and trust me the same. Even when I've changed, He stayed the same.

It was the day when I decided to acknowledge that God is good no matter what happened or what I see ahead of me or how many unanswered prayers are there. God is still good.

And He reminded me about the violin and violinist.

Amazing vision I see again and I remembered.

It doesnt matter how much I have in my hands but that I allow Him in. Many times I forget and thought I'm the violinist who needs to learn and know how to play the violin so that beautiful melody is formed. If it really happen this way, the burden is on me.

"My burden is light and My yolk is easy."


So I'm the violin instead and He's the violinist. Get it?
I teared when I listened to the lyrics of this song carefully; its the same felts I had from my previous post.

No gift is too small.


5 loaves and 2 fishes by Corrinne May

A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
The kindness in His smile
And the boy cried out
With the trust of a child
He said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

I trust in you
I trust in you

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
No gift is too small

Sunday, March 25

Abba, You are good. @ 21:18

Human can be contradicting. Because theres always two sides of a coin in everything.

One moment we weigh the pros and cons, decide on our option, chosen that path an walk that way. But when hardship comes, we start to look back and consider the other option. Its not regretting what you've chosen but you just feel like its so difficult sometimes to walk the same path and you are considering alternatives where its easier.

I admit I am like this sometimes. Especially when self-doubt seeps in and I wonder if I can do it. As I 'see' or 'feel' that others can do better than me, I start to question about myself.

"我心里是想自己其实没怎么样. 真的."

I have to admit and accept that every human including myself have weaknesses and bad points.

But above all, I know God never makes a single mistake. Choosing me and directing me to walk this way will never be a mistake. I'll just keep failing and trying although its tough until I succeed.

What I learnt about writing arguementative essays for GP:
For every counter points, there will be counter counter points and a conclusion which supports the point you're putting across.

So my counter counter point for this is:
My God is always good. Although my faith on whats ahead can be tested, I'll always believe and know that my God is good. And I'll stand firm on this, not shaken.

The world can fail me but You will never ever fail me.

Wednesday, March 21

Procrastinate @ 09:29

I have 2 major weaknesses.

1. I give up easily
2. I procrastinate

I try to be earlier but I'll usually procrastinate for almost another 5-10mins before I go to bathe.

Relunctance. But I need to change that.

Finding joy and simple pleasures in every situation and environment again.

Tuesday, March 20

A prayer @ 23:32

Renew my life, Lord Jesus
I never want to be the same

Renew my life, Lord Jesus
Place this heart inside of me

In my life and thoughts there are so many things
That needs a change that only Your love can bring
And I need to be transformed into Your likeness oh Lord
Change this heart inside of me

Monday, March 19

I sing... @ 09:25

You've saw in strength, that I couldn't see.

You've given me life, when all I knew was defeat.

And all I can do, is to worship You.

And all I can say, is to walk Your ways.

Thursday, March 15

Grass is not greener there @ 18:40

The grass is not greener on the other side. You just have to water your side of the grass.

No matter how much I felt like giving up, the things that I learnt when I was younger kept reminding me to hang on. I told myself that if I cant even overcome this step in this place, I will not meet the next step elsewhere but the same one until I break through that. I dont wanna go in circles, coming back to the same situation which requires me to pull through.

As much as this place has its cons, everywhere else will have its cons too. Its not as beautiful or glamarous as you think. Start to dig deeper so that your roots will have a grip and is able to withstand harsh conditions.

Man are like rubber bands.

Many times when we feel like giving up, He will never fail to tell you that you ARE ABLE to go through it. But again, this journey has never been designed for you only. Instead, its designed for 2.

You & Him.

Monday, March 12

No more nonsense @ 18:45

No more complaining. No more whinning. No more breaking down. No more panicking. No more doubting. No more regreting. No more running away. No more giving up. No more bowing down. No more giving in.

Having down all. To stand.

Standing firm on the truth, the promises. Because You are always faithful.

Sunday, March 11

Close to my heart @ 14:23

Thank You for sending people who could bring comfort. Thank You for answering my prayer. Thank You for never leaving nor forsaking me in this journey.

"I'm weak but You are strong."

The very thing that really touched my heart and made me tear that morning was a message from a cell member -

"But God loves you the same and very much. In times like this, He is very close and dear. Ps 73 'He IS the strength of your heart and portion forever' - that no one can take away from you. Lift your eyes above...and know He is near."

He is very close, He is near.

Thank you for all your encouragements through messages. Appreciate your concerns although I did not share much or at all.

Thursday, March 8

Breathless @ 23:15

I just hope time can stop so that I can catch my breath.

I really cannot imagine that I could come to the stage where I feel like crying at certain times of the day; everyday. I really couldn't comprehend how I could go through this. While both my feet are in, I feel like throwing the towel and step out of it.

Everyday seems to me like minutes which past by with a blink of an eye. Everyday seems to me like a race, chasing a prize which something we all cannot see. Everyday seems like I cant take it anymore but I have no choice except to push myself according to the situation. Everyday seems like theres no end to the tunnel.

I cant breathe and I'm dying from inside.

You can share about the many things you go through and think that if you can go through, anyone else can too. Then why do I not see anyone else running the same route as me? My own opinion is everyone is different, we are gifted in various ways and we all have a different route to take.

I used to think like what you think but after years of being a leader, I realise it is not so. Everyone has a different journey to walk and placing this same expectation onto people may not be the best way to motivate someone.

All I could do is to remember God walking with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace seven times hotter than usual. He did not remove the danger/problem nor did they lose their faith.

God I can only say:

"Its not by might, nor by power but it is by the Holy Spirit."

"My Spirit is willing but my flesh is weak."

"When I'm weak, You are strong. When I'm poor, You are rich."

Help me.

Monday, March 5

Whats inside. @ 10:10

I just want to hug and cry.

I just want to run away.

Walking along the lanes of SMU and saw the students. Oh, how much I miss school.

Thursday, March 1

Nervous breakdown @ 19:14

I had a panic attack this afternoon and you would not want to know how it feels especially when I'm in this condition.

No idea why. There was a sudden panic anxiety attack. I guess its all the datelines, responsibilities and things that still need to be done in my mind that created this sudden mental breakdown.

For a moment I thought I was going to go crazy and bonkers. One moment I'm going panicky then anxious then I wanted to cry and breakdown. With all these stress, the inflammation in my rib cage reacted against it and it hurts.

I wanted to renew my mind and reminded myself about Joshua 1:3-9. But I just couldn't help it but to fall into the mental helplessness.

Whats going on? I feel like I cant take it any longer. Every part of me is protesting against every bit of workload.

Help me.
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