Life is like a TV show

I have weak discipline for some retail stuff. Clothings and ringsssss... Not so much of shoes because of my feet size and not so much of bags because I'm quite into leather = $$$.

Now is the GSS period! Thank God for a new job to pay off my hobby needs. Of course, CASH MANAGEMENT is important. There should never be a day where you find me bankrupt because of shopping. =.= Hahaha...

I kept looking at the condition of the cell group during my quiet time and the Holy Spirit reminded me of what Jesus did for His disciples.

John 13 - Jesus washing the feet of His disciples.

Leaders are meant to humble and serve those who are under, not the other way around. Mant times, we have this misconception that when we as leaders humble ourselves to serve the younger ones, we lose respect from them because they will think we do not have a backbone, we are weak and meek.

But mark what Jesus says in verse 16 "Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, neither is he who is sent greater than he who sent him." Jesus addressed the issue of leadership.

When leaders humble themselves all the way down to serve those who are under them, those under will never supercede the leader, because they are never greater. Leadership is not given according to titles or positions, they are appointed by Him to serve the people. Be confident and assured that your identity is not swayed according to what you do but how you see yourself in the kingdom, how God sees you and what God has appointed you.

Leadership is demostrating, influencing and inspiring a way of life, not a title or a name. Leadership is servanthood, not being served. Leadership is humbling yourselves to help those who are younger, bearing a certain substance which those under has yet to obtain, not appear high and mighty but weak in terms of character and attitudes in life.

My heart is burdened for 2 things. One is my new job and the other is a cell group.

Of course, I lifted both into God's hands during my quiet time today. For my job, I knew there should be no problem other than the beginning which is going to be tough. Jeremiah 1 will keep me going. But for the other, it is not so.

I lifted the cell group into God's hands after seeing the condition on Saturday; seeing that there are good people who loves God, potential people who can really salvage the cell group but the leadership is not in unity. No one is leading or feeding the sheep. The so-call shepherds who are suppose to take over are not ready and are in conflict.

So tempted. Even in my vision, I hope to help them. My heart is burdened for the younger ones who is lost. However, there is a resistance. I came out not to go back in again.

I wonder if there is a way around. I will take it this way. If God wants me to help them, He will provide an opportunity to, if not, I should focus on what I need to focus now.

My way of being having a big capacity for various people and having a joyful outlook in life is by forgetting the unpleasant memories. It is really to my horror that people can treat another in such ways.

Ways which we deem to be really low can be worst when we respond in the same way but in a greater measure. We don't want to put ourselves as low as those people who are not gracious and kind. And I always believe that people has EYES TO SEE. People of a third party view will know what is going on.

At the end of the arguement, who win who lose? Is it the person who talks louder, scolds more daringly with beautiful words? Or the person who maintained a certain composure and tolerated the nonsence?

Actions speak louder than words.

My friend often say "拿得起，放的下".

Everyone makes their own choices and decisions in life. And I guess I should let them make theirs since I have decided to move on.

I was tempted to put my hands in again. But I think I should learn to let go instead of looking back and turn back to the past. I should allow different ones to decide on their own lives rather than keep thinking what's best in my opinion. Time to let go and move on.

So I guess they should have grown up to decide for themselves and face the outcomes be it positive or negative.

I always believe that every stage or cycle in life are lessons from God. Don't waste them. =)

I'm so excited. Everything is happening so fast!

If I will to look back, actually God has fulfilled all my 3 focus within 1 month. My prayer for a job was escalated and answered after Dr John Avanzini's word which encouraged me about "NOW!!"

My ministry was subtle and slow until I realise suddenly that I have always been serving in small ways in cell group.

He answered another prayer after my quiet time when I understood what was going on and His plan about my life for this season. It happened in the beginning of this month.

Now that I have laboured hard on the land and saw its fruits, it is easy to say anything is possible. Praise is not a difficult thing to do when things are going well. But I do not want it this way. It is time for consistency; a building up of relationship; a drawing nearer and nearer by each day.

Furthermore, like what I posted earlier. When God answers my prayers I have to be ready because it will be a new challenge, a new beginning, a new day.

Before I start my first day, I already felt the weight. But whatever it is, I'm going to hold onto to Your promise in Jeremiah 1. Let the real journey begin...

Its gonna be a rollar coaster adventure! And God, I'm holding onto Youuuuu..."Wheeeeeeeee"

I know that the path has been laid for me to move to the next stage; options are given to me.

However, this time, I would not want initiate the first step. As much as I hope that the other party would take the first step, I would be patient.

7 years speak of patience to me although I know there are many others who has greater patience than me. There were many times I refused the choices given to me for the fact that I had to initiate the first step, this time would not be different too.

But I would dearly dearly hope that the other party would step out soon enough. And I will keep on praying, holding fast to the promise given to me. Many wondered if I had too high an expectation on this area, it might be true. But I can't help it, I had my reasons.

看了犀利人妻，我觉得真的好多感触哦！

这部戏真的很有意义。希望我也可以跟她一样勇敢，坚强的面对未来！希望我也有一个爱的地方。

Did I ever share how certain guys really scare me as a woman? A sense of insecurity which I feel helpless because of the fact that I'm a woman?

With certain histories in my life, I can't help but to feel really insecured with certain guys; certain guys whom I feel suspicious about.

I felt that on Saturday; so strong that I had to hide behind my friends who knew what was going on. More so after he accidentally or maybe intentionally banged onto me. *UGHH*

All I can utter about that insecurity is "I'm so freaked out!" As strong as I may seem, this is my physically or emotional or mental weakness. I can't handle guys whom I feel is stepping into my personal space or have certain 'special interests' toward me. 'Uncomfortable' is too light a word to describe that strong disgust I have.

I thought about that feeling last night and I fell into insomia.

Can You send someone...? *sigh*

"Expectation precedes manifestation" - Dr John Avanzini

Before hearing his preaching, I wasn't certain as to how much I really wanted the 3 things I have been praying for all these months(years). Impacted and influenced by his faith, I really shouted out loud in my heart that I really want them and I want them NOW!

Can I not wait any further? Have I not waited long enough? When will You open the way(s) for me?

So many signs to assure me that I'm at the right track, to assure me that I'm on the right target, to assure me that I'm more ready today, to assure me that You have never left me...

I never placed such an urgency in my prayers as I believe that God will answer them at due time. But the real reason about not expectating lies on the possibility that I might be disappointed. What if, WHAT IF, these are not meant to be; not in His will to give it to me?

Despite the assurance that comes time and time again, I can't seem to have full confidence that it is exactly what He wills for me.

After hearing the word, I decide to put my confidence in Him and start to be confident on what I'm asking. I decide to stay on the course that I'm taking.

"Lord I believe but help my unbelief!"

Is this what the Holy Spirit is saying about being bold and very courageous? I being bold and courageous to ask specifically for the 3 things in spite of the impossibilities because He is my Miracle Maker.

See? There's never a coincidence. It's always a plan.

Amazing isn't it? CXW shared the same thing I shared during worship. Vessels empty. Holy Spirit. Calling/dreams.

1 more thing she shared during Word which coincides with what God spoke to me before I reach EDB was from Joshua 1. "Only be bold and very courageous.."

God told Joshua to be bold and courageous to take the land He has given to His people. But He did not say 'have no fear'. That is because God knew the struggles we face and as human beings with 'flesh' we will face certain fears.

So inspite of the fear I have, be bold and very courageous!

I'm just like a little girl...

My exact sentiments now. *smile*

Gotta Be Somebody by Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my own breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight, out on the street out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my own breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
Lookin´ for that diamond in the rough
You never know but when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.


Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.

Why is my heart pounding so fast as if I am meeting someone?

This experience I'm having now is like what I experienced before I bring my members into the Spirit realm during worship when E399 still existed. Speak to any of my ex-members, they will know what I mean. I was filled with the power of the Holy Spirit.

It felt like the Holy Spirit is moving and moving fast. His hands are acting quickly as He work skillfully to create that miracle. Somehow, I think miracle is not the right word to use, I prefer breakthrough. The breakthrough is coming...

When that happens, will I see your face?

If I Were A Boy by Beyonce;

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/beyonce-lyrics/if-i-were-a-boy-lyrics.html ]

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

In my previous post, I mentioned that we need to be ready when the opportunity comes and the door is wide open. I wondered what it means to be “ready”.

I was reading the New Testament about the beginning of Jesus’ ministry to see how Jesus began His ministry. There was no mention about the mindset He had, the vision He had or anything else. The bible just mentioned that Jesus was tempted by the devil; He resisted him, was ministered by the angels and returned with the power of the Holy Spirit.

I read Joshua 1 and Jeremiah 1. I saw the similar pattern. God was with them.

Before Pastor Phil started his preaching on Saturday, I was totally amazed when he mentioned about being ready during the opening prayer. “Get ready! I will pour out My Spirit, My anointing on you. I will anoint you and give you, the church, My presence to bring it to the world. Get ready!” said Pastor Phil (I can’t remember the exact line up but these were what I caught when he said.)

I think I understood what He was trying to say. ‘Getting ready’ meant we are to be filled with the anointing, the oil (Holy Spirit) such that we go not alone but with God. ‘Getting ready’ meant walking with the Holy Spirit closely to be sensitive to His flow.

In the beginning of the worship, Poh said “The bible says ‘Let everything that has breathe praise the Lord!’” These were the exact words which I spoke to the pool of members on Thursday during cell group meeting. You can call it coincidence or what, I call it confirmation. A confirmation that I am getting ready because the doors are going to open very soon as I sense myself very close to them happening at this instant.

During worship last Saturday, I sense the breakthrough that I have been praying for so close to coming to past (in the spiritual realm) but on the natural realm I have yet to see it. But God said “Sing O Barren! Sing!” Sing and break the curse of barrenness, break the curse that the devil has set over me!

I drew away from Him, got frustrated with life and even thought of throwing the white towel but God has never left me nor condemned me. Instead, He preserved my calling and vision; and preserved me knowing that I will come back when He turns the table around.

He knew I will not be in the right mind and understanding to make the right decisions, causing me to stray further away hence He shuts all doors until I was ready again. Despite the carnal nature I had, He did not disqualify me in this walk.

Somehow, I felt the favor of God has always been upon me since childhood days. My life has been filled with great favor, mercy and grace and I knew I was made for greater things. How great? I didn’t dare to imagine now because I know it will be so great that I wonder if I could ever make it. Somehow, I felt great favor of God in my life and I knew God cherish me more than I could towards Him.

He preserved and protected me instead of giving me up even though there can be many reasons to. He preserved and protected my calling and vision to give me a future and a hope.

I understood why things seem to stop and there was a break since December last year. He closed all doors until I was ready to ensure my future is not destroyed because of my carnal nature at that time. With His grace and mercy, He preserved me, nothing else not even my value or worth could justify a bit why He did this. It is a great honor and privilege.

The question we might want to ask ourselves is NOT "When is God going provide?" or "Why is God not answering my prayer?"

He will make it happen to fulfil His promise(s) to you according to His timing and way. But what is the crucial question that you might want to ask yourself is "So what's next? What do I do when the breakthrough is here?"

Your decisions determine your future, your consequence & outcome. Your decisions will also illustrate your motive/intentions, priorities, attitudes, character, mindsets and perspectives in life, basically who you are.

It is important for you to be ready and have an idea what to do by the time the breakthrough which you have been praying for a long time happens.

So what breakthrough are you believing for? Are you ready for it to happen?

Let me ask a question:

1. Which is tougher?

Finding a job or finding a man?

2. Which is toughest?

Finding a job, finding a man or walking with God?

Hahahahaha.. To each, his own answer..

It has been exactly 7 years today.

7 years ago, I made a wrong decision and had been reflecting on it all these while. I can't say that it has been a perfect journey neither can I say that I have not made any mistakes but it has been a fruitful journey.

In different areas of life, there were many important lessons which I learnt. But in this area, I have kept a distance from it. Temptations come and go. There was once I almost fell into it again but I pulled out just in time.

This area has been pretty quiet as I focused on other areas which I think are more important at that point of time. Now, I think it's time to focus on this too.

Will You open the right door and fulfil Your promise to me?

Am I ready to face what I am suppose to face? I can only say I have to. I can't run away from it any longer.

Telling myself: "Your grace is sufficient."

Since the time I started serving, my leader at that time has always reminded us.

Assumption is the lowest level og knowledge.

Even till today, the smallest detail can be taken for granted and assumed; leading to a measure of misunderstanding.

What I learn, as I grow up, is the fact that sometimes common sense is not common. It is better to check things out.

Do you believe in miracle? I do. I always do. But this time the Miracle Maker has held back the miracle to show me something even more important than answered prayers.

Yesterday Pastor preached a word in season; a word which has also been dwelling in my heart; a word which I know but has been hiding and running away from it.

Deep in me, I knew I was getting frustrated because nothing seems to be happening (according to my way and my timing). I was starting to get frustrated with God which I knew should not even be that way. Because God is perfect but we are sinners, God has always been faithful but I was unfaithful. I knew the problem was me not Him.

I knew there were plenty of disappointments and discouragements which I had to deal with. Along with that, I needed to forgive and let go of those hurts. I knew a wall has been built to protect myself, to hide my insecurities and weaknesses. I didn't have faith to open up, I didn't have faith that I will not be hurt.

Like what Pastor said, when God judges the righteous, there will always be mercy because He judges to purify, not to condemn.

In my life, I saw many who were once promising disciples of God turn their back against Him and lose the chance, the opportunity for God's blessings. As a result, their hearts were hardened as they became resentful and bitter to those who did not miss that opportunity and receive their blessings. A slim chance of having them like how they used to be. I knew what the hardening of hearts will do, I knew what bitterness, resentment and hatred can do to a person. I knew what negativity can do to the future of someone.

I knew I long for that relationship that I once had. Not only to be called a righteous person but also a partaker of His holiness. Looking at all the life examples around me, I never want to end up to be a person who lose the blessings; the approval of God, or go to a place of no repentance and lose Him as my greatest Friend. At least, that's not the future I was looking for. I knew I had to bounce back quick.

Today, I finally found the strength to do my quiet time again. I picked up my guitar and played the chords for "You are for me" by Kari Jobe. Immediately, the presence of God came. I must say, truly those with a pure heart and a clean hands are able to meet God face to face. I searched for chords of "Running to You" by Hillsongs and did my quiet time.

I knew I struggled to put everything else aside. "My flesh is weak but my Spirit is willing." In my vision, I saw myself wearing various layers of clothing to protect my true self from getting hurt. As I stood in the presence of God, I removed each layer and said "I make a decision to trust in You."

What more can I do except to ask for His grace and mercy to lead, teach and instruct me in the way I should go? What else can I say when He said His mercies are everlasting and His grace is sufficient for me? Why should I doubt when He has always been that faithful One in my life?

There is a need for a change. A re-aligning of my priorities. "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all will be added to you that your joy may be complete."

The moment I ended my quiet time, I saw my miracle happened an hour ago; almost the time when I started my quiet time. What more can I say? He already knew everything in its time.

Bloody ID*..

I spoke to the person-in-charge a couple of weeks ago. He commented that when they launched this scheme, it is to benefit the info-comm industry because they are concerned. Since I benefitted from this industry, I should contribute into this particular industry.

My stand? I replied and said "But in this present, in this entire working industry, there is no longer a specific boundary as to each job and role because we overlap. I never intend to go overseas and so staying here and benefitting Singapore AS A WHOLE."

So what's with the benefitting 'our own' industry about, when 1 main concern is about Singaporeans venturing out and migrate eventually? And bloody employers are using employees to multi-task into so many other industries. All these were thoughts in my heart which I can't bear to voice out because it will turn out to be a bloody arguement. It is all about perspectives. What's with the narrow-mindedness?

MOE encouraged us to be an all-rounder and implemented PEARLS during my JC days which I probably think that it has been taken away. And how many students can actually cope with this 'all-rounder' requirements without compromising results?

*Sigh* Oh well, no point getting frustrated right? At the end of the day, I still have to submit to their requirement because they are the superior party in this situation. But I just needed to vent. I know I can go through this and fulfill the bloody info-comm requirements. FIGHTING.

You knew it would be a tough walk. Before you started the journey, you counted the cost. You weighed the pros and cons for choosing this path. You chose this path knowing the pros outweigh the cons in a long run.

Before embarking on this journey, you equiped yourself with the right tools; having a positive mindset that anything can be done as long as you are not walking alone. You are prepared to make certain sacrifices in order to keep walking in this path. And most importantly, you held the hands of the Potter.

Everything was good when you set out. You had His promises guarded tightly in your heart. You had a strong positive mindset that everything will work out eventually. You had faith even though you are not sure how to go about it. You were close to His very heartbeat, knowing His thoughts.

However, the road is never always smooth and you knew it before making that decision. Meeting certain obstacles causes your faith to leak, your mindset to start changing, your heart to start failing and your hands to start losing the grip.

Time and time again, you are at the crossroads - to give up or keep walking, keep believing? Here comes the killer, the stealer, the destroyer trying to influence you negatively. Negative thoughts will come easily.

Now, it's time for battle. Battle in the mind, in the heart and in the spiritual. Time to use the helmet, the breastplate, the belt, the shoe, the shield and the sword. Keep holding onto whatever you had in the beginning. Hold onto the promises. Hold onto what He has said. Hold onto faith. Hold onto the faith that He is for you, not against you to give you a future and a hope! Hang on and keep walking.

You will get through because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. And you who is walking this path should understand that He will never give you what you cannot bear. Keep walking and believing; do not be unstable in your ways by doubting.

I will keep walking and see the hands of God moving. Anyway, it's too late to regret. I have come too far to give up.