Tears came running down my face.
I couldn't hold it as I felt the love of God. This Love that covers a multiple of sins left me surrendering everything to allow Him to have His way. All my tears on Saturday were equivalent to the multiple times of impact I experienced during that short worship/ministry. I couldn't help but to cry out my heart. I just want to scream out my desperation to God.
The disappointments. The moments when I felt like giving up hope and leave. The times when I felt all alone on this journey. The pain of waiting yet hoping for the prayer to come to past. The stubbornness in me to keep holding onto the hope that it will be good, it will come to past. The sacrifices I have to make in order to be where I am. Everything came together as I flashed back the past few months. I just wept.
I missed church. I missed the presence of God. I missed the free worship. I missed the support from people I used to have. I would find whatever ways and means to attend church and appreciate it very very much whenever I can attend. I'm desperate. I want it badly. However, not everyone was on the same page.
There were more to it which I do not know how to describe/express. Much much more to it. I just broke down and wept; feeling all the emotions.
In a summary, Pastor preached about 3 things -
1. Our God is able
2. But if not (He may not answer that prayer)
3. Jesus is enough for me - Your presence is Heaven to me
As pastor shared about his experience during the interrogation, I felt a lot for him. He has suffered much yet still chose to love and trust God. My tears were tears of admiration and I was deeply moved. His love for God precedes the sacrifices he has to make.
In my life, I have never doubted that God is really important to me. It was Him who took me out of certain situation and the only one who carried out His promise of never leaving me or forsaking me. He has never failed me. He was constantly on my mind and in my heart no matter what happened. It didn't really mattered to me too much as to what I could have in life. When He said to continue in college after failing badly, I continued. When He said to step down from the leadership, I stepped down even though it was pretty difficult for me emotionally. When He said to change the industry and make certain sacrifices; I did. Of course, I do have my struggles. No one is perfect right? I would pray that His grace is sufficient.
However, when I looked at Pastor, I could only wished I am at that level. I know I wasn't at the level where I am totally surrendered to His lordship. The self-centered side of me still hopes to have certain prayers answered. The stubbornness in me still hold onto the desires I hope to have. During the end of the service, I could only pray that God will change my heart because Jesus isn't 100% or even 200% enough for me. As weak as I am, I could only lift my hands toward Heaven and say "Help me".
Tears came running down my cheeks. Tears of surrender.
"For many are called, but few chosen"
