Life is like a TV show

Thursday, September 30

Anger management @ 13:02

Alright; within the span of an hour, I managed to cool down completely.

I know myself that at the spur of anger, I would say things that I regret saying, hoping to retract it back. However, words are like that, once said never regret.

Often when I speak at a spur of anger, I will speak like a righteous person without judging rationally. Only to realize I have probably been quite childish or complaining too much at the end of that moment of ‘high-ness’.

Now, I would wait until I’m chilled completely before making any judgments or comments over matters or even consider what to do. I would wait because I do not want to speak and felt stupid for saying those things which I felt there is no need to say.

So anyway, I got to grow up and learn how to be as cunning as a serpent, as gentle as the dove.

Working in this environment where you feel that your interests will not be protected because your boss do not know how to guard his team has made me very sensitive.

Sensitive to what?

I am sensitive to things which threaten my interest, things which falls out of my boundary yet people are trying to push it to me by playing the taichi game, things which risk my position in the team.

In order to fight and win this race, you must first know your position and from that position you fight and reason. Yeah, that’s the basics on how to play politics.

I am getting pretty frustrated over this whole matter about what is my job scope and what is not. With these frustrations, I am totally unwilling to do anything further from what I used to do. I end up being very calculative.

How now? How do we play the taichi game? How do we define the boundary and not allow others to step over us?

I need guidance, protection and wisdom.

Wednesday, September 29

What should I choose to do? @ 10:21

Alright, packed my table and cleaned it with the wet tissue and I am ready to work or I should say continue with what I am doing.

I am a particular person who cannot work with all the clutter on the table needs to clear up some space in a clean environment to think about matters and note them down.

So back to business.

I really need someone to talk some sense into me. With all that is going on, I am going to explode any time due to all the frustrations and negativity from an empty promise.

Should I choose to be practical or passionate?

If I choose to be practical, I would see myself staying in this situation for another 1 year. If I choose to be passionate, I would end this misery within 2 months but would see an uncertain future in my hands with financial difficulties. Should I be brave and crazy to let go of a safe way out or be practical to have financial stability?

Seriously, we all know the reality. Though passion is a powerful element which drives a motivated person to pursue their dreams, passion without financial assistance is almost equivalent to be an empty shell. With little in your hands, don’t expect to make an impact.

But if I would choose to stay, I’ll be surrounded by the clutter of negative thoughts in my mind because I really hate to be a personal assistant or an administrative person in the department doing all sorts of rubbish. Yes, it may not be stated in my job scope, but it has already been taken for granted. And I’m going crazy with all this unwillingness that I face every single day aside from the weekends.

The only reason to stay is not so much about the experience anymore because I knew they can’t promise much, it is only going to be the salary. From what I hear, HR is kind to allow part-time for me as I go for SOT. Hence, expenses for that 5 months would be taken care of.

Arggghhh.. HOW? I can’t really make up my mind. Don't wanna ruin my future. Going crazy soon.

Monday, September 27

Waiting for the right moment @ 10:23

I spoke to a colleague who married around my age about 6-8 years ago and the marriage is still going strong.

I saw the couple’s ups and downs but end up getting back together again at the end of the day. Though there are differences and disagreements with one another, accommodation and forgiveness is a necessity to keep it strong.

I asked her “how do you know that he is the right one?”

She replied me and said “it’s just the right timing.” Everything fell into place at the right time, at the right situation, at the right season, with the right people and the right mindset. Basically, everything fell into place together which made it happen. She met her husband at a period when she needed friends, support and direction and he was willing to give it all, both got attracted to each other and fell in love.

Seriously, if you know the both of them, you wouldn’t really think that they are a couple because they are not really that kind of lovey dovey instead a pair which bickers at and teases one another.

I thought to myself as I hear her reply and story; “maybe he’s not ready”

Everything should fall into place at the right time. If I knew him earlier but he wasn’t ready for a relationship, it wouldn’t work out. If he knew me after the right moment, it wouldn’t work out either, I’ll probably get together with another guy who showed up at the right moment.

Yesterday, a friend reminded me about a simple truth.

“Don’t pray that you get that guy because you will limit God. Instead, pray for the qualities of a man which you need.”

Is it wrong to be specific?

I guess there is no right or wrong but what is wise. One thing to note about wisdom; there is probably a different response to the same question all the time.

Friday, September 24

A matter of perspective @ 12:27

Alright alright alright.... You wondered what changed me within a night time from a cranky person to a person of hope and positivity right?

Basically, I was reminded that I am called to be a influence and not be influenced in this world. I was reminded about the cultural mandate; like what is the main reason why we are sent out as sheep among the wolves. Yep, it was all about the cultural mandate.

I was also reminded about the farmer who sows in the day and reaps after a night. Like what Dr AR Bernard shared with us, the farmer has no concept about growth but he trust the hands of the One who provides. So, the farmer will sow as much as he has in the day so that he could rest when the night comes and he will see his reward when He provides.

I understand that this is not the worst, in fact, this period is my day time. So since it is day time now, it would be ridiculous to sit back, complain all day and be depressed throughout. What profit is there? When the night comes, you will be even more depressed! Instead I think it would be wise, to pick up the plow and sow your seeds in the day so that when the night comes, you can go to the Provider and He will give you rest; trusting that He is working on the seeds that you have sowed during the day.

I know what exactly has to be done. So now, I’m doing it even though it may not be the best scenario but I look and found joy in the little things.

“Do not despise the days of small beginnings.”

Ok! I am pretty determined to learn Photoshop.

I realized that Photoshop is the main BASIC thing to go if I want to survive in what I am going into.

I was talking to a friend yesterday when he reminded me that I don't really know what I am going into. But for one clear thing, Photoshop is seriously the start to things in this particular industry or market.

As I researched about Photoshop, I realize the power that it brings. It not only impacts the photography market but everything got to do with design and creativity. I also found that Photoshop can do scripting? Burrrr.. I am such a frog in a well! While I researched, I also found other alternatives to Photoshop but I think beginning with photoshop will be a good start.

I know I know.. I have been bragging about learning Photoshop since a long time ago but nothing has been done until now because there were no gurus that I could draw skills from or I haven gotten a guide to Photoshop in my hands. BUT this time, I am going to heck care about all the thoughts in my mind to discourage me from learning because I AM DETERMINED to do what I want to and need to do. The spare time which is most of the time in office will be used to learn Photoshop from scatch!

If I can learn HTML programming from scratch, what about Photoshop?!

Nothing is impossible. =D

Good morning people!

I literally almost went crazy and depressed yesterday.

Last night, I told Yongjie I was not really feeling well and rushed home after having a simple dinner with my friend to get some things fixed.

Yes, I was not feeling well; not in terms of physical wellness but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I had this inking that I must get it fixed before dealing with or doing anything else.

I rushed home, picked up my guitar the moment I entered my room and threw my bag aside, pulled out my guitar chords file and started finding some chords to play. I poured out my heart to God and cried like a little kid throwing her tantrum like why things cannot go my way or happen at my timing. I was like Elijah who sat under the tree feeling depressed; complaining and was afraid.

I know it shouldn’t be so, yet He allowed me to pour out everything because He always knows how to deal with me. He knew I just needed to pour it all out, come back to His presence and it would be alright.

After that I was so tired that I went to sleep after finishing a box of mee goreng.

Rise and shine!

I woke up today, took my time to prepare for work and came out of the house and was greeted by 2 good looking guys. 1 was standing beside me, another was standing in front of me. OH YAY!! The day started well, with a little happiness which I knew He planned so that I may cheer up a little.

On the way to work, I just felt that it didn’t matter what events happened yesterday, what matters is we learn something everyday; shaping our character and conviction.

“Today is a new beginning to try again. Yesterday is a already history.”

Thursday, September 23

Cry like a baby @ 12:55

Freaking upset. It is the same old grandma story which is told again and again and again.

Just when I thought everything is turning out better, it happened again and made me feel totally made used of like a Personal Assistant.

His phone rang, he was just outside near the door and it is impossible he didn’t hear his phone ring, knowing I was there and knowing that I would pick it up like his PA, he simply ignored and expected me to pick it up.

FINE! I picked it up and the level 7 receptionist asked me to pick up the mooncake delivery from Starhub like A FREAKING PA.

What the hell…

Simply upset. I have been in office all day since a hell time ago, picking 6 person’s phone call like a freaking call centre. What the hell man. Hired to be a freaking PA or call centre is it!

Aside from being a freaking damn PA, I’m taken for granted to be the birthday coordinator or any outing planner IN THE NAME OF A MARKETER.

Bloody hell… It sucks. This whole initial plan and positioning for me simply is a whole damn bullshit.

Breaking down. Crying like a big baby in my heart, in my soul and felt like crying in office but I’m holding all back with all my strength left.

Feeling a little blue today.

Is it due to the no sense of achievement in office because the team outing has ended and there is nothing else to focus on? Or is it due to the thoughts in my mind that clouded the joy that is set before me? Or is it because I haven't found someone who can occupy my other half of time?

Feeling gloomy.. =(

How I wish there is someone to cheer me up. Someone who need not say anything, whose presence is enough to put a smile on my face.

Yes, I'm still hoping, I'm still dreaming......

Wednesday, September 22

Living a Taiwanese life @ 12:32

There is an urge to live a life like a Taiwanese.

I was in Taipei in August and I was pretty amazed and inspired by the way they live. Life in Taipei is like having a slow pace of lifestyle to appreciate everything every second.

I am someone who cannot wait; someone who rather come of out the house slightly late, rush to the next destination and reach there on time (usually I am late). I am someone who makes decision quickly, knowing what I want vaguely at the back of my mind and cannot tolerate a fickle minded person who changes his mind easily. I am someone who can take simple things for granted and get frustrated easily when things don’t go along to plan.

Being in Taipei caused me to understand the beauty of take a step at a time and appreciating what you see around you with each step taken. People in that country with complicated politics have taught me to stay joyful and happy even with the little blessings in life; take things easily and laugh over frustrating moments.

People in that city have amazed me with their mindset and determination in life. Teenagers we see in Singapore are probably working in fast food restaurants during the holidays to earn some pocket money but teenagers there are seen everywhere and anywhere earning their pocket money even during school days. My only guess for their determination is their conviction to ease the stress on their parents financially and the independent culture and mindset.

Another reason which I guess to be is their determination to chase after their dreams despite looking bad or ugly. I totally applaud their aspirations; and their courage and boldness to chase after them.

I looked at myself and laughed at my own wishful thinking; I felt ashamed of myself when I looked at the diligence and conviction the teenagers there put in to realize their dreams; and when I compared what they are doing now and what I was doing at that time at the same young age. I felt embarrassed when I complained why there was no miracle happening for me when I prayed so hard yet the youth there put on a smile and kept walking and working hard for what they believed in.

Dreams will never be realized unless you sow into it. Results will never drop from Heaven because it is all about your character, not about your comfort. Besides, to accomplish what you have been called to do have already been placed inside and you need to discover them.

Coming back from my Taipei holiday has given me the strength to be a youth who believes that all things are possible once again. That place where I experienced the power of the youth has caused me to once again dream what I dreamt when I was younger and go for it. “Just go for it!”

Taipei has made me realize that life has to past slower because it is short.

Take a break. Order a coffee or a hot chocolate. Sit at a café and take little sips. Pick up a book and just relax. Look around you and smile, there’s always joy and laughter in the environment. Take it easy, breathe and enjoy.

I’m turning into a bookworm again.

After work yesterday, I went to Times bookstore at Plaza Singapura to research on what I needed to see to get some inspirations.

I ended up investing on 2 fashion magazines and a book with many collections of website designs which are unique.

Actually I am not really a person who will buy magazines or books of such kind, I would only buy fictional or non-fictional books. For magazines, I will usually take what is left from my friends who subscribes or friends whose company allow them to take home the fashion magazines.

But I think it is good that we pluck inspiration and creativity from others and this is can be a good once-a-while investment which I don’t mind paying.

After walking a few rounds at Times bookstore, I realize that there are so many inspiring design or creative books which will cause you to ooze out creative brain juice. And there are so many books that I want to get!

Buying such books is like getting furniture for a new house because such books are not cheap! They can easily cost more than 40 bucks and getting a book lesser than that is a lucky bargain. MOM once told me how we got what we have in the house. They would pick up different things at different occasions or shopping trips and slowly design and decorate the interior of the house because we didn’t have much cash to get everything in one trip.

So I would probably set aside 1 time in every month to be a bookworm and scout of books which I would like to collect and draw creativity and inspiration from.

So, see you at Page One, Times bookstore, Borders, Kinokuniya and many other specialty bookstore.

My new hobby: Being a bookworm.

Monday, September 20

BTT booking done. @ 21:37

I wanna have a shout out!

I AM EXTREMELY TOUCHED BY MY FRIEND!

I was calling for help to have someone to walk with me throughout the entire process of getting a car license. I shared that I was rather afraid to do it alone.

Upon reading my request through my blog, my friend MSN me and offered to help throughout the whole process. I was in the middle of leading the Department outing on Saturday when she MSN me hence I was too distracted and tired physically to focus on what she was talking to me. I didn’t manage to talk to her until today.

Without me promising any in return, she said she was willing to help me throughout until I got my license and made sure I understood everything. Without doubting or questioning, she answered every question in my mind so that I could rest assured it would be alright. She offered to make a trip down to the driving centre at Ubi, calculated all the cost that could be incurred and even offered to help me with the private instructor.

Really appreciate her for going an extra mile for me even though there was nothing in return. Seriously, I almost tear with gratefulness in office when she was so willing to do this for me. I almost thought I have lost most of my friends but I was wrong.

There is always a remnant that God would set aside for you.

Thank you so much, appreciate everything. Thanks for assuring me that it would be great! Let’s take our bike license next year as planned; after I got my car license!

Action plan: Book BTT date - DONE. 29 November @ 11.45am.

JOJO, be focused!

Focus on the 3 things to achieve by the end of next year -

1. Set up blogshop / website - starting from handmade cards by December 2010

2. Driving license starting from October, PASS by March 2011

3. Bike license starting from May 2011, PASS by October 2011.

I cannot let this pass by like it is only a thought. Somehow I know I must make it happen this time. I'm not going to spend on other stuff but I am going to focus everything on this 3 things! This meant that I would have to travel lesser except to Thailand or Taiwan but the intention and the focus to go to these places will be different.

So JOJO focus!

One very thing which I thank God for putting me through to be a cell leader is learning about His grace and mercies.

Leaving the environment of leadership where grace and mercies are abundantly shown in the character of most leaders, I was exposed to an environment where I was overwhelmed by people’s mindsets and thoughts which I felt is rather shallow as an overall.

I guess leading youth really caused me to expand my capacity. Looking at all the troubles and background of different teenagers caused me to feel what they felt, hence, the ability and strength to show grace although mistakes are repeatedly made.

Capacity is expanded when I understand the width, the length, the height and the depth of God’s love which caused me to understand what is meant by showing grace. Being the image of God, meant we ought to imitate Him and His character. The maturity of one person can be easily seen by the fruits of the spirit that is present in that person.

I was smacked in the middle of 2 guys whom I felt does not understand what God meant by loving others. I do agree that it is difficult to love those whom we do not favor but when we experience the love of God, we will be able to imitate His character. Love covers a multitude of sins.

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away. "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.” – Matthew 5:38-48

Very often, my colleagues will get upset easily by certain things that others has done to them, things which I thought are small and little and that’s when I taught them to let it go and move on. Even though, I also do get upset, but it should not be for a long time that you harbor bitterness towards the person because of the situation. Don’t take everything so personally.

Very often, my colleagues will also applaud me for the way that I dealt with matters, especially matters which involves people. My mindset, thoughts and behaviors are different from the world and how people would usually react. I guess that is because God has shown His character to me which I would also want to imitate.

So often, many would take things into their hands and fight for their own rights. However, since a young age, I have been taught to let it go and move on instead because they will reap what they sow one day. I also understand that the battle is the Lord’s hence there is no need for me to interfere or judge who is right or wrong. Therefore, I would try to focus on what ought to be learnt or be done.

I remember getting offended easily by what others say or how others behave but I have learnt to take it easy on those and just laugh it away. Although I still get offended on certain matters now, I would not let it bother me for too long. I have learnt the art of restraining and releasing to God who understand everything and is the Witness to all things.

Since the young age when by then we would have learnt what is comparing all about, I would compare various circumstances and wish that I am in a better league. However, I have learnt that the grass is never greener on the other side and we have to learn how to water our grass to get it greener. I learnt that there is no short cut to success. I grew up and learnt about the importance of thanksgiving.

God is fair.

He is sovereign.

At the end of the day, what profit is there when you fight for yourself and got what you want?

Sunday, September 19

Fighting against insecurity @ 12:58

By the way, I went for a movie yesterday to get alive during my weekend.

There was this FAT guy sitting beside me which made me feel really uncomfortable. No idea why. Definitely not because of his size!!

I guess it is because I felt insecured because I kept having this feeling like he was trying to touch me 'accidentally' in the theatre.

He was actively showing public affections to his girlfriend who was sitting at the other side the whole time. Everything was fine, I was feeling alright until at one point of time, he kept pulling his shirt. His elbow was lifted 90 degrees towards my chest as he pulled his shirt. Then he tried to take his drink which was just beside my thigh. He reached for the drink while looking at the direction of his girlfriend and blindly used his hands to feel the way to the drinks, and tried to come over my area. BUT I felt his intentions way beforehand so I literally leaned to other side towards my friend.

Uncomfortable totally TO THE MAX! I felt totally insecured throughout the movie and I was quite traumatized actually. My guy friend was sitting 2 seats away and I felt helpless as I could not avoid the situation and the feeling of insecurity.

So to my friends who were with me yesterday, I kept saying the guy is FAT and everything was because I was trying to get over the trauma by saying it out. But I couldn't bring myself to say why or how I really felt.

Maybe it is time to talk about it.

Seriously, I may look strong on the outside but deep inside, I am afraid of guys coming too close. I am extremely sensitive to guys who tries to or guys whom I felt like they are trying to touch me. Yeah, you may think I am being too sensitive. Maybe, it is true but I can't help it since there were traumatizing histories.

Now I just wish. Now I just hope I can find someone to fight these for me. Because he loves me so he protects. I know that God protects his people however, I needed this security and protection from a physical person against physical actions or intentions.

Please send someone reliable. Thank you Lord.

Tired and CHAO TA TTM!!

If you don't believe that I have turned from beige to brown, meet me face to face and you will know. Buurrrrrr... *I thought the brown days are over!*

Anyway, I will be cutting down on physical activities for 2 main reasons.

First major main one is I realize I am getting a figure like a MAN as I work out more. No surprise about it definitely since I have a bigger body frame compared to normal girls. BUT another fact adds oil to it, my muscles build up very fast! One exercise can firm up my muscles compared to others who has to do routine exercise to get the same effect. So I realize, it is time to take it easy since cycling uses some hand power and loads of back muscles.

Getting back the figure like what I had in JC when I was kayaking and dragonboating was as simple as 1,2,3.

My friend fancies the atheletic genes in my family but I beg to differ! For a female, it is no kidding. Imagine the contradiction of wearing a feminine clothing with a masculine figure? Though it is a fact for most sports woman in the world, but I think I have no need to go to that extend since I am not pursuing a sports career.

Another reason is because I had injured my arm during 1 of the tennis session with my Uni friends. It is an old injury from kayaking making a comeback. So I got to go easy on exercise.

Oooops.. I'm eating as I type this entry and my rubber band just broke. OUCH!

Alright, after lunch, I am going back to rest again = SLEEP. Gaining back my physical strength for the week starting tomorrow in terms of WORK.

Good night!

I didn't managed to get up in time for make-up Service today. I woke up and felt sick too; having soar throat and flu. I felt tired.

The question was, was it all worth it?

Yesterday, the sun was shinning brightly, the weather was hot; the condition was draining to one's stamina and endurance under the heat. I was totally burnt physically and outwardly. Was it all worth it? My conclusion was it definitely is worth it.

Everyone was fearing for the activity yesterday as it poured cats and dogs on the entire Friday. However, I was full of confidence that it will be sunny today. I knew that all things will turn out good for those who love the Lord. I woke up at 7.45am and I started praying and confessing.

"Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication; with thanks giving, let your request be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6

Truly, everything turned out well although there are some hiccups, I had the favor from some people to support the atmosphere constantly the whole time. Thank God for favor. We ended the day much earlier than communicated.

Overall, it was good. Everyone had the same conclusion at the end of the day - TEAM SPIRIT. I was glad, I was glad and I was definitely glad. I knew it was Him who has provided.

"Not by might nor by power but by my Spirit, says the Lord of host" - Zechariah 4:6

What I have been fighting and praying against was realized and hopefully they will take it from here and be better. Positivity, hope and team spirit was communicated through our magic moment led by Herman.

Friday, September 17

Rain now, shine tmr @ 09:51

RAIN RAIN RAIN rain rain rain rain...

Rain heavily today so that tomorrow we can wake up with a "Rise and Shine" mood!

I am really praying hard that tomorrow's weather will be perfect for outdoor activities! BECAUSE we are going to have our Department outing!

I think everyone kind of needed it although it is sacrificing a weekend.

We will have fun. I believe.

Thursday, September 16

Grouchy @ 10:26

I am not in my best mood today; feeling quite grouchy and easily irritated.

A few factors could have triggered it. One factor is called PMS. It is the time of the month.

Another factor might be due to lack of good uninterrupted sleep.

Other reasons might be caused by a friend who is going through some obstacles in life which challenges his perspective on matters and people. To me, these obstacles will by one way or another be tested in various people and he will not be the only one who will go through it. Besides, it is not about passing or failing it, rather, the main thing here is to learn and emerge stronger.

Anyway, it is only the beginning of the day; there are many more opportunities to make me stay positive and strong.

Renew my strength. Renew my mind. Refresh me. Remind me about Your goodness.

Wednesday, September 15

My goals by this year @ 15:30

Ok. I got to list down the things to do list before I realize that the year has ended!

Seriously, as I entered into the last quarter of the year, I start to panic as I reevaluate myself and found that I have not accomplish much this year. Aside from the reality that there were great changes made in my ministry such that my cell group disbanded and I stepped down from the leadership, I felt I have not done much for the year 2010.

I met my expectations by going to Bangkok at the beginning of this year and Taiwan in August. I managed to endure the reality of the world which seems to be uncertain and dangroues and challenged myself to constantly look in the point of view to learn and pick up certain things which we take for granted. I overwhelmed myself this year with various emotional trials and hopefully I have emerged stronger this time.

However so, I am totally reluctant to end the year as it is now.

There are a few things in my mind that I really seriously need to get down to business and diligently pursue.

1. Driving
2. Setting up blog shop

DRIVING!! I really need someone to help me out with this! Not by words or advices but by actions. Arghh.. I need someone to guide me and help me with the procedures and the instructor choosing etc. No idea why but I’m afraid to do it alone.

Action plan:
1. Book BTT
2. Take and PASS BTT
3. Book instructor
4. Lessons
5. PASS FTT
6. PASS TP exam!!
7. Get my precious license

Ideal completion period:
February 2011

Blog shop has already been decided pretty early this year but nothing has been done since the decision has been made till today. The transitioning should have been stabilized and its time for me to focus on what I have set to complete by this year.

Action plan:
1. Visualize concept
2. Design blog shop
3. Program blog
4. Design cards
5. Post photos
6. Market brand
7. Reap the harvest

Ideal completion period:
December 2010

Friday, September 10

It's all about justice & mercy. @ 13:11

Super duper cheesed off by the no. 2 in the house. Burrrr..

The one main reason that I am relunctant to stay at home is because I really don't want to encounter anything with him. Most of the things that he say or do will just cheese me off honestly.

The stupid router is in his room, most of us can't access the stupid Internet.

Nicely requested that he don't scratch the porcelain plate with the utensils because it's really uncomfortable to hear; he said "I'll try."

Honestly, if I do not know God, I'll scream from the bottom my lungs and shoot whatever profanity at his face. I mean why do you have to give such attitude? What have done that you say these? Can't you be a little nicer and stop being a tyrant at home? And when will you grow up although you are 5 years older than me?!

I could have scream at his face but I chose not to, restrained and controlled myself instead. Finish my lunch quickly and went. Back into my room although my face was as black as the kettle and my silence at the table was unusual.

I went back to my room and stared at the floor for a few seconds to cool down; picked up my guitar and started worshipping.

As I sang, I released every frustration and I wept as I felt rather upset with him.

As I sang, I acknowledged the fact that because He loves me, I could have the capacity and strength to love those who are difficult to love and live with this different set of values which would never go wrong.

As I sang, I know that by not shouting or screaming to make a stand in the family or to fight for my rights; I'll stand to lose out. But I also know that the vengeance is His and He is my advocate.

As I sang, I know there are many things that are rather unfair but God will fight a good fight on behalf of me and I'll never be short changed.

As I sang, I know that all that matters actually is all about Him; to sit at His feet and fellowship.

Thursday, September 9

About me. @ 17:50

I have spent almost 2 days settling all the codes for this blog design.

Some might think that the design is not practical as it does not encourage readership. One reason is the colors that are used in this blog. Another reason is the fact that there is some difficulty in reading the blog entries.

However so, I wanted to create a blog which challenges my skills on HTML coding as I picked this skill up from scratch. I know I am not gifted in doing IT matters so I needed more efforts to create this blog. Other than that, I also wanted to create something that represents me.

This whole concept represents the irony of life and preferences of one’s choice.

The colors that are used represent the ability to match them and the reality that I am certified a mild color-blind person for red and green.

At the same time, the colors represent a whole mindset towards life; choosing joy and positivity over sorrow (emo) and negativity.

Colors also represent the different situations and people we would come into contact in life to get to where we are today. Some are positive, joyful and happy; some are sour, bitter and unforgiving; some are discouraging, demeaning and helpless; some are sad, grievous and sorrowful, some of hopeful, full of visions and possibilities and many more.

The opacity of the background displays the transparency that I have towards certain situations and people. To some, I am open and transparent; to others I’m not so.

The opacity describes me as someone who chooses to be different from the rest sometimes. While others would flow in the usual current, I would choose to be different and share about this only to a few.

I know I do have blind spots but I still think that I would very much need encouragements and chastening or what we call wake up call at times too and that’s when I would need to be open to others advises. Open not to all but to those who are reliable and gives sound advices.

Overall, I just felt that this whole thing represents what I know about me and I like the overall feel of it.

It was a rare Tuesday when I hitched a ride from my colleague and went straight home and found most of my family members were at home.

Dad was collecting the list of food that we wanted for dinner and I didn’t really feel like having food from Whampoa so Mom brought me out for dinner at the Yassin’s Prata House.

As we travelled to the place, there were plenty of families who were burning incenses as it was the last day of the Seventh Month according to the Chinese calendar.

The smoke and dust irritated us. We sat down, ordered the usual stuff with the exception of ordering the paper prata, and I thought to myself.

God has set apart His people for Himself such that as He could not tolerate unholiness, He set apart His people who would not touch or be involved in praying to other gods. I started discussing with Mom as I shared with her about my observation that my brothers and I has not worshiped other gods or stepped into their territories like temples.

My friends would often be shock when I shared that I have never been into any temples nor do I know much about the Chinese gods.

Somehow I felt that there is a reason why God wants to set us apart from the other types of environment which most Chinese would be brought up in.

After which, Dad came and joined us and we fellowshipped and exchanged our views about certain convictions.

In a nut shell, we both agree that we had to be humble to see how God works and by doing that, God will definitely provide. Comparing how we were in the past to now, we no longer worry about what tomorrow may bring as we trust in the hands of God.

Dad said one thing which I totally agree. We know God through our hearts not our mind. It is our hearts that sense God moving, knowing God intellectually will only bring us to nowhere as we would never be able to know about everything.

And with this, I shared about a friend who challenges about the knowledge towards God and His Word by questioning the consistency of His Word; ended up lost his salvation and meaning of following Him while looking for the truth.

We got into a discussion whether a person who heart is hardened would ever come back to God in due season as we preach about having the freedom to choose. As much as God honors our choices, He is still sovereign. He would have a way to turn us back to Him as He controls everything. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last is He.

Dad and Mom shared about David, Moses, Jonah, Joseph and a few other committed followers of God. Those who are great has once went through a season of humbling where God would allow them to walk through a wilderness. And when they reach the very bottom, where pride has been lost, God would use them to do His will.

Paul was also another good example as he was killing all the prophets of God just before he was converted. Dad commented that while we see the great works which he has done after Jesus resurrected, he too suffered much because of his ministry for Jesus. And I added that Paul must have really been convicted so deeply that whatever was thrown to him never shakes his faith towards the living God.

Like what Dr AR Bernard said, God never violates your free will, but He sure knows how to make you willing.

Monday, September 6

Don't give up! @ 17:46

I can't help but to say that I feel kind of lost. But again, keep the faith up, keep the hope alive through His word.

Stand strongly and firmly on His promises, it will never return to Him void. JO, have hope!

"Do not be weary in well-doing because in due season, you will reap a harvest."

Don't be weary while waiting, it will definitely come. You are your Master's dog, keep believing!

Friday, September 3

Loving someone is.. @ 15:23

I think loving someone is like cooking their favourite dish.

I saw this quote somewhere a long time ago and I was reminded about it today. It says

"The ingredients of love are
• Understanding 4 cups
• Caring 200 g
• Forgiving 1 packet (frozen)
• Unsalted Romance 375 ml.
• Hugs handful
• Sweet kisses 2 Tsp.
• Love Lots"

Just like eating a MacDonald’s meal, some of us would request for no pickles in our hamburger, while some would request for no salt for their French fries instead while others would request to change the choice of drink. What works for this person to love, be loved or feel loved may not work for another. Just as the saying goes “One man’s food is another man’s poison.” Loving someone is mixing all the right ingredients to make a perfect dish that is called love.

Every ingredient is mixed well to bring forth the delicious dish and when 1 ingredient is used too much, the dish will go bad, no one would like it. Loving someone is having just enough amount of each ingredient mixed together to have the best dish presented on the table.

Each of us have different preference such that some of us prefer dishes to be sweeter, some prefer it to be saltier; others prefer it to be something else which they like. Use the love language that appeals most to the person that you are showing love to rather something that appeals to you because you are not the recipient of the gift. Loving someone is having the right mixture of ingredients to cook a dish according to that person’s preference.

If you don’t know how to cook rice, don’t try to make a plate of fried rice. If you do not know how to fry an egg or hotdog or bacon, don’t try to make a western meal. Basically, find the right person to sow your sacrifices, efforts and love to. Most importantly, in order for you to love someone, you ought to cook the dish that you are best at.

Thursday, September 2

Follow Him, never wrong. @ 12:58

I went for an interview that day and I was totally stunned by the way the boss interviewed me.

My only guess why he appeared to be so cheeky during the interview was because he was trying to test me on my skills to handle such behaviors and topics. Well, there is no doubt that this industry that I might be venturing into is totally bitchy especially when it is dominated by people who seek wealth and fame through popularity and networking. Hence, communication and relationship building is extremely crucial to be successful.

One thing which caused me to really ponder upon is when I commented that I’m single after hearing his remarks that my boyfriend would be worried because of my photogenic looks while viewing my photo on my resume. HA!!

I was taken aback by his very stunned look and response after hearing that I have been single for 6 years and I only had 1 serious relationship which lasted 2-3 weeks in my whole 20+ years on Earth.

I look like a player meh? HAHAHA!!

His response is “HUR?? You so pretty no boyfriend, only 1 serious relationship and got no play play ones. You sure or not? I don’t believe you!”

Seriously, I believe I could have performed better if I was warned beforehand that it would be so. I could have been more bitchy. MUAHAHAHAHA!!

But anyway, I thought about how I have been living my entire life as a youth while others are going about to have fun in changing from 1 boyfriend to another, going out to play, have fun and be wasted. Actually, even without this event, I am very clear as to where I have ‘sown my life as a youth’ to.

Knowing God since the age of 10 has set me apart from the rest. So sometimes you might wonder why do I have such a different principle or response towards various matter, or why would I have such a great capacity to show grace and mercy to various people who does not deserve it. It voice down to a different up-bringing and environment. I was taught a different set of guidelines, principles and mindset since the young age of 10 by my parents and the One who knows me and my future better than myself. Never regret it even though others might have an impression that I am a mummy’s girl or some innocent and naïve nerd during my days as a youth or have an impression that I might stand to lose out from the rest.

Same church, same direction but a total different mindset and principle. I met some other friends in church who also has a bigger picture in mind yet does not understand how to show grace or be an encourager to another's vision. To me, it was as simple as having that understanding that everyone is wired up to be different and God deals differently with everyone yet another just seem to be blinded and cannot see this fact. To me, when I sow into your dream, another would sow into mine, yet another does not understand the meaning of sowing into others. To me, I learnt that I should never be too quick to judge because we serve the same God who does miracles yet another does not understand that. To me, having hope and joy towards something that is not seen but a promise or a word has been given is the key to breakthrough yet to another it means that you have a weak foundation and you do not know your vision. While I am here typing, it might seem like I'm judging another but I have no interest in that except to state the fact which happened to me personally.

Sometimes I wonder where does people get their doctrine and convictions from. We are made in the image of God however for some, I am really not convinced that God is like that.

I guess this is the difference. I learnt to show grace because of the grace that has been shown to me and I appreciate it. However so, I'm not perfect, there are times when my capacity is also challenged.

But what I understand is that the world is seeking love, acceptance and security, and this is why they came here. They don't need another person to judge them or pour water onto their passion because they can easily find one out there.

I will keep on following Jesus though it can be tough at times but following Him will never get you to the wrong place with the wrong people in the wrong environment doing the wrong things with no bright and successful future.

So so so so close for me to believe that it might be.

So close yet within a spur of seconds it proved me wrong.

I really hope it's not, God have mercy on me! Show me a better option. Let's be wise to be patient and look out for other options.

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