Life is like a TV show

Friday, October 23

Decision to stay @ 23:38

For those of you who are updated with my life, you should know there is/was a struggle whether to press on for my work and wondered if this is the path that I want to take.

Honestly, this struggle is really not easy and coming to either one of the decision is equally difficult. Giving up is probably something that I know was never meant to be because we are to overcome and conquer. But, in order to have the chance to say "I give up", the journey that is set before should be the path that God wants you to take.

I really did not have a clear idea of where I should go or what I should do to get to where I got to go. I do not know if this is meant to be since it is so difficult. Is this a test or a wrong path to take?

After I released my emotions and all the things that really bothered me in this workplace, I asked God to open my spiritual eyes and my ears so that I will not be blinded by the reality or the situation that is before me. In this way, I can look at the bigger picture rather than a narrow minded follower or vessel. As I start to seek and ask God, I came nearer and nearer to which decision I should take.

For the past few services which Pastor Kong and Pastor Tan has been sharing, I knew that these things that I go through has a greater purpose. Somehow I felt that all these that I experience was meant for a reason. Like what Pastor said before, God will never waste anything you went through. And by going through the fire and testings, we will emerge as gold. Not only becoming an asset in the kingdom of God, we become assets that society are looking for.

And this guy from American guy said a few words before the closing of one of the Sat service. He said passion is emotions coupled with intelligence and focus. Success is failing again and again without losing your enthusiasism.

During the Monday ICian overnight prayer meeting on 19 Jan'09, Ian shared a word during the first session about the grace of Jesus. He said "Don't run away from your problems because the battle belongs to the Lord! Go in the name of the Lord.." I knew that this words were speaking to my situation at that time. And from the reminder from the Holy Spirit in my previous entry, it is never about me but it is all about the Lord. It is about glorifying Him and being a great witness for Him.

Nevertheless, I was struggling with the fact that I had to commit 2 years to such working environment in terms of job scope and not the people or culture. And the thought of question whether I can endure and persevere this commitment was really a torment as I was not really confident about it. I was not sure if I can do this.

But today, I'm gonna walk by faith and not by sight.

One morning as I was in the bus to my workplace, as I was thinking about whether to continue in this situation or try to find another job, He reminded me about the time when I was in JC, the decision to stay in JC when I couldn't make it to promote to year 2. It is only 1 thing to repeat that year but it is a whole different thing when you include issues like how will people think of you as a retainee, the shame that you will go through as people might condemn you or put you down etc etc etc.

I reasoned with this experience and said that it is different as that time I was a student there was nothing to lose. But He answered and said "Then what's the difference?" As I thought through it, I had nothing to say as it was really the same thing just that it happened at a different level of faith and maturity. And this test that was given is approved by God. The fact that He will never give you something that you cannot bear means that with this level of faith and maturity you have now, you are able to overcome and breakthrough. I knew that He was challenging my emotional capacity which really needed to grow in order to contain a greater number of people.

That is when I knew that when situations happened, I need to ai zhai because when you have many people under you, you bound to have problems happening all the time and you must have the capacity to handle all of them at a time.

Besides, in my weaknesses, His strength will be made known! I know I can do this and I will take it as a challenge for myself which I know that I will not and cannot walk through it myself. Because He is the vine, I am the branch.

Really had a great time together with my colleagues after work as we organised a gathering for Steve's farewell.

Honestly, before the activity which was held at Labrador Nature Reserve, many problems surfaced up in office. Problems that are caused by a colleague who seemed to MIA and had very little concern for an event next Monday. People panicked as they did not want it to flop due to lack of conscentiousness on little details.

Problems are also caused by me who did not take the extra effort to look into little details. I knew that there will be certain things that I would have overlooked but I did not seek my supervisor's experience by asking her if I have missed out anything. The difference between good and excellent.

Another issue which was raised was also due to my stubborness to accept people's suggestion/advice which was not merely another way of doing things but it was more like an instruction. With this bad attitude, I knew that I pressed in too much or tried too hard to push my point and end up stepping on my supervisor's tail which made her frustrated. The worst thing about this is the fact that it is not the first time I behaved stubbornly. Really got to take note and be very aware of this attitude flaw.

Learning. And learning through making mistake really require someone to be humble and be able to withstand the consequence of his/her mistakes.

Tuesday, October 20

Great Experience. @ 18:30

It really was a great experience yesterday even though it was really tough to contain the people in worship.

When I pen down my name on the white board in one of the room at Riverwalk to say that I will be leading worship for our Zone's overnight prayer meeting, I knew that it is a challenge given to myself to step out of my comfort zone and start to reach another level of understanding.

However, the thought of leading members and leaders of all types just caused me to sink into a mindset of fear. I felt like I was like Joshua who constantly needed the assurance that everything is gonna be alright!

On Thursday, a couple of new members came for cell group meeting. Knowing that they are still picking up the skills to worship and pull down the presence of God, I knew that I needed people who knows how to flow, pray and worship to support the atmosphere. In the evening, Christine told me that she couldn't make due to some personal reasons. The deep thought of only having michael who will be focusing in playing the guitar for me as the older member in the cell group meeting present made me doubt I could bring the people to where I always wanted to bring them to. So I urged Christine to make a sacrifice to come for the meeting even though it was difficult.

The people who were present for the cell group meeting were Christine, Michael, Alyscia, Kitty, Gail, SweeRon and myself.

We had a great time of worship, ministering and prayer. Collected a great offering and shared a super short word at the end of the meeting. Everything was simple. There were no bombustic words, actions or anything over spiritual. It was simply about flowing with the Holy Spirit and seeking His instructions.

Everything happened for a reason.

That Thursday cell group meeting was an example of what He wanted to me to do on Monday for the overnight prayer meeting. Just follow the same thing.

I didnt really think about what I was supposed to do, how it is going to be like or even think what could be the possible outcome on Monday as I was pre-occupied with several commitments during the weekend.

Monday finally came and I didnt feel any anxiety until I knocked off and rushed to the Clinic at my house to see a doc. I reached the Clinic at around 7.10pm and I told myself that I have to leave the place latest by 8pm so that I can reach Riverwalk by 8.15pm to practice the songs with Reeve and get used to the mic since I only had 3 experience of singing with the mic in my life!

Lo and behold! I realise that seeing the doc in that Clinic requires an appointment otherwise it would take very long to be my turn! I waited for an hour and realised that I had fever. By 8.20pm, I rushed out of the Clinic to rushed to Riverwalk.

I was anxious but at the same I wasn't because I knew that everything was delayed for a reason.

"His strength is made known in my weaknesses!"

I reached the room at 8.40pm and Reeve was rehearsing the praise with Grace so I asked Bryan for a guitar and practiced on my own to find out roughly the flow of the whole worship. But I was running out of time. So for the remaining 10minutes, I practiced the 3 songs with Reeve to catch the tune and my way of instructions.

At 9pm, we started promptly.

Grace shared a word and starting praising God the best she knew how. It was really good. Full of energy and strong.

Then it was my turn, I was literally lost as it is not like those fairytale story where I immediately hear a voice telling me what to do or suddenly I feel like I knew everything and led like a worship leader eg. Darlene Zarchesh.

I was lost, anxious and really needed help. I saw Helen singing into another mic to support my voice. Arghh.. Is it really bad? I kept telling myself to let the Holy Spirit take over like what I always do during cell group meeting. But the Holy Spirit never seem to come. I kept telling myself to trust trust TRUST.

After singing the first song, Spirit Fall, I looked at the people who were facing me with lifted hands, I knew that this cannot continue because I can sense that many of them are drifting off to somewhere and there were no encounters from God.

I start to pick myself up and told myself "Ai Zhai! I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me!" And I start to surrender myself before God and told Him that this whole worship is not about me but its about Him! It no longer matter about how I am going to look, what the people will say about me, will I do better than the others or even about my "face" and insecurities. I start to forget about the crowd and worship God like how I normally worship God in cell group, standing on both my feet and come before Him with a true heart. I asked God to forgive me about my pride and insecurities and just simply worshipped Him.

I closed my eyes and sang a song. Start to lift up the name of God and claimed the promises of God all the way until I felt that the Holy Spirit has rested on His people. I continued to press in press in press in because it was not enough for us, we are not satisfied. And I start to open my spiritual senses and felt that there is a burden in the people, a heavy heart and I prayed a prayer to minister to the people.

Their hearts are lifted and the hunger for God to move was rising. And I switched to the third song, Dwelling Place.

People were kneeling down as we were singing this song. I knew that it is not by might nor by my power but it is the Spirit of the living God! And I knew everything is gonna be fine and I have led the people the best that I know and I can, the rest is lifted into His hands.

One lesson that I learnt through this experience is that it is not about our skills and talents but it is about being a vessel which He can use. It is not about how we look when we are serving, how successful it is but it is about how God is glorified and lifted high. Because this life no longer belongs to us but Him.

One thing that Ian said during his sharing at the prayer meeting. If you do everything with your own strength, you are actually persecuting Jesus!

Saturday, October 10

W.O.R.K. @ 14:06

Shall blog another entry before I prepare for service later.

Now that most of the things are more or less settled down, I guess it is time to really think about what I want in life.

Since working in Kuok Singapore, I start to understand how the world works. It was a total different experience when I was a temp in SMRT or even a part-time volunteer in Church. People can be complicated, manipulative and difficult. Many of them put on different caps when they are at work and I came to really experience people getting into affairs at peers level.

When everyone asked me what am I doing in Kuok, I faced a dilemma and confusion as I myself was confused about my role. When I told them that I can be doing anything and everything else except IT, people were shocked and wondered why on Earth a marketing person should be in a IT department. Some joked about my role and said that I am there to do admin or even sai kang. But these are not jokes because they can become a reality to me and I knew that they did not regard me seriuosly but took me like a little girl like any other interns or temp.

Pressure was building when people in the department start to observe me and get frustrated as their workload are piling up. Instead of hiring a person with an IT background, my current CIO hired a marketing person whom they think are of no value to the department. People expected me to perform in IT. But for goodness sake, I'm well versed in marketing, NOT IT.

Pressure builds up as the expectations are rising. But I knew that these expectations can never be met as I have no IT background. Felt like a defeated soldier in the team.

Now, I felt like I am a secretary to the new CIO and definitely I have fears that he would only regard me as his personal secretary and admin in-charge in the department and not like what my current CIO thought me to be.

Honestly, I'm losing faith and my confidence as I felt like I was fighting a losing battle in the marketplace. MAN! I have no idea what should I do or even what I could do. Not when I was not given an alternative, a chance or even a clue.

Help me by showing me the way.

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now I'm found.
Was blind but now I see.

My chains are gone. I've been set free.
My God my Saviour has ransomed me.
And like a flood, His mercies reign.
Unending love, amazing grace."

A few weeks back, I went to watch FAME with Jas.

Initially, I didnt have much expectations on this show as I thought it would be somewhat similar to the rest of the musical shows. But it exceeded my expectations when it really inspired me about their dreams as young people.

Many dreams are pushed away, put aside and forgotten because others who did not believe in it chose not to take our dreams, words and aspirations seriously. Instead of cheering us on and pour the oil to keep our passion going strong, they shot arrows and poured water.

Youth always have the priviledge to try crazy stuff and make our own mistakes yet get away with it through other back up alternatives because of the simple fact that we are YOUNG.

Some lessons that I learnt when I start working. As youth, we often meet with finance difficulties but we have lots of time to spare. But when we start working, we have the money yet we have no time to spend it. Working adults often face the fear to try out new things, fear of change, fear of mistakes, fear of failure because we know that we are no longer young. Society will not give a chance to those who cannot perform and the world works in this way: "Only the fittest survive".

So while we are still young, pursue your dreams even when it seems crazy and not live a life to regret the fact that you did not try when you were younger.

You will realise that as we grow older, the reality of society's expectations, stereotypes and norms seem to knock some sense into you and tell you that those dreams are just going to be fantasies. And it is time to come down to Earth and start to be realistic.

As a little girl, innocence and a childlike faith are the ones that cause us to be daring to think out of the box and be creative. Because anything is possible and we have nothing to lose.

My dreams when I was a young girl really was to be a model. However, the requirements and stereotype of models did not seem to match my physique as the comments made were not complimentary as I was growing up. Actually, dreams are not fantasies when you pursue them and go against all the odds by challenging the stereotypes, perceptions and expectations of the others. However, this would mean a great deal of effort, time, gift and talents because it is being firm about your principles, being excellent in what you are doing and over-performing the rest. It is about changing the belief systems and influence their decision making process of society.

BUT, having said so much, I still do not know what I aspire to be. Many have asked but I still have no answers. Should I pursue all my dreams to be in the high fashion industry or merely become what the society expects me to become to be like any other office staff? Can I dare to be different? Do I have what it takes to be so creative? Will I succeed? Can I really take the pressure and disappointments of the failures that I will make? Can I overcome what others will say of me, and of my dreams? Will I be able to handle different and difficult people? And will I go into this alone?

What do I want? Should I pursue them?

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Life is like a TV show

Friday, October 23

Decision to stay @ 23:38

Tuesday, October 20

Great Experience. @ 18:30

Saturday, October 10

W.O.R.K. @ 14:06

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