Life is like a TV show

Sunday, October 31

Restless. @ 20:59

I am feeling a sense of restlessness which cannot be cured.

I went for a very interesting fashion show cum Halloween party which I think was great just that I felt a little out of place. Probably because of the crowd I was with, I felt a little awkward in that place. Maybe I should say I was not comfortable to really be myself with the group I went with. There is still an image to keep up with.

Anyway, everything was great and the fashion show was an eye-opening experience, saw many good looking people and people who were seriously daring enough to dress up as a drag queen if we take things to an extreme. Haha! Interesting yet it did not cure my restlessness.

I needed something interesting to curb the desire for something fun and adventurous. I feel life is so boring now even though I’m working my way towards the vision.

What should I do now? I hope for a surprise to keep the day interesting. But what surprise do I long to have?

Wednesday, October 27

It will not be easy, but keep going. @ 15:14

He will not make it easy for you to do something for your ‘camp’. Just when you are about to start out, he will use all ways and means to cripple you so that you will drop what you are doing and give up. The enemy attacks in all ways through the mind, the heart, the body and the spirit man – at your weaknesses.

But do not fear, be still and know that He is God; greater, stronger and more able than the enemy or even yourself.

Made a mistake? Humble yourself, admit it, apologize and learn from it. We need another person to point out our wrong doings and imperfectness.

Failed something? It’s alright. Never back down, pick yourself up and try again. No one is born to be a champion or a winner at the first go, instead champions are trained.

Yes, I’m learning, I’m learning, slowly but surely.

Don’t ever think that you are not up to it or you are not good enough because no one is except for Him to strengthen us, lead us and teach us in the way that we ought to go. It will never be wrong following Him.

Tuesday, October 26

When I'm weak, You are strong. @ 12:26

I was so looking forward but now I am afraid to.

Afraid of what?

- Relationships where people will let you down, disappoint you or even breach the trust that you placed on them.

- Business ideas as you surf the net and realize that a couple of other people have started what you have in mind and you feel like a laggard. Nothing is original.

But you know what? I am putting aside all these thoughts. I just do my part. If I am weak in that area, I pray and trust that He who is strong will strengthen it.

I spoke to a friend yesterday as she shared about one soft spot that she has and I just said then just be weak, it’s alright. We don’t have to be strong 24/7 all the time in our life. If we are meant to be strong all the time, then what is it that you are struggling today?

Sometimes, our strength can be our weakness too. There are always 2 sides of a coin. – Pastor Tan

At the same time, be careful not to think that you are a weakling. Meekness is not weakness. We need to be humble but not falsely humble. While we acknowledge our weaknesses, acknowledge our strength too because to everyone, God has sown seeds of potential.

Coming back; only when we can be true to ourselves, when we are weak that He may show Himself strong, we can improve and be great in the things we do, fulfilling our vision. He will place the right people in your life to bring you through.

“…for it is He who gives you power to get wealth.” – Deuteronomy 8:18

"God never violates your free will, but He sure knows how to make you willing." - Dr AR Bernard

Monday, October 25

He will never force you. @ 18:00

Just yesterday, I was thinking about just having some random puppy love relationship as I really want to get myself out of singlehood.

I know that either sides of the grass are never greener or better, there will always be a pros and cons in every situation that we are being placed into. But I was really kind of determined to fall in love even if it meant having the risk of getting hurt. I just wanted to experience this whole thing but this time with the blessings from people which I missed out the first time.

But again, with who?

Today, I took a half day off in the morning and spent almost 1 hour praying. Of course, I was not praying for a relationship as the priority but more of realigning myself back to God and acknowledging that I have been all messed up. Praying for a relationship came last in my prayer. An image came into my mind but I refuse to accept it. I prayed for mercy instead! HAHAHA!

But seriously, there is an image or impression which we all wish to get in reality. There is an expectation which we hope God will meet. But what if God doesn’t, He has His way? As much as He knows about our heart’s desires, we still got to surrender before Him, knowing that He is sovereign. But know His character! He will never do something which you don’t want to do. So, don’t be mistaken that He will force it down your throat and ask you to accept the fact. HAHA! That is a wrong mindset about God.

Anyway, my options are open, no decisions are being made.

Friday, October 22

Girl matter @ 11:42

Ha! I was discussing with a friend about girls. It is true, sometimes we don’t know what we want except to know what we do not want.

I guess females are more emotional and subjected to follow their feelings more than the other party which resulted to flicker mindedness, not knowing what we want exactly. We are driven by emotions not by logic nor facts or analysis, unless we consciously choose to.

Personally, I do not agree with the flicker-mindedness as I also can’t tolerate much of it when I can’t stand flicker-minded people myself. Still, I have to admit that I do fall into this trap as a victim at times especially when it comes to matters of the heart – relationships / friendships. Otherwise, I would be relatively rational in decision making; weighing my pros and cons and the opportunity cost of making the decision.

We went on to discuss about girls wanting expensive stuff but rather have someone buying it for them than to go and earn it themselves. Not sure whether he was referring to my Twitter post about wanting someone to get this or that for me. Haha!

Anyway, I wasn’t really going to think that someone would actually get it for me because I know that people wouldn’t do it without an intention or motive. So without an intention or motive in mind, no one would actually go and bother about you.

But I posted it anyway, hoping that there will be that someone who would really surprise me by getting what I have out rightly said I wanted. Though, at the back of my mind, I knew no one would, in my heart, I wished someone would. Be it a girlfriend, a family member or even a guy friend, I only wished someone will.

I wish but I don’t expect it.

So, one day, I hope a wish would come true where someone would get me something I hope to have at that instant. I would be extremely touched.

Usually I don’t ask for something without a reason. Most of the time, a wish is made to cheer me up, or let me know I’m loved, or someone knows and cares.

Wednesday, October 20

A pleasant dream @ 10:06

I had a pleasant surprise when I feel asleep while watching C.S.I. and sipping my passion fruit milk tea which Mom bought for me last night.

I had a dream. A dream which I knew has no meaning behind it but it was due to a mind that is working very hard to create a beautiful fantasy. I dreamt about him. Aside from thinking about what happened in the past, I have almost forgotten about this person who once existed in my life and played part in shaping it.

Don’t ask me what I dreamt about, I can hardly remember it now. But I remember it was nice, he has grown up, more matured, more thoughtful, more cheerful and more like a gentlemen. And I could remember being attracted by his charm as he spoke.

I woke up in the midst of it and thought about the memories we had together. The deep memory along the orchard road surfaced, a sweet moment which beats the rest of the things we had together. That place where he tried again the second time, a strong temptation which I fought hard to resist. I knew the consequences of either options and chose the other. So I knew it was impossible to turn back or even get in touched with him now.

I wondered how he is doing; he probably has a girlfriend by now I guess.

But I hope we could at least be friends again. Only a thought.

Monday, October 18

Love should be in the air @ 16:45

Crazy me. I keep scrolling back till I see something I like, something I desire to have because I can only look at it now.

Ahhhhh.. I need to put down my own desire.

God save me! Hahahaha!!

But it’s difficult because we are called to love. Heeheehee. Just like Him, we are loving creatures. Oh yeah? Ha!!

Seriously, studying those codes are really making me crazy like a mad scientist. I need to find something that can take away this mundane feeling on a blue Monday. But at the same time, I knew I had to accomplish something.

Sunday, October 17

His love never fails @ 15:19

I finally knelt down and surrendered with both hands lifted up towards the sky as I cried out for help.

One thing I knew I was sure about was the fact that I didn’t want to lose this relationship with my greatest Friend. It kept popping up in my mind “This is a test. This is a test. This is a test….” I knew for sure that it was a test on my commitment. While everything else can fail, anything else which I could bring myself to let go, I kept telling myself that I would never let go of this Friend who came and found me. I was determined. I could change my cell group, my friends, or even church but I would never change my God; the only God whom I have vowed to serve.

While I saw different ones around me falling into various temptations and facing the consequences of choosing the broad path at the spur of being tempted, I was even more determined to find back the strength to always choose the narrow path. Because I never want to walk away from my great Friend who never fails to hold my hand, and I didn’t want to let Him down which I did once before. But I knew I couldn’t find the answer or the cure and all I could do was ask, ask for a word, ask for forgiveness and ask for help. Yes, ask.

My heart was all numbed to the environment and the things that were happening but I had this joy, knowing that He would come. During worship, in my mind was all about telling God “I would never let You go” repeatedly as we sang “Here is love” and “A pure heart”. Every word in the song “A pure heart” was really meant as a prayer. I knew I could not carry on like this and all I could do was to ask for help because I did not have the ability to save myself from this whole mess. I could not hear or feel anything during worship, but I knew worship was good although I didn’t really feel His presence.

Hopes are high as I knew He would come, heart was open as I knew He would speak and thoughts are focused to find the cure.

Pastor started preaching.

4 processes which God will bring us through to cause a change are:
a) Crisis
b) Commitment
c) Confession
d) Conversion

Jacob had to walk with a limp leaning on the support of a staff, reminding him to depend on God all the time. And what was my limp? I knew what it was, 2 biggest experiences which happened in my history of 24 years, which left big scars on my heart which I would never forget.

I recalled one of the experiences as Pastor came to a close. I recalled the promise which He made to me, the promise made in a vision which always kept me going on. And He reminded me about John 15:16:
“You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you”

And immediately, the knot in my heart was untied and stripped down completely. Understanding came, the veil removed and I knew what was happening.

With all that was happening, I closed up my heart, building a great wall to protect myself from getting more hurts. I was afraid of more things to come but I could not take it further and all I did to overcome all these burdens was to withdraw myself from the rest of the world. I went back to what I was almost 12 years ago when I felt like I could trust no one and I kept everything within myself. With this, I ended up closing up toward God, not willing to even let Him come in as I was afraid He would do the same like what the rest did.

I was reminded that I did not choose Him but He chose me and brought me out of that depression and misery. He could have chosen someone else and let me continue in my condition all this time during the 12 years but He did not and chose me still. And with that, He said “Trust Me.” I was reminded about what happened 6 years ago. I let Him down yet He still chose me. And He said “Let Me in.”

I cried as I knew what everything meant; as these are the things that were between me and God; as these are the things that I probably have not told anyone else because it was an experience which was difficult to explain or describe.

I opened up and the knot was untied, the misery lifted, the troubled heart resolved with a mind that is clear about what happened. But I know that there are still some other things to be dealt with. It will take time, some recovery time before I was all ready to stand up and trust others again. Slowly but surely, He will bring me through.

“Where the Spirit is, there is liberty.”

“The truth will set you free.”

Today, as I typed this entry post, I am once again reminded about His goodness and love. This love that never fails.

Tuesday, October 12

Eat, Pray and Love @ 18:10

I watched Eat, Love and Pray on Friday but I couldn’t really catch the principles behind the storyline and the narrator’s explanations hence I don’t really understand the whole gist of the movie.

One reason was because I was really tired after 1.5hours of badminton session. Another was the main reason, I was not trying to understand the principles in the movie because I had this prompting that I should not even try; at least for now.

The Holy Spirit knows me better than I know myself. He knew I could no longer differentiate the boundary between what pleases Him and what will not as my mind is clouded with the cares of this world and my heart being troubled with various hurts.

But there were certain things which I still managed to grasp and did not waste 10 ducks and 2 hours in the theatre!

People are not willing to get out of the situation that they are terribly unhappy or miserable in because they are afraid that it would be worst if they got out of it. So they rather not change the situation they are in through the choices they make; people rather make do with the unhappiness and misery.

Another one was about relationships. There was this guy who loved a woman very much and was deeply hurt by her was afraid to love again. And the only way to cure this fear is to trust once more. There always has been this clear line between fear and trust. Fear is the absence of trust and vice versa.

The last which I could only remember vaguely was about balance. I cant really remember what about balance except the word “BALANCE”. Ha!! STM..

But the 2 principles appealed so much to me because I was focusing on 2 matters in my life. 1 career, 2 relationship. Oh wel..

I was reading my recent blog post and come to think of it, I think I am becoming an emo kid withdrawing within herself, to a place where she could trust no one.

What happened?

I also would want to ask myself “What happened?” Where did the joy of the Lord disappear to? Why does the day seem so dark all the time?

I need to get out of this dark pit, this pit which only belongs to my old self. I need to get out of self-pity. I need to get out of self-doubt. I need to get out of fear. I need to get out of grief that grips my emotions. I need to get out of worries and stress. I need to cast my troubles aside and call unto Him.

Basically, I need to find rest; rest in the shadow of His wings where I knew I could completely thrust myself into His outstretched arms.

GOD HELP ME!

Enough of all these nonsense and it is really time to get out of it, it is time to grow up and throw away the childish things. Ahhhh.. There is so much to accomplish with this little capacity that I have and I knew there could only be ONE WAY. And I needed to get back to that place.

JO! Please wake up and stop sinking deeper! There are so many things that you could take joy in. Stay positive. Hang onto the joy of the Lord. Always remember; when you are weak, He is strong.

Believe me, give me some time. I will get back up again.

Monday, October 11

It's alright JO! @ 15:47

MOM spoke about how she felt from the discussion yesterday. She shared that her self worth seems to be so little in the eye of my DAD. My second brother took a step further to comfort her by talking about all the principles of living, speaking the opposite of what she was thinking.

I agreed with his reasoning but sometimes it felt like as the other party try very hard to talk you out of it that they forgot words can affect the soul which in turn affect the emotions of people. That we can’t deny the fact that we felt upset at the words thrown at us.

To me, sometimes it’s alright to feel angry, upset, frustrated or sad. But it should not take forever, deal with it, let the hurts go and forgive quickly.

If everything was about a logic or the intellect, God would not put emotions into people. But what defines the boundary between the acceptable and the unacceptable? When is it too much and when is it alright?

According to the principles or convictions of each individual, they put a boundary of what’s alright and what’s not.

I was frustrated on Saturday when I couldn’t get the reply from certain members of the cell group, hence I was left stranded, feeling lost in the big hall as the service started. As frustrated as I was, I became upset as the reality of loneliness crept into me. Worship has started and I still could not find them.

The PCGL and another guy that I contacted did not reply me. My members on the hand replied me and said they were at the side terrace, leaving no other specific details. I scouted from bravo to delta and finally charlie terrace where I found them.

The next thing that I realized was there was no seat for me. Oh... So they weren’t expecting me to be sitting with them. But thank God I found a seat at the next row, sitting alone with strangers.

Yes, it does and did affect me. I couldn’t even bring myself to worship God with all the frustration and upset feeling boiling inside of me. I kept asking God for forgiveness as I dealt with the emotions that were wrecking up.

At the same time, I could not deny the love of God as I wept in frustration during the first worship. No words could come out of my mouth and I just stood at the back row weeping in frustration. I waited till the second worship that I started singing and comforting myself that it was just a small matter.

By the end of the announcements and all, when Pst Phil started to preach, I felt much better. But what just happened was still dwelling in my mind. It was not the actions but the thoughts of the group that affected me as I was trained to look for the cause instead of the syndrome of these problems.

Now, as I am typing away my thoughts, I’m at the polyclinic alone, tolerating the nuisance of kids going wild without any parental supervision and old couples bickering at each other. Ha! But its ok. I’ll get this thoughts fixed very quickly. Base on a commitment which I reminded myself today.

I could let go of anything except for one, my God.

Sunday, October 10

Laugh, love, smile @ 23:46

Laughing at stupid things we did together, laughing at ourselves as we took idiotic photos, laughing at one another as we viewed the photos again, can’t stop laughing.

4 guys and a girl.

Sometimes life get so complicated that I forgot that there are simple things in which we can take joy in. Things can be simple. Being truly happy, laughing out loud, having fun, having giggles and forgetting about our problems, worries and troubles.

There were times we saw one another in ugly moments where we sink into a dark pit of depression, negativity and unhappiness but today is one of the day where all of us put aside every awkwardness, unhappiness and troubles to care and love one another.

When you enter a room, do people’s countenance brighten up as they see you coming or there is no difference or worst it brings down the atmosphere?

It has been some time since I laughed happily. With all the things that clouded my mind time and time again, I realized I have lost myself in the cares of this world, forgetting what I used to be.

I was reminded again. I love to smile, I love to laugh and I love the joy of the Lord.

Now, even though I have no need to hide true feelings or expressions as much as I do last time, I still choose to keep thoughts and problems to myself. I am afraid to be called or labeled as a complain queen or a negative person or a narrow-minded person again. I am afraid to trust others whom I thought I was sharing but people think otherwise. So before I regret it, I rather choose to keep all these to myself or to my blog.

Usually I get it sorted out on my own through the years that I have known Him. I once told a friend, I prefer not to do it alone.

Friday, October 8

Thank you Annie @ 16:40

Seriously I do not know where I will be without her. She is probably the one out of the two persons I trust in the office.

She called “Girl, I need to talk to you eh.” We went into one of the vacant meeting room, sat down and starting talking. I started by sharing how I felt about my position and situation; sharing that I hated admin to the core but I knew that it would be the only way to contribute to the department in my capability.

She replied and said that she knew clearly what I like, what I dislike, what I’m good at and what I can’t do. It is true and base on that I trusted her since the day I stepped into this department. She is one of the two persons whom I am totally indebted to. Holding back my tears, I was deeply touched by her care and

However so, I told her that I really needed a break. At the same time, I would like to see the vibes in the market where I would be able to learn more while serving my bond with IDA.

Upon hearing, I could see her disappointed yet understanding facial expression as she hoped that I stayed, on the other hand, she knew it was limited to meet my satisfaction for more.

The conversation ended with doors still wide open to welcome me back anytime if I decide to join them again. And she said

“You are still young. Do not be dismayed because of this little tough beginning.”

Thank you Annie.

Initially it was ok as it was the beginning to taking shitty stuff.

But when people see that it is ok, they beginning to pile you more with shitty things. And this frustration is getting bigger and stronger.

Out of the heart flows the issue of life.

I know it is beginning to show in my actions and attitude as I could not take it anymore. It exploded when the receptionist called and said “JOANNE TAN!! IS IT URGENT?!” Wassup with the attitude and what did I do for you to blow up like that when I didn’t even come into contact with you? I flared up after she finished talking to my colleague as she realized that I was not the requestor.

I yelled angrily at her ugly attitude to my colleagues. After minutes, I realized my boiling point is up and I’m going to explode anytime. I threw everything down, went to the toilet and wept with frustration.

I felt better after that. Every tear signified a frustration or a disappointment. Every tear that dropped meant each frustration or disappointment was released.

What is my purpose here? What would be my position? I felt like I’m being pushed around and lowly regarded.

Secretly peeking into a beautiful fantasy which makes me happy but only for that spur of a second.

It makes me happy to see those photos uploaded online because it makes me feel that he exists. At the same time, I knew I could only look and not more than that at this moment.

He exists somewhere out there but there is not a chance to know him yet. I can’t rush it and miss the opportunity to the right door. Does he know that I exist? Have he noticed me?

I wish there is more to it. I wish very much. I wish.

Running away again.

Everything is quiet for the moment.

Mouth is sealed, heart is quiet, and neither whispers nor sound of a voice exist for the moment. But the mind is constantly focusing on one question. Should I stay or leave?

Both options lead the heart aching in one way or another, each option has its worries, each path has its own journey and events to walk through, each consequence has a different outcome.

What would He decide?

The heart is not fashioned to share its feelings at the moment as the heart could not contain cares of the world, thoughts and expectations of people anymore.

Until it feels strong enough to handle more again.

Wednesday, October 6

Heck care @ 17:31

I know that people of all sorts are reading my blog and some may not agree with little things that are shared in this place but I am just going to go ahead with it.

Anyway, these are thoughts; although some are negative it will always be balanced up with the positives.

Monday, October 4

Love is a sacrifice @ 13:20

People come and people go.

Different ones got together as the situation brought us together. I thought about my colleagues, my Uni friends, my JC friends, my Secondary school friends, my primary school friends, my cell group members, my church friends, my leadership friends and my present cell group friends.

Some are still closely knitted to my heart as we meet up once in a while to catch up. While others are not longer in touch as we journeyed our own life separately further and further away. Honestly, there are some friendships that I have lost touch with by the time I recalled again about that person but it was too late to catch up again.

Yep, there is a wasted feeling that I felt. So I got to start to sow time and effort into these friendships. There is no way to appreciate a friendship when there is no way to sustain one anymore, it would be useless.

I thought about Mrs LKY and I felt that people often take things for granted until they lost them permanently. She has left a legacy behind but doing something for her and appreciating her would be too late.

Is there any relationship or friendship that I have been taking for granted? I wondered. Never wait till it is too late to appreciate and thank them because it would be useless to talk to the grave.

"Love is a sacrifice."

OOooo.. My friend shared that she is preparing to register her marriage next year and I would be involved as one of her bridesmaid! So excited for her!

Hahahaha!! Well, there are many things to plan, brainstorm and think about for her.

*EXCITED*

Then I wondered, when would it be mine turn? *smile*

I met up with my friends yesterday and we caught up with one another.

I just feel like why do I feel so stressed to keep up with that friendship with another person? Why do I feel that there is a strain between us?

My friend shared what he thought was the issue which caused the change. He said sometimes when I was negative about something like my job, they were nice enough to come to me and give some sound advice yet I refuse to listen. But when the table was turned around, I give the same advice which I refuse to listen to them. Somehow I admit that I can be rather stubborn especially when I don’t see your point or there is another perspective in my mind.

But the next thing I thought to myself is when did I share about negative things especially about my work? My friend stammered as he realized that I actually didn’t really share much but talked about it through my blog.

Burrrrr…

It was quite obvious that what he shared was his issue with me, his impression about me but not what was in between me and her. But if it is really the case, I would wonder how sincere are they to know how I was doing when I kept asking them out yet they kept rejecting it and went to read my blog to know my progress instead.

I wondered. I knew it didn’t used to be like that.

I explained and said that my blog is used to contain my thoughts and there are many negative thoughts there because usually I will not share with anyone else and writing a post about it was my way of releasing the anger or negativity. But I would appreciate that they show concern by talking to me about it like “Hey I saw your blog post about this and that. What is going on?” rather than to trust the posts on the blog only.

As I got home, I wondered why does it feel so important to know what was going on? I guess it is about getting the approval from the people around me but I think it would be difficult to get that from her since she disapproves of my decision. Then I asked myself why it is so stressful and difficult to keep that friendship? Why is it so demanding to get that approval?

Well, I think I had to put down this heavy backpack and move on as I see the different reactions of people that I meet. It is time to let go and look for others who could run along because there will never be a 100% of people who agrees with what you are doing. However, there are many who believes what you are doing, who believes what you have visualized, who believes who you have always believed.

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